to consider NOT sending my son on a school trip?

[magreen]

My son doesn't want to go on a residential trip that the whole school year are attending. He is adamant (he's a real home body) and even though his twin brother is going he doesn't want to. He doesn't like adrenaline type activities and hates heights. Generally I try to override his negative approach to anything new but this can backfire as he feels he has no control. Part of me thinks that he's 9 and he is able to make this decision for himself. On the other hand I don't want him to be deprived of the opportunity to overcome his potential homesickness/fear of being away from home. He doesn't care that he will be left out so peer pressure has no affect. Help!

Really grateful for all the comments and suggestions. It helps a lot. Ta x

I think there are a couple of separate things here.

1. that he doesn’t like adrenaline type activities. I’m biased because I don’t either and absolutely hated the team-building outdoorsy thing I was once sent on for work but, really, I think this is personal preference. Lots of adults don’t enjoy that kind of thing either. Of course, he should be encouraged to keep active but I don’t see any point in forcing him into things like climbing if he hates them.

2. the fear of being alone, unwillingness to go anywhere without you, even the toilet. This I think is more of an issue. Clearly, given that he is scared to go to the toilet by himself, he is not ready to go away on a residential trip. But, as I’m sure you realise, you do need to work with him on this as it will create a lot of difficulties for him if you don’t.

I don't understand why anyone would make their DC go on an optional school trip?

For some kids the organised 'fun' combined with being away from home is simply too much and not enjoyable or 'character building' at all.

I have never forgotten the utter joy I felt age 14 when I realised the Geography GCSE trip wasn't compulsory. My heart goes out to your son. At 9 he maybe just has to suck it up and go. He probably won't enjoy it but it won't kill him. Promise him that once he's tried it or "experienced" it he can make an informed decision next time. And then keep to your word. (I got sent on the day trip to Stratford instead with all the kids who'd been naughty and weren't allowed on the residential - still did well in the GCSE!)

I'm of an age that we didn't do residential school trips - even at senior school. There were just ski-ing trips which relatively few pupils went on - trips out were always just day trips.

DS1 is at a junior school where they do a school trip each year - building up from 1 night to 4 nights as they get older. DS would quite like to go - but both dh and I don't agree with school trips before secondary school so he hasn't been. DS has resigned himself to the fact.

What really annoys me though is the way the school treats those that get left behind. On the one hand they are saying that they are learning vital skills and doing amazing activities that they need to do to enhance their lives and be better people - but they don't give those staying behind the chance to do any of them. They do run a different curriculum and have a topic to work to but quite frankly it's pants in comparison to the things that the kids are doing on the trip.

The thing is - it's a big school with lots of kids. Even if they wanted to, there aren't enough spaces for everyone to go - there's always a rider on the bottom of the application form along the lines of 'there will be a ballot for places for those that get their application in'. This means that there's a small but significant number that don't get to go on the residential (between 1/3 and 2/5 I reckon) - enough for one to two classes.

This means they know they are depriving the ones that get left behind. There are lots of great centres around locally where they could do all the activities and more that the residential course offers. Even if we had to pay (that's not the reason I object to the residentials) I'd be happy to pay towards covering the cost of it. But they don't bother too. It would be a bit different if it was a whole of year trip and there were only a couple of them that didn't go - I can see it wouldn't be practical. But when so many of them don't get to go - I just think it's bad.

Those that get left behind do suffer when the others come back too - they are definitely made to feel they missed out, the friendship groups evolve a bit and so on.

Which is all a very long way round (sorry!) of saying - I wouldn't force ds to go if he didn't want to - but at the same time, I'd want to make sure that he got something positive out of being left behind and that the school provided him with opportunities that he would have otherwise missed out on.

Let him stay home. I was a homebody. I went on two residentials in primary school before I realised they were optional. No amount of campfire singing and marshmallows tempted me to that hell again. I'm saying that as a child that loved adrenalin activities, just not the forced teamwork and 'roughing it' part of residentials. Look into building confidence other ways at home, then build him up to doing a DofE Award in a few years once he is at secondary.

