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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell my DCs this

107 replies

MiddleAgedandConfused · 14/01/2015 15:45

Background - married my Uni boyfriend in my early twenties, divorced mid twenties - no kids together. Met current DH when I was about 30 and have been together 20 years; 2 DCs, 13 and 16. Family and a few old close friends know I am divorced, but I have no contact with anyone else from that time in my life. Haven't seen exDH for 25 years.
A close family member that I like and trust has told me that they think I should have told my DCs; they think that when the DCs find out I was married before they will be angry and resentful they had not been told earlier.
I have not taken a conscious decision to not tell them - I have never even really thought about it. DH and I have never discussed it. It is something I consider irrelevant - it happened years before they were born, before I met DH, so to me it just a non-story. But happy to tell them if it could be an issue.
AIBU not to say anything?
Or is the other person?

OP posts:
Original poster
MiddleAgedandConfused · 14/01/2015 16:07

Bowlersarm - I think your point cuts to the heart of it. For me it is just another thing from my past. The DCs may well have very different and not very logical feelings about it.

OP posts:
magpieginglebells · 14/01/2015 16:08

I'd be pissed off if I found something like that out as an adult and wonder why it was a secret. I would just be honest with them.

Original poster
MiddleAgedandConfused · 14/01/2015 16:08

McButtonwillow - agree with you entirely.

OP posts:
Pancakeflipper · 14/01/2015 16:11

I think they would only be angry resentful if they found out not through you. And that might happen when they are older.

Then they might wonder why you 'hid' it. You might see it as not involving them so why tell them but they might see it as a big part of your life. And they might wonder what else you are hiding...

NancyRaygun · 14/01/2015 16:11

My Uncle was married before he met and married my aunt. They have two grown up children together and now grandchildren. He has never told his DC and its become a bit of a 'family secret'. I think the fact that we all (the rest of the family) know and his DC don't is possibly going to hurt them when/if they do ever find out.

To be honest they will probably find out after he dies, and I suspect they might wonder why the heck it's never been mentioned. I get the impression that he is slightly ashamed of his first marriage - but I don't know if thats true.

I think whoever said look at some photos together is on to something, and i think you should be prepared for them (your DC) to be a bit rocked by it.

Eeeeek123 · 14/01/2015 16:12

I always knew both parents had been divorced before meeting each other, don't even remember why/how I found out. I never cared and still don't. They divorced each other too so i just tease them about being bad adverts for marriage :-)

needaholidaynow · 14/01/2015 16:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoYouKnowTheMuffinMan · 14/01/2015 16:12

I found out a few years ago that my dad had been married before he met my mum and had me and my brother. Had no kids with her, I don't know a thing about her! I wasn't angry that it'd been kept from me it was just a bit of a shock and it's something I haven't really thought about since. Doesn't bother me at all, it's his business!

BitchPeas · 14/01/2015 16:16

I found out age 10/11 that my mum had been married before. Didn't bother me or my sister in the slightest, to me it's just a fact of life.

It does bother my brother massively though, so maybe it depends on the child.

sliceofsoup · 14/01/2015 16:16

It might be a non event to you, but a wedding and a marriage is a pretty big event in a persons life. So to them it might mean more.

I know basically everything about my parents, people they dated before each other, the time they got arrested, exactly how they met, the ins and outs of their wedding. It all got lumped in with the mundane stuff that you just know. I do realise that not every family is like this, my DH knows next to nothing about his parents. But to find out theres this big anomaly in the "just know" category must sting a bit.

Original poster
MiddleAgedandConfused · 14/01/2015 16:19

So one more question - do you think that the age people are told makes a difference? Sounds like most DCs are a bit shocked/surprised when they find out - which is reasonable. So (to those of you who have been through this as DCs) is there any advantage to being younger when you find out? My relative thinks that the longer I leave it the more hurt the DCs will be when I tell them.

OP posts:
DishwasherDogs · 14/01/2015 16:20

If my mother died and I found out she had been married, I would be hurt and upset, and would assume it was a very difficult time for her if she kept it secret. I would never assume it was a non-event.

If to you it was a non event, I would definitely tell your dc. Better they know now whilst you are around to keep their imaginations in check.

Galvanized · 14/01/2015 16:20

My DH found out in his late teens that his dad was married before (found the paperwork when looking for something else and his parents probably would never have told otherwise). he is certainly not resentful or annoyed, just wanted an explanation and the story, no drama came of it. YANBU at all.

yougotafastcar · 14/01/2015 16:23

I found out about age 14 that my dad had been married before. He didn't want to tell me but when I asked who the woman was in a photo, they felt they had too. I didn't really care to be honest, wasn't a big deal!

