Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Re birthday night out & friends

42 replies

Ownerofalittlechimp · 14/01/2015 21:15

Evening everyone, just looking for a bit of perspective/advice.

Birthday coming up & looking to plan drinks out with friends in a few weeks, usually around 5-6 of us go. Recently one friend, will call her A has been v upset (tbh it's on & off over last 5 years) regarding the fact that she is single & others in our group are in relationships, some new & some long term. Upset to the point she will cry & have a go at others if she feels we are mentioning partners etc too much or spending all our free time with them when previously we would socialise very frequently (think 2-3 times a week). It's happened on several nights out previously & we've all been on the receiving end of these comments. Just to be clear it's not that now we are in relationships we no longer see her or go out, we do just not as frequently, add to the fact that circumstances have changed with babies coming along for the most part it's not feasible for us to socialise to the level & frequency we have in the past.

We are all very careful with what we say in front of her & try to be understanding, sensitive & sympathetic. Tbh we all wish we could make things better, find her the one etc but obviously that's not how life works.

A couple of friends have now said they are hesitant to come out for my birthday as they are worried how A will behave. They don't want to pay out for baby sitters etc if they are going to get yelled at (this has happened the last few nights out). Being totally honest I'm apprehensive about it to, just want a fun night with my friends. I can't & don't want to not invite her as she is fun to be around & it would also make things worse.

So what do I do, also any ideas on how to better support A would be great (I text regularly, invite for lunch a couple times a week, plan night in/ out where possible - limited options as have ds & dp works shifts).

Sorry for the ramble

Owner x

OP posts:

Original poster

Ownerofalittlechimp · 14/01/2015 21:16

Sorry just realised this is more of a what would you do than Aibu & is probably in the wrong place.

OP posts:

DeliciousMonster · 14/01/2015 21:25

she is fun to be around...if they are going to get yelled at

Either she is fun to be around or she yells at people for being in relationships...

Not sure what you can do if you don't want to not invite her.

diddl · 14/01/2015 21:27

If you invite her, be prepared for it to be the two of you

cosmicglittergirl · 14/01/2015 21:28

Is it worth having a word with her so she knows how she is making them feel? No one should make others feel bad about the differences in their lives. She might tone it down. Yelling at people sounds quite extreme and unreasonable to say the least.

BullshitS70 · 14/01/2015 21:28

Well despite what you say, she doesn't sound fun to be around. She sounds a bit deranged TBH, shouting at her friends on nights out because shes single and you all aren't.

I would give her a wide berth - call me selfish and shallow - but that's what I would do. I have enough on my plate and in my life and I do not have any head space for ridiculous behaviour like this

ilovesooty · 14/01/2015 21:29

Speaking as someone who is single I think someone needs to talk to A and tell her how her behaviour is affecting others.

She's a grown woman, this is her issue and she should stop spoiling others' nights out. If she can't behave appropriately I'd stop including her (though I appreciate you say you don't want to do that).

FightOrFlight · 14/01/2015 21:33

I'd tell her that if she makes a fuss and upsets people then you won't invite her out again. She needs to learn some common decency and not blame others for her lack of a significant relationship. Sounds like there's a good reason she's still single ...

Tinkerball · 14/01/2015 21:34

I wouldn't call it fun to be yelled at simply because I'm in a relationship!

minibmw2010 · 14/01/2015 21:37

She needs to be told what a princess she is becoming/being. You can't give people a hard time because they are in a couple/a family and you aren't, that's just childish

CeliaLytton · 14/01/2015 21:39

Agree someone needs to tell her how her behaviour makes others feel, as otherwise she could be single and without friends to boot.

It is terrible to be lonely, but she has more than many with a circle of friends. It would be a shame for her to lose this but nobody deserves abuse just because they are in a relationship. It sounds like you are all making a massive effort and if it is unappreciated then what is the point?

Mammanat222 · 14/01/2015 21:42

God she sounds awful.

We are talking about a grown up woman right? An actual adult?

I wouldn't waste my time or effort on a 'friend' like this.

