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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not tell my DCs this

107 replies

MiddleAgedandConfused · 14/01/2015 15:45

Background - married my Uni boyfriend in my early twenties, divorced mid twenties - no kids together. Met current DH when I was about 30 and have been together 20 years; 2 DCs, 13 and 16. Family and a few old close friends know I am divorced, but I have no contact with anyone else from that time in my life. Haven't seen exDH for 25 years.
A close family member that I like and trust has told me that they think I should have told my DCs; they think that when the DCs find out I was married before they will be angry and resentful they had not been told earlier.
I have not taken a conscious decision to not tell them - I have never even really thought about it. DH and I have never discussed it. It is something I consider irrelevant - it happened years before they were born, before I met DH, so to me it just a non-story. But happy to tell them if it could be an issue.
AIBU not to say anything?
Or is the other person?

OP posts:

Original poster

MiddleAgedandConfused · 14/01/2015 16:37

I think I will say something. But now I feel really nervous about doing it !

OP posts:

FourthMary · 14/01/2015 16:40

I am also in the same position, seems to be a few of us. I don't intend for it to be a secret, but haven't felt the need to mention it yet. It was as if the whole thing happened to someone else, like it wasn't even me.

I will aim to do it before the age of 10, just a casual mention so it isn't a secret but not a big deal either.

HappyAgainOneDay · 14/01/2015 16:40

No one has mentioned that a previous marriage might have finished because the ex husband or ex wife died ....

browneyedgirl86 · 14/01/2015 16:41

Before my parents met as got married, my mum was married. I found out when my parents divorced and I was about 19 at the time. I wasn't in the slightest bit bothered. My mum was 17 years old and there was no children. I feel sad she felt it was a secret. But the truth was she never felt it was- my birth dad didn't like any mention of it and made my mum destroy any trace of the marriage. I found out because he told me out of spite. But it makes not a bit of difference to how I view my mum.

I think your family member is being unreasonable.

Swingball · 14/01/2015 16:43

Tell them if you have a natural opportunity to do so but think your relative is making a meal out of it. I lived with someone before but I don't feel the need to tell this to dd unless it comes up. Don't really see why this is any different.

Original poster

MiddleAgedandConfused · 14/01/2015 16:51

Decided to just do it.
My daughter (16) walked into my home office a few minutes ago - so I said "I am going to tell you something about me that you do not know...."

She looked - wait for it - shocked!
We chatted for all of 2 minutes and then she walked out to carry on with her homework. No tears. No problem.
I have told her I am happy to talk about it if she wants more info. but she does not appear to be very interested.

Job done!
Thanks your help - I would not have tackled this if I had not read your responses.
DS next...
Not sure that will be as easy!

OP posts:

GillSans · 14/01/2015 16:52

My mum and dad were both engaged before they married each other. Reading their old love letters was a source of much hilarity to my sister and me when we were younger. I do remember spending a lot of time wondering what I would have looked like if they had married their first loves

GillSans · 14/01/2015 16:53

Just seen your update. Well done!!

RinkyTinkTen · 14/01/2015 16:54

I don't really see what the issue is, I found out my dad had been married briefly before he met my mother. I was surprised, but hardly resentful & angry. He's still my dad and has nothing to do with his first wife, there were no children either.

dragdownthemoon · 14/01/2015 16:56

My mum was engaged to someone else before she married my Dad. My Grandma was engaged to a man who died in the war before they got married :( these things are part of their story and the only thing it makes me think is that it is wird how everything is such a delicate balance - if Grandma's fella hadnt died in the war then my mum, and consequentially me, would not exist. Weird...

I didn't know about my mum's ex until I was a teenager and it came up in conversation when chatting about relationships. I only found out about my Grandma's ex a few years back.

If there were kids involved that is obviously different but I can't see any reason your children need to know, or need to not know, it's just part of your life there is no need to hide it but no reason I can see to sit them down and tell them.

Do people usually tell their children about their exes?

Italiangreyhound · 14/01/2015 16:59

middle you said But now I feel really nervous about doing it ! Please do not feel worried. Can I explain my perspective? I'm mum to two kids and one is adopted. The thinking now in adoption circles and our training is very much to tell kids everything relevant to them in an age appropriate way and as early as possible/age appropriate. So there are no surprises later in life when they find out things, be they good things, bad things or simply neutral things.

You are not in the same position as me but I still feel for birth children too (I also have a birth dd) that giving them the facts of our family history are helpful. Our dd was conceived through IUI (fertility treatment) so I told her this early on, in an age appropriate way and it is just part of her story too. It is not the same because it is about her, I can see that, but I think family members' history plays into family story too. Just my humble opinion

Italiangreyhound · 14/01/2015 17:03

Oh well done middle a first prize for grabbing the bull by the horns and just going for it.

