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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about this childcare arrangement?

70 replies

chimneybee · 15/01/2015 16:12

I'm currently on maternity leave but due to go back to work soon. My mum wants to look after my DC one day every fortnight. This means that I'll have to book a nursery place on that day and once a fortnight I'll be paying for a nursery place I won't use, which is £45. Mum wants to do this so she can still see DGC but not commit to once a week. I feel uncomfortable with this arrangement, mainly because it seems such a waste of money paying for a day a week at nursery that we'll only use half the time and partly because I think the arrangement might be unsettling for DC (although we will be using nursery one other day in the week so it won't be as though they'll only be there once a fortnight). Mum is offering to come to our house to look after DC so agreeing to her suggestion won't mean extra hassle for us and logically I know that it's not financially disadvantaging us because we'd be paying for the day in nursery anyway (it's just the DC would be using it). Am I being silly or would other people feel uncomfortable with this too?

OP posts:

DillyDallyDaydreamer · 15/01/2015 23:31

Sorry read whole thread.get her to do it on your day off .

Vijac · 16/01/2015 00:25

I would to it. Great to have a close relationship with gp. But I would negotiate hard with the nursery. They will probably negotiate as this is an ongoing thing not a one off unless they are genuinely full capacity.

MaryWestmacott · 16/01/2015 00:30

I'd be cautious with the "haggle with nursery" advice- because if you do get them to agree to only going EOW on a set day, given your mum's reluctance to being tied to childcare arrangements weekly, there's a good chance she'll let you down at some point and you'll need that day back.

Pay for the childcare you need, get your mum to do occasional non-work day mornings to give you some free time, and meaning she can be flexible/it's not a full day she's giving up for care.

longestlurkerever · 16/01/2015 12:23

Nursery wouldn't turn you down increasing your hours just out of spite though! But sounds like coming to give you a break on your day off would work well for all of you.

Surreyblah · 16/01/2015 12:30

Her offer wouldn't really help you out, just sounds like a waste of money and impractical. I would say no and as pps suggest encourage her to visit you and the GC regularly and/or look after DC3 from time to time on non nursery days if she wishes.

QuintlessShadows · 16/01/2015 12:35

Let her help out a day when you are not working. You may need to use the time to go to the gym, see friends, get some shopping or chores done, or just have a nap!

TarkaTheOtter · 16/01/2015 12:37

I would love to have my dm get a day a fortnight on her own with my dc. They'll develop a lovely close relationship. Don't just look at the financial side. Anyway, the benefit of paying the nursery for that day is that you'll always have it as an option if your mum is ill. See it as a retainer. It's irrational to not consider the arrangements for financial reasons, you'd be paying either way.

MarionHaste · 16/01/2015 12:47

Do you get the feeling that DM feels she is "rescuing" your DC from nursery? There's definitely a sense on this thread that children would automatically better with a grandparent than in a nursery setting. I would focus on the fact that nursery is a positive experience (obviously it becomes more so as your DC gets older) and in order for him/her to get the most out of it he/she needs to have consistency. Imagine how he might feel if he thinks this is the day when grandma picks him up after lunch, and then it turns out it isn't. My DD's nursery would not accept a baby for less than the equivalent of two full days a week because in their experience this worked best.

LineRunner · 16/01/2015 12:56

I think you feel uncomfortable with your mother's suggestion because of the veiled criticism of nursery identified by MarionHaste above.

There is nothing in this for you. If she does miss a day or drops to half a day, it will be you, on one of your working days, who will be 'just dropping off' your child to nursery. I wouldn't fancy that shit on a working day.

I agree you should arrange for your mother to see your DD on a non-working day and get a break.

Starlightbright1 · 16/01/2015 13:04

Another here..suggest half days a week or another time when you aren't working... I think the can't commit weekly means she will drop out here and then. you are back to square one..

Other point to consider if she can only commit to once a fortnight...If you need a baby sitter, a favour you have almost used up your favours for no benefit at all

longestlurkerever · 16/01/2015 13:29

I think it is a bit harsh of posters to suggest that because your dm doesn't want to commit to every week she is being half hearted and will let you down. Could just as easily be that she has considered carefully what a weekly commitment would mean and has offered what she can without over promising. It's quite a different endeavour to be committed every week. She would need to coordinate her holidays with you, for example.