LadyLuck10 · 14/01/2015 21:43

You all need to stop pandering to her drama. When she starts with those comments , tell her it's her issue and you all can't stop having partners/ families because she doesn't. Why does one person get to dictate how events pan out.

Original poster

Ownerofalittlechimp · 14/01/2015 21:46

Thanks for the responses, we have all (individually not in a group setting) spoken to her about it & she is not very receptive at all. It's pretty much always ended up with the response of well it's hard for me as I want the things you've got, what is wrong with her, talking about our lives is rubbing it in her face etc.

Like I say we try to be sensitive, go on girls only nights, but it's hard to not mention our own lives/family etc. sometimes get asked if we know any good single guys to set her up with but last time one of us did that & it didn't work she blamed the friend saying she should have known he was a bad guy (not really just didn't want a full on relationship & said so from outset).

It may well end up just being us to. & I guess I should be prepared for it. She knows about it so not inviting her isn't an option.

OP posts:

Foolishlady · 14/01/2015 21:47

I would also advise talking to her before considering cutting her off. Difficult conversation though! Maybe it'll be the sharp shock she needs to realise she could end up friendless as well as single if she's not careful.

DreamingDiva13 · 14/01/2015 21:49

Id either speak to her before the night out and explain that her behaviour is upsetting us or I would invite her and the minute she started being unreasonable to anyone about their relationship status compared to hers I would call her out on it by saying to her something like
'I/friend is not going to apologise for being in a relationship or having a family nor will I/they be made to feel guilty for it. We are not rubbing anyone's face in it, our partners are a part of our lives and as such they will be mentioned when I am talking about my life the same way in which you mention family/friend/work colleagues/being single and I will not apologise for that fact. i know you are upset at being single but that isn't our fault and it isn't okay for you to take your upset out on us or spoil the evening by behaving like this'.

Chances are she won't like being called on it and will strop off but if she is a true friend she will realise she has been at fault and when i next got in touch with her she would apologise and we'd move forward. If not then it's no big loss really, I can't be bothered with jealousy and drama.

ilovesooty · 14/01/2015 21:49

If you end up on your own with her I'd tell her very firmly why no one else would come.

Then if she continued to be unreceptive I'd drop her - like a stone I'm afraid.

Foolishlady · 14/01/2015 21:49

Sorry, cross post!

Jackiebrambles · 14/01/2015 21:50

I do feel for her. It's shit when everyone else has what you want, and not only that they can't hang out with her as much due to their lives changing etc (understandably!).

I think like a pp said someone should go out for a drink/coffee with her and explain that she can't be aggressive and shout at others and that it upsets them, but that you are her friends and are there for her if she needs to vent her frustration at being single.

minibmw2010 · 14/01/2015 21:50

Stop pandering to her and that's what you are all doing. Make it clear she's being unreasonable, you are friends but you won't stop talking about or being with your families. Either that or make it clear she's not going to be invited much longer.

wowfudge · 14/01/2015 21:53

She sounds as though she needs something else in her life as she is just dwelling on the negatives and too reliant on you and your other friends for a social life. Does she have any hobbies?

Jackiebrambles · 14/01/2015 21:53

Sorry, x posted!

I think that you should all agree to do exactly what a pp said, when you are out if she starts going into one call her on it. As kindly as possible! She needs to be told though.

DarkHeart · 14/01/2015 21:56

TBH as harsh as this may sound I literally could not be bothered with some one like this. I would un-invite her and tell her why.

MrsTawdry · 14/01/2015 22:01

Why would your friends need to pay for babysitters if they're in relationships? You need to weigh up which of the friends are most important to you.

If A is then keep her invitation there...tbh the others sound mean.

MsMarvel · 14/01/2015 22:05

How about inviting everyone and partners? So then she knows what the expectation of the night is and can stay away is she doesn't want anything to do with her friends' new lives instead of living in the past.

Jackiebrambles · 14/01/2015 22:08

I do think it's a bit pathetic of the others to potentially not want to come out because of this. When it's your birthday too??

She's clearly having a tough time and you all are in the majority and can stick up for each other surely?!

Flip

1 2