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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to consider NOT sending my son on a school trip?

77 replies

magreen · 16/01/2015 09:25

My son doesn't want to go on a residential trip that the whole school year are attending. He is adamant (he's a real home body) and even though his twin brother is going he doesn't want to. He doesn't like adrenaline type activities and hates heights. Generally I try to override his negative approach to anything new but this can backfire as he feels he has no control. Part of me thinks that he's 9 and he is able to make this decision for himself. On the other hand I don't want him to be deprived of the opportunity to overcome his potential homesickness/fear of being away from home. He doesn't care that he will be left out so peer pressure has no affect. Help!

OP posts:

Lonecatwithkitten · 16/01/2015 11:17

I had a similar dilemma for a residential in May this year. DD has now chosen to go, but only on the understanding that if she hates it I will go and get her. School have been told in no uncertain terms that if she hates it they are not to 'jolly' her along in any shape or form.
I suffered on school trips I didn't enjoy, I only went on two before I was 16. I still went off to uni and travelled the world alone happily. I still don't enjoy anything that involves wet, cold or camping in an ordinary tent ( I glamp at festivals).

Stinkle · 16/01/2015 11:32

No, I don't believe in 'sucking it up' either. It's only a school trip, not a life or death situation.

I made the mistake of 'jollying along' last year. We bought One Direction tickets for DD for Christmas. She said a few times in the run up that she wasn't sure she wanted to go, but I thought oh, it'll be fine when she gets there, she loves One Direction and she'll be with us at all times. She wasn't fine. It was loud and crowded and she had a panic attack. I wish I'd listened to her, stuck the tickets on eBay and taken her for a nice day out somewhere. I could kick myself, it had a massive affect on her confidence and her trust in me

PumpkinsMummy · 16/01/2015 11:34

I think you should respect his wishes. At 9 he is old enough to understand that the others in his year will all be talking about it etc. and he will be left out to a certain extent. Some people are just not into extreme sports. For example one year in my primary school the children went pot holing (luckily not my year). I was perfectly happy to take part in the activities we did in my year such as hill walking, horse riding, beach combing etc, I even did rock climbing and a small abseil, but I would have been sick with fear for MONTHS at the thought of being in a water logged cave underground. Save yourself the money and let him go on the next one, he knows his own limits.

muminhants · 16/01/2015 11:46

Trips are always optional. At ds's primary school about 10% didn't go. Some can't go because of cost etc others won't want to go.

I'm amazed at 50shadesonsteroids who says all kids had always gone - did the school pay for the trip?

My son didn't want to go on his Y6 trip. But once most of his friends were going, he said he did. He had a lovely time. But I left it up to him to decide.

DarkHeart · 16/01/2015 11:49

I wouldn't make him go, he still young and will have plenty if other opportunities to do such trips.

SquinkiesRule · 16/01/2015 11:51

I wouldn't make him go, that awful.
My oldest never went on his residential trip from school and turned out just fine and well balanced. Ds 2 went and had a wonderful time on the sale trip a few years later.
I knew my kids I knew what they could handle, even so it was his choice to not go. I gave both boys the choice to make for themselves. Ds 1 would have had us driving 4 hour to pick him up.That happened to my friends Ds who was talked into it by his Dad.

Johnogroats · 16/01/2015 11:51

All the year 5 kids in my sons class went on the 5 day trip (London school to Isle of Wight) except for one boy who was seriously ill.

They all loved it, especially the boys. Consistently it s the highlight of their primary school lives, with the year 6s speaking positively about it when they leave school some 18 months later. One boy with ASD went and ad a fab time. He had sleepovers with friends before AND his dad went as an additional adult.

I would strongly encourage him to go, and involve the school in that discussion.

waithorse · 16/01/2015 11:56

Please don't force him to go if he doesn't want to. Not everybody enjoys this sort of thing, and that's totally fine. He might feel more like going in a year or two, or he might not.

Hobsandpeanuts · 16/01/2015 12:01

I missed a school trip like this one for similar reasons to your son.

I never regretted not going and I would have hated it. I knew myself well enough to know that it wasn't my cup of tea.

I'm a person who needs their own quiet time and space every day. The thought of being forced to be with my school friends 24 hours a day and even sleep in the same room was awful.

ClockwiseCat · 16/01/2015 12:04

He does sound young for his age and because of that I think it would be cruel to force him. If there was any way of him going for the day that would be an ideal halfway solution.

Idontseeanysontarans · 16/01/2015 12:05

DS has never been on a school residential trip and DD1 isn't keen either. They're both independent sorts who will happily stay over with family or friends but have no intention of participating in enforced fun and bonding or spending anymore time with teachers than they have to
Listen to him but make it clear that the decision is absolutely final by a certain date. It won't negatively affect him if he doesn't go.

