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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about this childcare arrangement?

70 replies

chimneybee · 15/01/2015 16:12

I'm currently on maternity leave but due to go back to work soon. My mum wants to look after my DC one day every fortnight. This means that I'll have to book a nursery place on that day and once a fortnight I'll be paying for a nursery place I won't use, which is £45. Mum wants to do this so she can still see DGC but not commit to once a week. I feel uncomfortable with this arrangement, mainly because it seems such a waste of money paying for a day a week at nursery that we'll only use half the time and partly because I think the arrangement might be unsettling for DC (although we will be using nursery one other day in the week so it won't be as though they'll only be there once a fortnight). Mum is offering to come to our house to look after DC so agreeing to her suggestion won't mean extra hassle for us and logically I know that it's not financially disadvantaging us because we'd be paying for the day in nursery anyway (it's just the DC would be using it). Am I being silly or would other people feel uncomfortable with this too?

OP posts:

slithytove · 15/01/2015 18:16

How many kids do you have

Original poster

chimneybee · 15/01/2015 18:54

I have got three DC, but used to live too far away for my mum to feature in childcare arrangements for older ones. I work three days a week and I think I am leaning towards suggesting she come round one day when I'm off so that she can spend time with DC but keep the nursery arrangements separate. A few posters have asked what difference it makes whether mum takes the kids once a fortnight as we'd be paying for the nursery place anyway if we just said a straight no to her having DC once a fortnight and I know that's my mum's view. I'm struggling to articulate why I'm not comfortable with this, it just seems a huge waste of money and I suppose I'm concerned (though maybe unfairly) that this may the thin end of the wedge and that she may start swapping weeks around or saying she'll come out for half the day.

OP posts:

SurlyCue · 15/01/2015 19:01

that this may the thin end of the wedge and that she may start swapping weeks around or saying she'll come out for half the day.

I think if you're thinking that way then you must have fair enough reason to think it would happen. You know your mum and her behaviours and it sounds like you know this would probably happen. Thats a good a reason as any other tbh. If you were going to use her as a childcare it would have to be as dependable as nursery or its just not going to work long term and could cause problems between you. Best to keep childcare and grandparent/child bonding separate.

longestlurkerever · 15/01/2015 19:03

Op might there be any flexibility in your own working pattern? If you or dh could have a day off a fortnight you could maybe manage without the nursery place. My work allow compressed hours so you can do this without losing anybody if you work an extra 45 mins a day (assuming full time). It's great but realise not all works are so flexible. If you have flexible time or generous annual leave it is worth thinking about though - between you and dh it would be one day a month off. Or some nurseries do half days if your cm could commit to two half days?(obv this depends on how far away she is and whether she wants some weeks free for eggs holidays).

. My dm and mil cover one say a fortnight each for us which is fab as it's not too big a commitment for either of them and gives them chance to build a bond. They live 2 hours away but stay overnight. Wouldn't really be feasible every week but once a fortnight is ok, esp as they can cover for each other if one if them has something on.

MaryWestmacott · 15/01/2015 19:11

I agree the non-nursery time would be better, it might also mean you get some time to catch up on chores, or some time to yourself.

This arrangement wouldn't save you any money, and assuming your dcs nursery would provide meals normally that now your mum will make from your kitchen, it would cost you slightly more. You'll have to do a "visitor" clean before a work day too!

If she wants to help, this isn't a help, giving you a break by taking the ore-schooler for morning every other week would be a help.

Schweetheart · 15/01/2015 19:12

Op, arrange your childcare to suit you, not anyone else. It's all so delicately balanced as I'm sure you already know so keep it clean and simple.

I'm very much of the view that childcare needs to make life easier, not more complicated, even if that does include putting grandparents' noses out of joint. Your DM needs to fit in with you, not the other way round, especially if you have the concerns you mention in your last post.

DraggingDownDownDown · 15/01/2015 19:13

I would not want this arrangement for whilst I work incase my mother was ill or decided to not come one day. It would make it rather tricky for work.

bonzo77 · 15/01/2015 19:19

We had an arrangement involving my mum EOW (DH did the other weeks, long story). Total nightmare. My mum was really flakey but made out she was really accommodating . Caused loads of hassle with my and DHs work. We now only rely on her when I need a break, which is rarely. No regular commitments, no evening babysitting. Pisses me off as she got lots of help from her mum.

Ijustdontknowwhattodowithmysel · 15/01/2015 19:20

YANBU. That's a pain.

Littlef00t · 15/01/2015 19:22

In your position I'd be fine with it, on the basis that youre not expecting Her to actually assist in reducing your childcare costs, and just wants quality time with her grandchild.

Sounds like you're bitter that she won't commit to weekly to actually reduce your costs. It might work up to that if she get comfortable with fortnightly.