Have also always known my mum was engaged a few times. Never thought of it as an issue

Original poster
MiddleAgedandConfused · 14/01/2015 16:25

DishwasherDogs that's a good point - I hadn't thought of that.

OP posts:
VictorineMeurent · 14/01/2015 16:27

I can't see any reason not to tell them, but I understand you may not have had reason to until now. My DH was briefly married in his early 20's, no children, she left him as they didn't get on very well. They were just too young. My sons didn't know about this until they were around 15, we were just joking about something and I mentioned " The first Mrs M" and they said they hadn't known, but thought it was quite interesting. No problems arose.

BlackbirdOnTheWire · 14/01/2015 16:28

My DM was engaged when she met my DF. 3 months later, she married my DF Grin. They're still happily married 4 decades on. I always knew, don't remember being told, but certainly before I was 5. It has never occurred to me to have negative (or indeed, any) thoughts about it, it was just a fact, in the same way I knew how my parents met, the jobs they did, etc. It's just an amusing family story.

Clobbered · 14/01/2015 16:28

I don't understand why this should be a big issue either way - whether you tell them or not, it's not going to impact their lives, and as you say, it's ancient history. No earthly reason why they should be angry or upset. It's nobody else's business, and your relative should butt out. Is there any chance that they will say something to the DCs if you don't? I think it's probably right to tell them at some stage, because they may be left with unanswered questions otherwise, but the timing is for you to decide, not some interfering do-gooder busybody!

ilovelamp82 · 14/01/2015 16:30

I think you should probably tell them. I lost both my parents quite young and there are a million questions i could ask them. If i found something like that out after they'd gone i would wonder what else they hadn't told me and feel like i didn't know them as well as i thought.

It's not a big deal, i don't think that your dc will have any kind of traumatic reaction but keeping secrets that may one day come out could be upsetting.

Original poster
MiddleAgedandConfused · 14/01/2015 16:30

Clobbered - no they would never say anything. And they really do have the best intentions.

OP posts:
Chrysanthemum5 · 14/01/2015 16:34

It's interesting reading these responses. I haven't had any contact with my ex-H for 15 years and I honestly forget I was married before. It wasn't a great decisionand he was abusive so I think I've just done my best to forget it.

I think I will tell the DCs when they are older but I don't know how it might come up in conversation while they are young.

goshhhhhh · 14/01/2015 16:35

I found out after my father died he had been married before. Initially on the day he died & it was all a bit weird and filled with rumour. I personally don't feel anything differently about him & in some ways it made him more of a person iyswim. However some of my sisters reacted very badly (due in large to my parents's views about divorce). I think not knowing or having the opportunity to talk about it made it a bigger deal.
Personally I would tell & make it part of a general conversation about relationships.

LemonDrizzleTwunt · 14/01/2015 16:36

Tell them.

When my dad died I found out that mum was actually his third wife, not his second. I knew about the first one as there were children from that marriage. The second was so short it was annulled, I believe.

It's inexplicable, but I was really hurt. I think as children we believe that we know our parents inside out, and it's very unsettling to have that notion crash down around your ears. Why didn't he tell me himself? Was he hiding it from me? Did he not think me capable of handling it? It makes him feel like a stranger to me, and hurts that there is a part of his life he deliberately withheld.

Do the right thing by them- at least if you tell them then you're there to comfort them in person, answer any questions, and reassure them that this doesn't change anything. I can see why you're reluctant, but please don't let them find out from someone else, particularly when you're not around to explain more fully.

(Oh, and btw I was 21 when he died. I cried when I found out about EXW no.2)

Italiangreyhound · 14/01/2015 16:37

Middleagedandconfused (great name). I think you should tell them. I agree with TeenAndTween get some old photos out and make it all very matter of fact.

It's your story and your choice but I do think it is better to tell and I think your relative is saying this because they are maybe concerned about a 'secret' between your children and you, not through any negative reasons.

The reasons I would tell would be because sometimes things can become a 'secret' in that some people know and some do not, and that can lead to a sense of 'why does X know (your relative) and not me'.

Also there might be a sense of if this has not been told to me what else has not been told.

OR they might be no bad reaction at all. Which of course I would hope is the case.

My mum is in her 80s and if I suddenly found out now that she had been married before she met my dad, all those years ago, and not told me, I would feel a bit like she had kept something from me. Even if she had not intended to. I would not be devastated etc but I would be surprised and perhaps negatively so.

LemonDrizzleTwunt · 14/01/2015 16:37

goshhhhhh are you my sister?!

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