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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go on holiday as soon as DS starts school?

34 replies

567 · 13/01/2015 11:26

My DP are going to treat the family to a holiday (very lovely of them, no doubt about that) for two weeks abroad.

I said 'Oh how lovely! When do you plan on going?' And they told me that I will have to let DS (3) have the first two weeks off of the start of school after the summer as they want to go at the beginning of September.

I said that I cannot allow that because DS has Autism and they are going to be setting up the help he will need whilst he is at school and the school would not appreciate him having the very first 2 weeks off when he starts and it's important that I maintain a good relationship with the school for DS' sake.

They have gone mad, I mean really mad and are not talking to me now.

AIBU? I just don't think that it's possible or right to do this when DS is going to have extra support because of his Autism and to not even attend the first 2 weeks because I'm going on holiday would cause problems for me IMO and I'm not willing to start to year like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
567 · 13/01/2015 11:26

I should also say that I have told them that going without me wouldn't be a problem and that isn't an option for them and they think that I'm creating a drama.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 13/01/2015 11:29

YANBU, and are they also planning to cover the cost of the fine that may be incurred? I am not sure whether you would be fined as he will be 4 rather than 5, but its possible that you will be if he is enrolled in full time school.

Stick to your guns. Are they always "my way or the highway"?

TeenAndTween · 13/01/2015 11:31

YANBU

But

Some primaries have a staggered start. Could that be disrupting for a child with Autism?
I have no direct knowledge of this, but is it at all possible that it would be better for your DS to start 2 weeks in to term, once everyone else has got into routines, so the classroom is more 'ordered' for him?

ilovesooty · 13/01/2015 11:31

I agree with you. Your son's needs come first. They are being really unreasonable.

Original poster
567 · 13/01/2015 11:32

Thank you Bogeyface.

He will be starting full time in September in reception, I'm not sure about the fine but my DP have the attitude 'It will never happen and they can't enforce it'.

They have always been this way yes and I have missed out on many holidays before as a teenager because of commitments I couldn't get out of.

OP posts:
PfftTheMagicDraco · 13/01/2015 11:33

OP wouldn't be fined - he's under 5.

Not the point though, the issue is regarding the ASD and settling into school which must not be missed. YANBU.

MaryWestmacott · 13/01/2015 11:34

Is your DS 3 so it's pre-school? I don't think you are being unreasonable, but I can see why if it's pre-school, not school they might think it's not as 'fixed' about going in school holidays.

Just stick to your position. You won't take him out of school so you'll have to say they can go without you. A favour that causes you more problems than it solves (not going on holiday or having ot pay for it yourself not being a massive problem) isn't a favour.

I hate it when people decide to do something 'nice' for you in a way that suits them and then get annoyed when you decline because it doesn't suit you - if you were insisting they moved the holiday or still paid for you to go away, that would be a different matter.

Ignore them not talking to you. To wider family just repeat that you don't understand why you're parents are so angry, you can't take DS away out of school holidays (not that you won't, say you can't), but were happy for them to go without you and you told them before they spent any money/you told them straight away it wasn't a problem, if they'd spent money without checking first if you could go, that's hardly your fault...

Once they've finished sulking, they might realise they are being petty.

But make sure you focus on "I can't take DS away outside of school holidays because of his additional support." not "I won't" - always, "I can't".

ExitPursuedByABear · 13/01/2015 11:34

For any child to miss the first two weeks of school for something none urgent is bloody ridiculous.

MaryWestmacott · 13/01/2015 11:36

oh x post and seen it's the start of reception - you definately can't have him miss it then - I imagine they are deliberately starting him first (most schools don't start reception until the second week) to give them time to get him settled before the other children arrive.

Your DS is more important than your parents. Let them sulk, don't try to 'fix' this - don't engage at all. Act as you would a toddler throwing a tantrum.

Sendo · 13/01/2015 11:38

Could you go for the one week? We went on holiday in the first week of September the year DC1 started reception. Term started on Thursday so we missed 2 days of school. We weren't the only ones!

