AIBU to want to meet his kids, but not let him meet mine yet?

[Honeybadger83]

I'm a single mum in a long distance relationship. We've been together for five months, but the distance means we don't see each other very frequently, mostly due him being a very involved father (which I love about him) and he and his ex not having much of a schedule.
I think the world of him, and he has suggested it might be time for us to meet our respective children. I am a little nervous about meeting his boys, obviously I want them to like me, but I'm looking forward to seeing him as a father, getting to know his kids etc. Also (on a slightly selfish note) it would make it possible to see each other more frequently.
The thing is, I'm not ready to introduce my son (4) to him yet. We have both talked about this being a long-term thing, we are both very hopeful for the future, but I just don't want to introduce somebody to my son unless I'm pretty darn sure they are going to stay in his life.

Is it unreasonable to ask for one without being prepared to do the other yet?

People who say that it's ok if the kids are older eg 10 and above are beyond incorrect with their opinion. Children that age and above are much more aware of what's happening and get equally effected by a parents new relationship. It's only the right thing to do when you know it's serious regardless of their age !

Yabu

People who say that it's ok if the kids are older eg 10 and above are beyond incorrect with their opinion. Children that age and above are much more aware of what's happening and get equally effected by a parents new relationship. It's only the right thing to do when you know it's serious regardless of their age

I was talking about children being substantially older. In a situation where one partner had adult children, SURELY you can see how that is a different situation?

It's not about my son being more 'precious' or more important than his, or me not thinking he's good enough (and by the way, it's not being nosy to want to know what a new partner is like as a father, it's an important part of getting to know them). It's about the fact they are different children with different experiences, who, it must be acknowledged, will respond differently to a situation.
He, who obviously knows his kids way better than I do, thinks they'll take it all in their stride. They have met their mum's new partner, and are generally busy boys with busy lives, used to meeting new people. He's pretty relaxed about the whole thing.

I, on the other hand, have an only child who is much less outgoing with new people, and is used to our time being just the two of us for as long as he can remember.

I suppose this is just my insecurities surfacing, and we should probably wait until I'm more comfortable in the relationship.

Thank you for your thoughts, I hope those of you who were thinking the worst of me understand why I'm a little more hesitant than he is.

Heyho - I meant older as in adults and not dependent on the OP's DP - so she wouldn't be taken a 'step mum' role in their life, but as he's 'an involved father' that suggests they are still children so she would be saying she was prepared to step into the step parent role, but doesn't want him to do that with hers. Not acceptable.

OP, just because they are better at meeting new people, doesn't mean they wouldn't bond with you as a step mum and be upset if you then stopped being part of their lives if you and your DP broke up. It's always sad when children have multiple step-parents coming in and out of their lives, so only become part of their lives when you are certain it's definately longterm - and you'll know because you'll feel ready to introduce your DS to your DP.

Will you move to him or expect him to move to you if you want to take this relationship forward? Because if he is an involved dad, moving away from his boys might not be an option for him. Will you be prepared to uproot your DS? If not, it's not really going to work out...

I think you should make sure he knows you don't want him to meet your son before you agree to meet his. But if you know you are not sure enough about your relationship yet for him to meet your son you should decline meeting his children yet.

Maybe he is more sure at this point about your relationship, he needs to know you are not in the same place yet.

I was going to say you were BU but reading your last post I actually find my self agreeing with you. Only the children's parent can decide whether the time is right, it's not like you have asked to meet his children you are simply agreeing to do so at his suggestion and he feels the time is right for his children. I don't necessarily think this means he should then expect to meet your child in a sort of tit for tat arrangement, you are reasonable to expect that he waits until you feel the time is right for your child, just as he has done

I agree with lunar though, he needs to aware of this before you meet his kids. It would be very unfair to meet his and then afterwards tell him he can't do the same!

MadameJosephine and Lunar1; thank you for that. We are in the process of discussing it, and don't worry, I will be sure to make sure we're both clear before anything happens.

Mary; there's an awful lot to consider before either one of us moves, and we're not at that stage yet. Until then, we're prepared to spend some time on the motorway for a while.

Crazylady12; Ds has a good relationship with his dad, and the break-up was pretty amicable. He doesn't remember it, as he was not even two when we split.
In my time I've have had a few guys make me believe they were more serious about a relationship than they really were (I know; who hasn't?) and I suppose it's made me a little wary of us being let down again.