I agree that having someone in your house isn't a direct equivalent to nursery in terms of money and time saved as they will need food, heating etc aand will make a mess (though mil actually manages net tidying) That said my dd's days with her grandmas are days we don't have to rush to get her ready for nursery and she does different sorts of activities than she does at nursery. Not better but it's a nice change. When younger she also napped better at home than at nursery.

That said, in your particular circumstances dd wil get plenty of time at home so the benefits of a breain routine are less.

longestlurkerever · 16/01/2015 13:31

Sorry - break in routine.

LineRunner · 16/01/2015 13:54

longest, it was the OP who first raised the spectre of being let down, not posters.

longestlurkerever · 16/01/2015 14:03

Yes, the OP said she was wondering whether it might be the thin end of the wedge but was perhaps being unfair and lots of posters said yes her heart doesn't seem to be in it and she is likely to let you down. That might be the case but there is no evidence of this just from the fact she has said she would prefer once a fortnight.

Jackieharris · 16/01/2015 14:05

Why doesn't she babysit on one of your off days leaving you that days to to other things?

atticusclaw · 16/01/2015 14:10

I'd ask her to have the DCs on a Friday evening once a fortnight. Then you'll get some real value out of it since you'll get some (probably much needed) time with your DH.

ChippingInLatteLover · 16/01/2015 14:12

If it were me, I'd book the nursery for what you need. You need to pay for what you need, so you'd be paying for 2 days a week if your mum wasn't around. iyswim.

Then treat the time your mum wants to have your DC as 'a treat' for her and DC. If she wants to have dc she can and if she doesn't dc goes to nursery. Regular or ad hoc days, it really doesn't matter.

It's annoying she doesn't want to commit to weekly and save you some money, but put that to one side and let them enjoy their time together.

It'll be handy dc getting used to her looking after them as she might be willing and able to do it on days he's too poorly to go to nursery or days they're shut. Don't cut your nose off to spite your face.

However, make it very clear to her that this time is already booked and paid for, so it's not doing you a favour. Unless she whips the Hoover around and makes your dinner while she's there!

ChippingInLatteLover · 16/01/2015 14:19

If you'd like some child free time then say you don't want to do this as DC needs to settle into nursery but that you'd be happy to drop DC off every other x day (a day you don't go out to work) if she would like.

But I agree there's probably an element of her wanting to reduce the hours DC is at nursery and I can't blame her for that.

Also to feel she's helping, but you can tell her she's helping by giving you some free time to get 'stuff done'. 'Stuff' can be napping or meeting friends for coffee!

But if she genuinely just wants to spend time with DC, then she'll take what's on offer, whether you are working or not.

cinnamongirl1976 · 16/01/2015 14:27

I can see your mum's point but I think you should say no. I think it will be a lot easier for your DC to be at nursery both days; easier to settle in, too.

My folks offered to something similar for us but they couldn't commit to it being a regular thing because they are retired and like travelling at the drop of a hat (good for them - enjoy your retirement, I say).

They didn't expect anything in return either and were only offering to help out, perhaps because they felt guilty after having looked after my sister's children years ago (they are a lot older now and circumstances have changed). But I said no thanks and they see DD at other times instead (they had no reason to feel guilty anyway - they are very hands on). Sometimes they look after her if she is ill or if I want a bit of time to myself every now and then. It works well for everyone. When I am at work DD goes to a really great childminder and actually I think it is really good for her.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 16/01/2015 14:33

Interesting one!
I guess it is annoying because she is setting this up so she is not helping you - this is purely for her own benefit.
Which technically she is allowed to do, but in a world where working parents struggle to manage and face huge nursery bills it would be nice to think she might be concerned that you could get some benefit from this arrangement.
I would be miffed too, though I am not sure my reasons for miffage would stand up in a court of law.
I would agree with the other posters - save her time with the Dc for when it helps you too - one day a fortnight when you are not a work would be a huge benefit to you. Think feet up, cuppa, catching up on your TV, not doing the housework!

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