Micah · 13/01/2015 11:38

Many schools have a blanket policy on absence now. All absences for holidays etc are not authorised, even in reception.

They are being unreasonable.

Even if they can't fine an under 5, if you need to take him out in later years it will be a second offence and less likely to escape notice.

Aherdofmims · 13/01/2015 11:41

YANBU.

They are daft and don't realise 1. your child's needs and 2. that school don't let anyone take time off willy-nilly.

But agree with the above that maybe you could just check that that really is the start date for reception as some school start reception children a bit later.

MidniteScribbler · 13/01/2015 11:43

Stay firm on this. You've got many years ahead of you, and if you give in this time, then they will keep doing it again and again. Start as you mean to go. "No, DS is at school now and it is vital that he attends. We will not be going on holidays during term times, it is absolutely out of the question". Repeat as often as necessary over the years.

RiverTam · 13/01/2015 11:43

the reception children might be starting a week later so you could try to find out, but I reckon they'll have definitely started by the second week.

Settling in is really important, I think it would be very unfair to force him to start after all the other children, quite apart from his ASD and also the ethics of it.

You are not being U. Your parents are being vvvvvvvU. Did they have this kind of attitude to termtime holidays when you were growing up?

KateMosley · 13/01/2015 11:46

How odd to expect you to miss your child starting school Hmm

I'm sorry, but who in their right mind would miss the very first 2 weeks of starting school if they didnt need to?

lynniep · 13/01/2015 11:46

No No No don't give in on this one.

Sendo · 13/01/2015 11:46

Just looking at the term dates for Autumn for schools round here. They are starting back on a Thursday so if your school is the same, going for the first week will only mean missing the first 2 days of school. It would also be a compromise solution unless you don't actually want to go on holiday with your IL's.

louisejxxx · 13/01/2015 11:46

YADNBU....I would never have considered going on holiday in the first week of ds starting reception this year, even though he only did half days. It is a crucial time and even though they wouldn't have been doing any formal learning at that point, the settling in phase is so important.

ChippingInLatteLover · 13/01/2015 11:51

I would actually go and speak to the school. You might find that starting him two weeks later would actually be helpful. The other children will be more settled and it gives them a chance to get his support in place after dealing with 'start of year chaos'. It's worth asking.

ChippingInLatteLover · 13/01/2015 11:52

Your parents are being massively unreasonable 'telling' you, rather than asking what dates suit you, if they want you to go.

beachysandy75 · 13/01/2015 11:56

Nice to pay for a holiday but very unsupportive of them not to realise that starting school is a big deal for you and your son, especially with the added stress of worrying about how he will cope.

However, just check the actual start date for reception with the school as I'm sure the reception class started about 2-3 weeks after the rest of the school when my son started.

molyholy · 13/01/2015 11:59

YADNBU. I can't believe they expect your DC to miss the first 2 weeks of school! Even without his special needs, it is an unreasonable request.

Oldraver · 13/01/2015 12:24

I would stick to my guns on this especially as they have throw a hissy fit and are ignoring you. You just cant give in to this kind of behaviour.

Beachysand has a point about asking school as it may be better for him and them to start later, but I would only of done this had their attitude been different.

MaryWestmacott · 13/01/2015 12:37

Also, given his additional needs, would a holiday just before starting school really be the best, or just really disruptive just before starting a major life change like school?

When ds started school, yes, they went a week later than the others, but in that week he visited his classroom (and so did the walk to school), his teacher and TA came to our house (so weren't strangers), he had a nice calm lead in, then the first week was only short days, meaning he could start slowly.

Starting 2 weeks late means he'll miss all that, go straight into full days, no gentle start and a very unusual and "out of routine" week before. That would be a lot for a NT child who's one of the younger ones to cope with. Madness to make things so hard for him.

sherbetpips · 13/01/2015 12:45

For those saying her parents are being unreasonable about booking this date, they are not that is when they want to go on the holiday that they are paying for. They may not be able to afford peak time.

I am presuming you thanked them kindly for there offer but sadly would have to say no due to the start of school. If they still went in a huff then YANBU.

If however you complained about the dates and expected them to change then yes YABU.