Presumably if she ever couldnt come you'd just drop into nursery as usual. The only thing is I'd make sure she never tried to just do half a day and told you the day before is she couldn't come as that would be too disruptive otherwise.

Flomple · 15/01/2015 19:31

So DC would be doing 2 days in nursery some weeks and 3 other weeks?

I would be fine with her taking DC out for the occasional one off but with a target of fortnightly it seems a bit bonkers.

Does your nursery offer term time contracts? Could she help out more in the hols when the older ones are about anyway? I think either encouraging her to come on your days off or maybe alternating between your work days and home days would be better. Or she could pick DC up early from nursery rather than taking the whole day.

The thin end of the wedge doesn't bother me because she's offering absolutely nothing concrete anyway, so it wouldn't matter a bit if she swapped days,did half days etc. The flip side is that she is not giving any benefit to you in childcare terms. Fair enough for her to do it for fun, for the relationship with GC of course but be clear that you are not then expected to be eternally grateful for the 'help' . Also, in theory her coming to you sounds easy but the reality for us was a shedload of tidying, planning, note writing and shopping for "easy yet tasty lunch food" whenever DM came to look after ours. But that might be just us!

NeedsAsockamnesty · 15/01/2015 19:41

Would you buy £45 worth of costa coffee with the intention of pouring it down the sink? Her idea is much the same thing.

If coffee is your thing then nothing wrong with buying lots of it but its a bit strange to buy it knowing you won't use it

LaLyra · 15/01/2015 19:59

I wouldn't rule it out on a cost basis. Your childcare costs are what they are. It's not your Mum's fault there's no flexibility in the nursery.

This way your child gets quality time with his grandmother and you have instant back up if she's ill or anything else happens.

I don't get the logic that she's 'costing' you anything. It's not going to cost you any extra to let her do it.

MaryWestmacott · 15/01/2015 20:33

I think you might be better saving your mum's kind 'help' offer for times you will need the childcare, so days your DC can't go to nursery, eg when they are ill, if you need to do an extra or different day due to work commitments, if you need some time to do stuff like go to the dentist or hairdressers yourself on a day off without DC3 in tow.

Her current offer isn't helping you, it's not replacing paid childcare with free, it's not bridging a gap, it's not moving you from a situation of having no childcare to having it or saving any money.

You might also find she's less prepared to do 'additional' childcare of ill child or extra days/couple of hours you need as she's already doing 'regular' care. Don't 'waste' the good will help on care you don't need and doesn't help you.

MinceSpy · 15/01/2015 20:34

Actually if your mum is offering once a fortnight why not make a day you are not working. She gets her granddaughter, you get some precious time and if she can't do it no big deal.

HairyOrk · 15/01/2015 20:36

If she is doesn't want to commit to once a week - how likely is it that she'll actually commit to once a fortnight?

slithytove · 15/01/2015 20:46

Yep. One day a fortnight child and work free for you sounds great

DraggingDownDownDown · 15/01/2015 20:57

what does EOW mean?

Teds77 · 15/01/2015 20:59

My Mum does two days EOW as she lives four hours away. It works well for us. Kids are in nursery two days a week so I work a 'three day week' but I do a two days week, then a four day week. It's not a brilliant working pattern (a 4 day week as 5 and 3 might be better) but it's doable and my work have been great at accommodating it. It saves childcare costs and my kids love their time with Grandma. If you can find a way to make it work I'd give it a whirl.

starving · 15/01/2015 21:16

I agree with the one day a fortnight child and work free. Will give you the chance to do things you can't with kids in tow, like hairdresser, dentist, meet a friend for lunch, shopping, buy kids birthday/Christmas presents. The list is endless.

MaryWestmacott · 15/01/2015 21:19

Dragging - Every Other Week.

Gawjushun · 15/01/2015 21:23

Depending on a family member for any kind of regular arrangement has the potential for disaster in so many ways. Especially as it sounds like her heart isn't really in it, and that she feels it's a massive favour. A regular routine of nursery, plus an evening with grandma every couple of weeks could work out much better.

GraysAnalogy · 15/01/2015 21:25

You'd be paying it anyway so I see no issue with her having her once a fortnight

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 15/01/2015 23:24

Either reduce your own working week (if you can) or keep the nursery hours. Dh and I were lucky enough to condense our working week. The nursery sounds very inflexible.

Ds didn't have a full month in nursery, he always had a bug or had to stay away for 48 hours. Your mum will get plenty of opportunity to bond and can do so of a weekend.

DillyDallyDaydreamer · 15/01/2015 23:29

Could she not have dc once a fortnight on one of your days off at hers? then you'd have a day to yourself ?

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