ChippingInLatteLover · 16/01/2015 12:08

I think if he hates going to the toilet on his own, in your own house, this would be Miles too big a step for him.

I have no idea how you are so patient though, it would do my head in.

Does be 'do' stuff like scouts, football etc? If not, if he was mine he would be.

RandomFriend · 16/01/2015 12:10

As many of the posters above say, these sort of trips can be great. But they are not great for everyone. 9 is very young, I wouldn't force him to go on this sort of trip if he really didn't want to go.

sydlexic · 16/01/2015 12:11

He's very young, no need to

Lovewhereilive · 16/01/2015 12:11

I didn't go on my primary trip because I was worried I would be homesick and I wish I had been told I was going. Feel like I missed out and wondered what they were all up to every day.

SuchSweetSorrow · 16/01/2015 12:11

I really disagree with the 'suck it up' comments- he sounds sure he doesn't want to go and you know your child. I can't see any good in forcing him to go

SuchSweetSorrow · 16/01/2015 12:15

Although I must say if my twins were separated for that amount of time whichever one was at home would drive me mad asking for their twin- or does that ease off as they get older (they're nearly 4)

Flomple · 16/01/2015 12:17

There might be ones he has to go on when he's older, if eg. they are essential for GCSEs. However that's no reason to force him now. I think I'd let him choose but let him know that next time he might not get that luxury. If he could give it a go now, he'd be with his friends and twin, and that might not be the case next time.

If he doesn't go, would you consider sending him to some sort of day camp in the half term/hols so he still gets to experience something similar as a day boy? It doesn't have to be all canoeing and abseiling, he could do go karting, football, craft, science, whatever.

19lottie82 · 16/01/2015 12:18

if he doesn't want to go, don't make him.

when i was about 12 I didn't want to go on a residential school trip and my mum didn't make me, im still glad of that.

if he goes and comes home in the middle of it, this may make him a target for teasing im afraid.

are you sure he's not being bullied? that seems more of a likely explanation as to why he might not want to go.

Vvvoom · 16/01/2015 12:18

I think I would listen to my child at this age if he was as clear as yours.

Nanny0gg · 16/01/2015 12:29

I used to go on the school residentials with Year 6. I don't think I'd want children to go any younger.

But that was in the days when we went to a city (Cardiff, London) or coast (Northumberland, Isle of Wight) and there was lots to organise and do. I think these activity ones are very good, but it's a shame so many are on the doorstep and the children don't see another part of the country and visit so many interesting places)

I would never make a child go if they really didn't want to - they are supposed to be fun, not torture!

Summerisle1 · 16/01/2015 12:33

I was lucky, my dcs were up for every residential trip but then the school didn't take them on overnight aways until Year 6 and by then, they were already used to Cub Camps and the like.

In your case, OP, I really can't see any great benefit in making your ds go on this trip. If he is unable to use the loo on his own in his own house then he's certainly not going to cope with being away from home and the likelihood is that you'd just end up going to collect him anyway.

I had two friends with equally reluctant dcs and both attempted the "suck it up" approach despite their dcs determinedly expressed reluctance. In one case, the child so detested the residential trip that he refused, point blank to go on another one. Even in secondary school and even if it was then part of his GCSE course.

In the other case, my friend ended up driving hundreds of miles to collect her dc. Who had been so homesick that he'd needed a member of staff to look after him pretty much 100% constantly. Which didn't make for a great trip for everyone else either. Both now wish they'd not pushed their dcs but been lead by their very real wish not to go on this trips.

What I would do, is attempt to build up your dcs confidence a bit though. But gently and without the need to be away from home just yet.

Clobbered · 16/01/2015 12:40

He's very young, and your point about loss of control is a very valid one. My parents never ever listened or allowed me to have an opinion as a child, and it was deeply upsetting. Obviously you are going to continue encouraging him etc but if he knows and trusts that you will allow him to say "no" this time, that in itself might be enough to give him the confidence he needs to give it a try in future. Nothing terrible will happen if he doesn't go, but forcing the issue could be very damaging.

petal2008 · 16/01/2015 12:55

Sounds like my DS. Had a Mon to Fri trip in year 5. He was very nervous about going, hated outdoor activities etc. He had a male teacher who spoke to a few children in the class who felt the same and it was agreed that if they wanted to we could collect them in the week if things weren't going well as it was only about 45mins away.

As it turned out he stayed the week but we didn't get much out of him about what went on.

He is nearly in his twentys now and we were discussing the trip for some reason a few months ago. He said he cried himself to sleep every night and hated every minute. Even though it was years ago I felt really upset about it. :(

I wouldn't send him if he really doesn't want to go.

TheRealMaryMillington · 16/01/2015 13:05

It's too much too soon for him. He knows this and has told you.
I'd take him for a day visit if possible. And if it turned out that he wanted to stay then he could. Quite a few of the kids in my DS1s class did day visits at their mini local residential last year.

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