Zip zap is right. Schools do need to run a similar opportunity curriculum for students that stay behind. I had opportunities from elsewhere, rock climbing being one, but not many do.

I think it depends on the personality of your child.
Stories above split are into two camps

1. Those that were reluctant, were made to go, and loved it.
2. Those that were reluctant, were made to go and hated it.

Which category your child fits into will depend on previous experiences. You say he's always been reluctant. But when he's actually done things in the past has he enjoyed it. Has he verbalised that you were right and he's glad you made him?

I think if he's adamant that he doesn't want to go you shouldn't force him but remind him of other times that he's succeeded despite his misgivings. Perhaps promise to pick him up if he wants as long as you are confident that school will contact you.

Ds went on a trip in year 3. He loved the first night but it all became too much on the second night when he was tired and he injured himself. We had to pick him up.
A couple of years later I thought it was 50/50 whether he would enjoy it or be scared as he, like your son, didn't like even being upstairs on his own. Peer pressure is great in making them do things though. He loved it at at year 5 and had a wonderful time.

I'm normally in the camp of tough love but tbh it doesn't sound like a good idea to make him go because it sounds like he just won't enjoy it. If you think he will, and it's just nerves, then make him go but if you think he'll hate it then don't.

It's not going to get him to overcome homesickness by forcing him in a strange place that he hates - hell be even more determined to avoid such things

I agree with notinagreatplace - there are two separate issues here, and the unwillingness to go anywhere without you has to be dealt with - firmly, but kindly and patiently, not by sending him on a residential and freaking him out.

I'm usually a "suck it up" type, but not here. He's still little, this won't be the last residential opportunity he'll have. I think, from what you've explained, that now is not the time.

No way. He's old enough to make the call on this one.

I was made to go to PGL at age 13 for all the same reasons- everyone else was going, you'll love it when you get there, etc, etc. It was bloody awful and I loathed it, counting the hours until we got on the coach to go home. I point blank refused to go on residential trips after that, although sleepovers were fun as I got into my late teens. I am still a real home body and really do not enjoy holidays or being away from home. If either of my DCs ever tell me they do not want to go on a trip, I would not force the issue. Fortunately, they have both been on outward bound residentials and Beaver/Brownie weekends and had a whale of a time. DD age 9 is begging us to send her to boarding school but am hoping this is just the Enid Blyton phase!

DS2 did this at the beginning of yr 6. He is not sporty at all and wasn't all that keen. He went along with it because everyone else seemed so excited. On the day they left he was petrified and I was worried for him. In the end he found out that one of his friends was sharing a room with him and he perked up a bit. But the only photo I have of him is one sitting at the top of the huge zip wire with a tear-stained face. It was just not his thing at all. His older siblings had loved it inspite of some nervousness, but he didn't.

Don't force him to go. It won't teach him anything apart from what he wants doesn;t matter and that he has to go with flow no matter how he feels about it. Character-building it might be if you are the kind of character that benefits from this sort of activity.

I didn't go on a similar trip when I was 11. I'm fine, completely normal, socially active, I have friend, im well adjusted! Of he really really doesn't want to go I wouldn't force him.

It does not sound to me like he is able to cope with such a trip.

The school might try and persuade you both and assure you they will look after him/he can come home if it is that bad. My advice is do not trust them - the school did not look after my DD on a trip she hated and they did not let her contact me to collect her. It was indescribably awful for her with bullying being added to the mix. The teachers have a lot of children to look after and will not want to admit defeat so will not call you unless the most extreme situation arises. Would the school let you speak to him while he is away?? If the school refused to allow that ("because the trip is to encourage independence bla bla bla") then that tells you your answer.

He is only 9 years old - I would either not send him at all or at the most try and agree with school that he would go for one night and you would come the next day to see him to see if he wanted to stay or come home. He must have a safety net in place that you will see him regardless and will allow him to come home or else he will be even more anxious and distressed. You would have to be prepared to pay for the full trip though, even if he did come home early.

