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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Re birthday night out & friends

42 replies

Ownerofalittlechimp · 14/01/2015 21:15

Evening everyone, just looking for a bit of perspective/advice.

Birthday coming up & looking to plan drinks out with friends in a few weeks, usually around 5-6 of us go. Recently one friend, will call her A has been v upset (tbh it's on & off over last 5 years) regarding the fact that she is single & others in our group are in relationships, some new & some long term. Upset to the point she will cry & have a go at others if she feels we are mentioning partners etc too much or spending all our free time with them when previously we would socialise very frequently (think 2-3 times a week). It's happened on several nights out previously & we've all been on the receiving end of these comments. Just to be clear it's not that now we are in relationships we no longer see her or go out, we do just not as frequently, add to the fact that circumstances have changed with babies coming along for the most part it's not feasible for us to socialise to the level & frequency we have in the past.

We are all very careful with what we say in front of her & try to be understanding, sensitive & sympathetic. Tbh we all wish we could make things better, find her the one etc but obviously that's not how life works.

A couple of friends have now said they are hesitant to come out for my birthday as they are worried how A will behave. They don't want to pay out for baby sitters etc if they are going to get yelled at (this has happened the last few nights out). Being totally honest I'm apprehensive about it to, just want a fun night with my friends. I can't & don't want to not invite her as she is fun to be around & it would also make things worse.

So what do I do, also any ideas on how to better support A would be great (I text regularly, invite for lunch a couple times a week, plan night in/ out where possible - limited options as have ds & dp works shifts).

Sorry for the ramble

Owner x

OP posts:

JeanSeberg · 14/01/2015 22:10

She obviously hasn't made the link as to why she's single.

Writerwannabe83 · 14/01/2015 22:11

You have my sympathy.

I am in a good friendship circle of 5 people and everything used to be great. However, as we got older we starting meeting partners, settling down and having babies and that's when things changed. Of the five of us two of us are married with children, another two are in long-term relationships and have children and the other group member is single and childless.

We all feel like we have to watch what we say around our single friend as she gets clearly pissed off if any of us make reference to either our relationship or our children. She spent my Hen Night in tears and when I told her I was pregnant (which I was dreading) it just led to more tears. She isn't really happy for any of us and we tiptoe round her, it's really awkward.

We've all been part of this social circle for 15 years and so it isn't as easy as just cutting her out. Not that we want to cut her out anyway as she is a friend, but it's just a very difficult situation.

ChippingInLatteLover · 14/01/2015 22:14

I would have a word to everyone.

I would tell her that it's YOUR birthday and if she wants to come she isn't to get all shitty about being single and one word out of line to anyone and she can leave and won't be invited next time

She is a grown woman, not a 16 year old.

Then tell the others what you have done, ask them to come because you want a fun night out for your birthday and remind them that you all need to be firm with drippy.

maddening · 14/01/2015 22:15

If she complains again just tell her it is part of growing up - people have babies, people have careers that may become more serious and responsible and demand more from their life, some find they can't financially keep up with 2-3 nights a week as financial demands increase and I certainly don't have the stamina that I had in my early twenties and she needs to understand that is natural, normal and something she has to get used to - it is part of friendship to accept and understand each other's lifestyle, wants and needs are different and are not helped by shouting at people who are still happy and want to share their time with her as friends and in fact she is alienating herself over something that is her own hang up regarding her relationship status.

I'm sure that when she is next in a relationship she will understand but right now she needs to be told that she is being a fool.

Tinkerball · 14/01/2015 22:15

Jackie really? You think it's pathetic not to want to go on a night out with someone who's just going to yell at you because you're in a relationship and they're not? I would call that sensible actually!

nilbyname · 14/01/2015 22:20

That's tough.

I recommend that you invite her out and if she misbehaves send her home in the taxi. Does she lash out when she has had afew?

BoredChurch · 14/01/2015 22:21

She sounds awful. I think I would speak to her before your birthday and tell her that you are worried about her ruining the outing. Tell her that you would love her to come but that you and your other friends May well be talking about babies and partners at some stage in the evening - I'd tell her that if she is not ok with that then it might be best for her not to come.

Jackiebrambles · 14/01/2015 22:21

I suppose what I mean is that surely she's been a nice friend in the past - otherwise everyone would have cut her off long ago. Op says she's lovely!