Original poster

MiddleAgedandConfused · 14/01/2015 17:05

More worried about telling DS - he's 13 and a sensitive soul!

OP posts:

BoredChurch · 14/01/2015 17:06

I always think it's best to be honest and straightforward. I have always told my DC everything. Then there are no big reveals. It would be odd if you thought your parents had had no life before settling down with each other.

I hope your DS is ok too.

PeaStalks · 14/01/2015 17:07

I think you have made the right decision to tell them.
I have a close friend who my DC have known forever. She has 3 DC and they are like family.
I mentioned once in conversation that I had been to her first wedding. They were utterly shocked that someone they knew and loved had been divorced and they didn't know.

KatOD · 14/01/2015 17:11

Up to you, you know your DCs.

If it were me I'd tell them but just in a matter of fact way so that they don't find out from someone else and feel like you were hiding something.

When I was 18 a close friend of mine found out her mum had been married to someone before her dad and hadn't told her. She was very upset and felt it indicated that her mum didn't trust her. But that was her take on it, your DCs might not see it like that, you know them, you decide.

LiegeAndLief · 14/01/2015 17:13

I was going to tell you to do it so pleased to see you have! Well done!

My mum was married before my dad (no children, short marriage). She told us when I was about 11, in a sit down talk rather than in passing conversation. It made me feel quite unsettled for no logical reason. When I was a bit older I found out she left him with nothing because he was abusive, so now it just makes me feel angry!

I would have been horrified if I had found out after she died though. I think I would have felt she had kept it from me, even if she had just never mentioned it because it was a non event. Anyway, my mum never stops talking and must have told me pretty much everything else about her life so it would have been very odd.

SnowLondon · 14/01/2015 17:15

I know a 25 year old adult that just found out one of her patents were previously married. She was really upset

TiggerLillies · 14/01/2015 17:16

I also vote for telling and making it a non issue.
It will help them see you as a person too, with a life beyond them and maybe help them see you as more approachable with their issues as you have trusted them to talk about your life.

(I always wondered why I should should tell my parents anything about my life when they didn't talk to me about theirs!)

irishe · 14/01/2015 17:16

My mother told me she was married before, when I was 17. Turns out she was married for 15 years! I was a bit surprised but it actually explained a lot. She told me, she had married at 21 and her first husband had an affair, they split up and he went on to marry the woman he had an affair with and had a child with her. Mum said he was the love of her life.

This was back in the sixties. My mum told me, it was very hard to be a divorced woman with no children at this time. Mum told me, she married the first man who asked after her divorce. A couple of years into the marriage she needed a hysterectomy. They went on to adopt myself and my brother. My parents are both dead now. At the time, the questions it answered (which I did not know I had) where why my parents were "older parents" and why there wasn't much love between my parents. It was a marriage of necessity for my mum really.

I wasn't annoyed with my mum (why would I be) I felt sad she had so much sadness in her life. I actually accompanied her to her first husbands funeral, to say goodbye.

I was glad she felt able to tell me. I guess it will depend on the child how they react. I was almost an adult and very close to my mum. There was almost nothing she could have told me, that would have made me love her less. It was her life story, not mine.

NotCitrus · 14/01/2015 17:35

My mum explained her family tree when I was about 9, so that Aunt A was her sister, but Aunts B and C were her brother's wives, and mentioned that she had a first husband but no children with him. They were too young and should never really have got married, separated after a few years, eventually divorced - and it was when celebrating the divorce she met my dad.

They sent Christmas cards for years and met up again about 25 years later, becoming quite good friends and going "thank god we aren't married!". He died recently and I'm a bit sad I never met him, as he must have been with my mum through a lot.

It's just part of my family history and a better story than most.

TeenAndTween · 14/01/2015 18:42

Well done for telling your DD.
Hope your DS takes it well too.
If he does then that's great, job done.
If he doesn't, then so much better to have told him than kept silent for it to come out even later.

Original poster

MiddleAgedandConfused · 14/01/2015 23:12

Will let you know how it goes with DS! Hopefully will find time tomorrow.

OP posts:

dogtanianandthe3muskehounds · 14/01/2015 23:18

I found out when I was 11 that my Mum had been married before when I asked to look at their marriage certificate as part of a school project. I was very shocked, although I don't really know why. I do wish my Mum had told me.

dogtanianandthe3muskehounds · 14/01/2015 23:18

Sorry, that should say asked to look at my parent's marriage certificate

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