Dd had a wobble about going on a residential this coming summer, she isn't sporty, hates water ( can't swim ) and has some mobility issues, she's also rarely been away from home. After a few months of talking about the trip as a class and with me she has decided she would like to go, she doesn't have to take part in all the activities, no one will force her to do anything she doesn't want too and she's not too far away so if she gets really home sick I could collect her ( hopefully this won't happen ). I'm pleased she is going, I will be worried sick but I think it will be so good for her and will hopefully prepare her for possible trips away when she goes to high school.

Quite a few don't go on the one at our school. I'd just presumed it was for financial reasons but thinking about it, it might well be because they just don't fancy it.

There are plenty of opportunities in life to practise your abseiling and team building I'm sure.

If he doesn't want to go I wouldn't force him to myself.

I really wouldn't force a child of his age to go on a trip like this. As you've said, he's very good at articulating his needs and he has made it very clear that he doesn't want to go. I think if you want to start "pushing" him a bit it would be better to start small, things like after school clubs, sleepovers with friends etc. At 9 years old you've got plenty of time to help him become more independent. Pushing him too hard and forcing him to do something he really doesn't want to do is likely to create more anxiety.

Trips like this aren't essential to a child's education, they are supposed to be fun. Different kids have very different ideas of what constitutes fun though, same as adults. Lots of women my age would love a crazy week somewhere like Ibiza, hitting the clubs and doing shots whereas that would be my idea of a living hell. If the activities on the trip don't appeal to him then I'm sure there will be other trips down the line that are more suitable.

I was your son. I would rather have stuck pins in my eyes than go on a residential trip at 9, especially one that also included dicing with death in the name of building character. Thankfully my parents listened to me and I didn't have to go. The next opportunity I had was at 13 and I was perfectly ready to stay away from home for two weeks. No dicing with death involved, though -- unless you count speaking French!
I think you should listen to your son. This isn't the only opportunity he'll have to get used to staying away from home for a bit. It's going to be easier for him to develop that confidence if he knows that you respect his feelings and support him.

I wouldn't send him.I think it will only reinforce his fears!

I also have twin boys, 9, who are due to go on a residential trip this year.
Both want to go, which I am happy about if I'm honest.

I think even if one of mine didn't want to go he would go just to be with his twin, they are very close.

However if one didn't want to go, then I wouldn't try and force the issue.

Is it because he is a twin that you want him to go with his brother, you don't feel right separating them? I'd hate it if mine were separated for a week if I'm totally honest.
Looking at it objectively though, if they were two years apart, older brother went on the trip, but younger brother doesn't want to go would you make younger brother just because older brother did IYSWIM?

It's a tough one I think, but ultimately, how would you feel if he went on the trip and was utterly miserable?
As long as both boys are happy, surely that's all that matters. Good luck with it all.

My DD didn't want to go on the Year 6 residential trip but the teacher kept insisting she went or she's miss out on so much that would be relevant to the work they would be doing for the rest of the year, she would regret not going and she will be fine once she gets there. So against her and our better judgement DD went on the trip and no it wasn't all right, she hated every minute of it the trip and the class didn't do any work relevant to the trip once they got back to school. If it isn't for your son then so be it.

I've always let DS decide if he does the residentialls of not. Mostly he has gone but there are a few he hasn't and forcing him never entered my head and never would.

The school offer just the day part if parents will drop off and collect so that's an option we have also done.

I went through this when DS was Year 6 and we decided not to send him on the school residential trip. The school will try their hardest to persuade you to let your child go, as then they don't have to provide for them at school whilst their classmates are away. DS's school even offered to pay for him! He still didn't go, the activities on offer were not his sort of thing at all.

I would tell school, let them try and convince him, but if they fail then I would let him decide.

My DS hates being away from home. He took a fair amount of convincing to go on his first school trip, but was even then less opposed than your DS - he didn't want to be away, but did care about being left out, and did like the sound of most if not all of what they were going to do. He was horribly, horribly homesick for about 20 minutes every evening, and otherwise fine. From the moment he came home he said that it was worth going inspite of the homesickness and he had no hesitation about going the next time (still homesick, but we were able to have more rational conversations about tactics to manage it).

It seems like there is no upside for your DS, so unless someone can find one that he buys into I think it would be counterproductive to force him to go - his "I don't like trips" stance would just be reinforced.