So she's clearly going through a tough time feeling sad about her situation which is leading to her acting a bit of a twat.

I just think it's the ops birthday, I wouldn't not go out to my friends bday, in a group of people who all feel the same way as I do, just in case one girl gets stroppy. I'd go and have a plan in place in case she goes off on one!

Original poster

Ownerofalittlechimp · 14/01/2015 23:03

Thanks again for the responses.

Thing is Jackie I can see their point tbh, if you don't get to go out much when you do you want to have a fun, relaxed, stress free evening as much as possible, add in to the fact that you have spent £30-40 on a babysitter before even having a drink. Why would you want to risk your night being affected/ potentially ruined because of someone not being happy with your life?

Writer we have very similar situations. She was the person I was hesitant to tell about my engagement, pregnancy etc. I agree it's not as simple as cutting her out & it's not something I want to do.

Should probably add that we work together too so keen to avoid a big confrontation as it would be bandied round the office aswell

OP posts:

Original poster

Ownerofalittlechimp · 14/01/2015 23:06

She is lovely Jackie & we have had some great times together. I think she feels like we have left her behind/out as our lives have moved in but I genuinely feel like I've made more of an effort to do stuff/spend time together as I'm aware of how she feels.

OP posts:

Jackiebrambles · 15/01/2015 08:11

Its very difficult. I think all you can do is try to have a quiet word with her before the birthday night.

If you work together could you go out for lunch or something and try to explain exactly how she has made you feel with the way she acts.

Be gentle but say that you all love hanging out with her but that she can't shout/be aggressive with you as its upsetting people who want a nice relaxed night out.

UmizoomiThis · 15/01/2015 08:20

I'd tell her others are hesitant to come out with her because of her behaviour last time. And ask for her reassurance she won't repeat it. Then suggest counselling.

UmizoomiThis · 15/01/2015 08:24

And also make sure significant others are invited. Then if she kicks off, ask incredulously if she's really asking friends to put her above their children's father/mother. And again repeat the counselling.

Many friends go through this. If some find it too painful, they withdraw from the group and see people one on one to maintain the friendships. Not demand and dictate what friends can share with each other and make others feel uncomfortable.

TheMuppetsSingChristmas · 15/01/2015 08:27

Can you afford two nights out? One nice intimate one with loopy friend, and one bigger girls night with everyone else? Because unless you're prepared to face the fall out of speaking to her openly about her poor behaviour, I see no other way of everyone being happy.

Chandon · 15/01/2015 08:32

It is self centred of friends to demand "nothing changes" for their friends (living the single life forever).

She needs to grow up a bit, and learn that nobody's life is perfect, relationships are not perfect, and she needs to accept people move on in life.

I'd be blunt and tell her you really want her to come, but you are all worried about her yelling and getting angry.

I think she may strop off, and spend her time feeling sorry for herself and that you all let her diwn. She sounds to me like the sort of person who , if she can't be happy, does not want others to be happy either.

To be honest, she does not sound a good friend.

diddl · 15/01/2015 08:54

If people are going on & on about OHs, it can be annoying (even if you're not single!), but really easy enough to say "stop now" with a laugh.

Yelling is not on.

I'd invite who you want to & tell her first, no yelling, or you'll leave her!

kungfupannda · 15/01/2015 09:11

Difficult. I used to have a friend like this. We shared a flat for a year and it was incredibly difficult, as she couldn't stand being 'left out' of anything, so I could never just arrange to see completely different groups of friends, or go out with DP, who I'd only been seeing for a few months at that point, as a couple, or with another couple, without a massive row.

If she did come out, she spent most of the time berating us for not including her in everything, and not understanding how lonely it was to be single. Finally another close friend of ours snapped and told her outright that friends don't sign a contract saying that they'll spend every waking hour with you and never have any fun without you. She then didn't speak to the rest of us for quite a long time.

I'm still in Facebook contact with her, and she hasn't changed. She now says these sort of things on Facebook, and directly challenges people about nights out or holidays she wasn't invited on. Lots of people have blocked/defriended, and I've come pretty close.

The real shame is that she's otherwise nice, intelligent, witty, attractive and interesting, and lots of men have asked her out over the years, but she has scared most of them off by being so intense about relationships/friendships, and plastering every aspect of them over Facebook. She's also lost a lot of friends over it.

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