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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have said no to DM?

36 replies

FlyorNot · 14/01/2015 10:21

We were considering going to visit DM and DSF in their home abroad in the summer. DM had offered to pay for flights and we do spending money, food etc. All very generous of them. DsB (DF side) has now announced his wedding very close to the same dates.

The problem is the wedding will be abroad and will cost us any spare money we have for the summer for DH and I to go. We are very happy for him and excited to share their day. So have chosen the wedding over DM visit. DC will stay home for the two days with GP that they see every week.

DM suggested in the summer she collects DC's and takes them to her house. This involves a long drive and then 5 hour flight. After a long discussion DH and feel that at 2 & 4 this would be too much for the DC to cope with. DC1 is very emotional and unsettled easily. When they are a bit older it will a wonderful trip.

As a comprise we suggested a holiday at our house and day trips out or a small holiday in the uk somewhere. DH and I would stay somewhere else so as not to interfere with their quality time. Dsf sees them once a year due to work and DM a few times. For that reason we want them to have this time together but where DC will feel comfortable. DM has health issues which mean she may take ill while travelling with them, which is worrying in itself. Sadly the dates are not negotiable as DSF has to take alloted dates.

Saying no has not been received well. We have been told it is unfair and they are not getting the same access to DC as other GPs. As in holidays they spend a week with GP a 4 hour drive away. They are convinced it will be ok as they fly fine with us so why wouldn't they with GP? They are ofended and angry saying we dont trust them. Which isn't true.

So MN AIBU not letting DC go?

OP posts:
LadyLuck10 · 14/01/2015 10:28

Yanbu, they are still so little so do all that traveling away from your and DH. I too think in this case your dsb wedding takes priority over a holiday.

QueenVick · 14/01/2015 10:34

YANBU at all. All of your points are valid and in the best interests of your DC.

Could your DM visit with your DC at your home so that the DC are not yet having to do a lot of travelling. They are still so young yo do so much travelling without their parents.

Also I don't see why you and your DH being around will impact on the quality of the time that your DM spends with them

Personally I would not want my DCs travelling, alone?, with someone who has health issues meaning they could be taken ill while travelling. I know anyone can be taken ill while travelling but why tempt fate if your DM has a pre existing condition.

diddl · 14/01/2015 10:37

Will your mum & SF be going to the wedding so that you can catch up?

Why can't you afford both if your mum was going to pay for you to go to them?

I think that YANBU to say no to your kids being collected & yaken back.

SukieTuesday · 14/01/2015 10:43

I think you're right about not letting them fly without you and I understand that you want to go to the wedding. I do feel sorry for your poor mother. She was looking forward to seeing her grandchildren, even paying for the flights do you could get there, and now not only will she not see them but they'll be left with their other grandparents for two days which must rub salt in the wound.

MagicMojito · 14/01/2015 10:54

I don't think your unreasonable as they are your children and you are entitled (and morally obligated) to put their wellbeing first. Yes its disappointing for your DM and DSF, but you have given them other very good options which they have refused.

YANBU

CrystalHaze · 14/01/2015 11:03

Do your parents live abroad, or just spend the summer there? Did they move abroad/start spending summer abroad after you had your children? I ask this because unfortunately one of the issues that results from a decision to move/spend time overseas is not being in regular contact with the people who remain back home. It seems like your DM perhaps underestimated how difficult this aspect would be for her.

YANBU to not want your children to travel abroad without you, and in the care of someone with health problems.

TheRealMaryMillington · 14/01/2015 11:05

I think if I was your mother that I would be feeling very hurt and disappointed about you all not being able to find a way to visit her as well as attend the wedding. So whilst all the stuff about things not being fair and "equal access as other GPs" is nonsense - and should be treated as- such I think you have to understand the place she is coming from.

What were their objections to a UK holiday - it sounds like a good compromise in some ways - but surely that would cost you the same as spending money in your mother's country?

YANBU to not send them abroad with your DM. It's not about trust, its about wanting to not be a plane flight away from your DC

Original poster
FlyorNot · 14/01/2015 11:06

We can't afford to do both as I have recently gone self employed and working on growing a business. It makes the budget tight but if we are sensible it works ok. Flying to DsB wedding and expenses will not leave enough to go to DM too. It's an expensive place.

We said we'd stay elsewhere if they wanted so that they were getting the same as other GP, time alone. DM and DSF are more than welcome to have DCs instead of other GP. The wedding just happenes to be straight after they have to go home. Thats the only reason they can't. They are welcome to be here as soon as DSF holiday starts. I wanted to check if IBU because DM was so angry at not being allowed to take them on flight back to her house.

OP posts:
Original poster
FlyorNot · 14/01/2015 11:14

They moved abroad permanently before I had DC.

If they did holiday in the uk, DH and I would either stay with MIL locally and still work or stay home if they went away. We can't afford to go with them. Perhaps a couple of day trips if it was local and they wanted us to join, doing free stuff like the beach or something suitable to DM condition.

I understand her disappointment as it must be hard but any alternative was just met with angerSad. I told her I was sorry she felt this way but I'm just doing what is right for my very sensitive DC as their DM. Her response was well I'm their GP. It was left that she would talk to DSF. I just have to wait I guess.

OP posts:
Original poster
FlyorNot · 14/01/2015 11:19

Wedding is on my fathers side, his DS with SDM. (sorry if I get the acronyms wrong).

OP posts:
diddl · 14/01/2015 11:33

"I wanted to check if IBU because DM was so angry at not being allowed to take them on flight back to her house."

Of course YANBU about this.

Of course she is upset & disappointed, but you have offered an alternative that she/they don't want.

She has offered an alternative alternative that you don't want!

So either someone gives in (not you!), or someone (imo) cuts off their nose to spite their face by not grabbing at the chance to see their GC, albeit not in exactly the way that they had wished.

i can understand her being annoyed if they have offered to pay as you couldn't afford it, but now you can find the money to attend the wedding iyswim.

Of course, without knowing if they get on, she could also see it as you choosing your dad over her!

Original poster
FlyorNot · 14/01/2015 12:23

I think that is how she has taken it, choosing DF over her in a way. Sadly she will have to get over that, we are not going to let my SDB and soon to be SIL down on their big day. I hope they do calm down and take up an alternative.

(Without saying too much an ouying myself totally) The wedding is a weekend hop and tin can budget flight. DM is in an expensive holiday destination, even budget is way out of our price range, hense DM offering to pay for flights. So we haven't found the money for something instead of them.

OP posts:
diddl · 14/01/2015 12:25

Sorry, for some reason I was thinking that you'd be going for a week or so to the wedding & making a holiday of it!Blush

Original poster
FlyorNot · 14/01/2015 12:28

no worries, I perhaps should have explained that better in op.Smile

OP posts:
YackityUnderTheMistletoe · 14/01/2015 12:35

Wow, you are really generous. I would never offer to let my parents stay in my house with my DC and stay elsewhere just to give them 'quality time'.

YAsooooNBU - the fact that you have to ask tells me that your 'D'M has a habit of being demanding and you've been guilted into giving into her your whole life.

diddl · 14/01/2015 12:44

"I would never offer to let my parents stay in my house with my DC and stay elsewhere just to give them 'quality time'."

Yes, that as well!

Mind you, I wouldn't have anywhere else to stay.

Original poster
FlyorNot · 14/01/2015 12:45

pretty much yackitySad. If they dont buck up and continue to strop or argue do I say here or nothing or forget it all together? I don't want to be mean but at the same time I'm trying to set boundaries where DCs are concerned. It is a fairly new thing for me to stand up to them.

OP posts:
Bigbadgeorge · 14/01/2015 12:47

Yanbu

Their choice to live abroad, your children are really young still and won't really know your DM. Wouldn't be kind to pack them off on a plane with her.

I see her disappointment though, which might be made worse because it is a wedding on your fathers side. Life is not always fair and hopefully she'll calm down soon and accept your very generous compromise

Original poster
FlyorNot · 14/01/2015 12:48

If DC's are comfortable it will be beneficial for DH and I to not be here too. We wouldnt be far away at all. It can be tense plus its a tiny house, we get on top of each other. It would be a shame if that spoilt their time together as I know they do love DC.

OP posts:
diddl · 14/01/2015 12:49

Don't be sad, OP, you have offered them a perfectly generous alternative.

They can see their GC if they want.

Just not all on your mum's terms!

diddl · 14/01/2015 12:50

"It can be tense plus its a tiny house"

Shouldn't they be the ones staying elsewhere?

Original poster
FlyorNot · 14/01/2015 12:56

It would be easier on DM to be here with her condition. Plus if we have said no to her house then paying for hotel seems harsh. DMIL will have us and I love her to bits, be like a little holiday at hersGrin As you say they don't really know DM which is a factor.

OP posts:
simonthedog · 14/01/2015 12:58

Yanbu. I wouldn't be moving out of my house so they could stay. They would have to fit into the house or stay somewhere close by. I would also be upset if my mum only wanted to see her grand children and not me.

MaryWestmacott · 14/01/2015 13:08

hmm, my parents have a holiday home abroad that they spend more than half the year at and from this year, will be living in permanently (renting out the UK house). Subsequantly, my PIL have a much closer relationship with my DCs and I would be far more comfortable with PIL having sole care of my DCs for a few days, but not my parents who are more of occasional visitors rather than weekly parts of their lives to my DCs.

I think YANBU to treat the two sets of grandparents differently, your mother took the choice to move away, so that means she doesn't get to have the close grandparent bond. True, there weren't any DCs when she went, but she must have realised it was a possibilty. This is the downside of that.

It's not about being fair to the grandparents, it's about being fair to the children, your DC don't know your DM and DSF very well. It would be too much at that age to expect them to cope, whereas it's easier to judge if they can cope for a few days while you go away with your PIL.

Your DSB's wedding must be a priority, and while he's not part of your Mum's family, he's part of yours. Again, parents who divorce and remarry do need to accept the people who are part of their family and the people who are part of their DCs family are different.

diddl · 14/01/2015 13:08

" Plus if we have said no to her house then paying for hotel seems harsh."

Well I see where you are coming from, but if you had no where else to stay, that's the way it would have to be.

It's unfortunate the way things have happened, but whilst discussing going to her, something has come up which means that you can't.

The only solution is that she comes to you!