To have not told him I loved him

[Fairydust7715]

Not really sure what to say, feeling completely and utterly numb.
Been a long time lurker but only posted once but have very few people in real life to talk to.
Long story short, have had a fwb thing with a great guy for close to two years now, it's been the best two years of my life, we had so much fun together and he was the only one who could put a smile on my face in an instant.
Got a call on Saturday from his best friend saying he had been killed in a car accident, I don't even know this person but he was in the marines and was in Afghanistan last year so had said he would give my number to him just in case he didn't make it back.
Feels like my whole world has collapsed, never going to see him again, never going to hear his voice. Apparently he left a letter for me before he was away last year but I told his best friend I wasn't sure i wanted to read it, I can't even think straight atm, all I want is him back and to tell him what I was always too scared to, that I was so in love with him.
Slight ramble but am sat on my own and feeling lonelier than ever.

I think you were both frightened of losing each other. What a shame.

I don't know if knowing that makes it easier or harder for you. In one way it's a comfort, in another it makes it that much harder to bear.

Have read the letter, was going to wait a while but it's been a constant thought on my mind today and made so many mistakes at work that I needed to do it.
My best friend came round to be with me whilst I read it, the one fear was this letter had been written in may last year before he went on tour so I still don't know how he felt just before he died but I know I will never know that now.
There was no all out declaration of love but I expected that but what he wrote, I now know that I meant something to him, it's funny in a way because although I knew him do well this is the first time I have seen his handwriting.
I'm going to share a part of the letter because it's one of the things that made me realise that I have lost the most amazing man I have ever met and however things seem, deep down we had something special.
He used to take the piss out of me because I love songs with real meanings to the words and emotionally I was a closed book.

" don't take this as me being soft but want you to remember that the day I met you was so far the best day of my life, know you don't want anything serious but you really do know the best of me, much as I make fun of your lousy music taste I know that the best thing I can do is leave you with a song that says it all, far too many to choose from but this one says it all - elton John - The way you look tonight"

Now I have to live with knowing that he died not knowing what he meant to me, I don't even want to go on without him anymore but I will for my kids.

That is beautiful.

I don't know what to say but your being so very strong

Hugs

Thank you, it's the only way to be I think, I usually shut down emotionally when things get tough, atm it's just getting through the day I am contending with, the what ifs are driving me mad but knowing that I meant something is helping, he will always have a part of my heart now.

I think it's very positive that you are "feeling" all of this, far better than being closed.

It also means you've got a healthy measuring stick for any future relationships x

Aww Fairy - I'm in tears again.
((Hugs))
I have been thinking of you

Aww Fairy - I'm in tears again.
((Hugs))
I have been thinking of you

That's lovely.

Write him a letter back. Perhaps you could bury it in the roots of a rose bush (or something) you could plant for him. Or scatter it in a place that has a special meaning to you both.

You both obviously meant a great deal to each other.

I don't believe in after life or anything like that I wish I did.
It's likely he will be buried down south where his parents live, his friend said I could go with him but still unsure, don't want to cause anymore grief for his parents or siblings but pretty sure I could slip in unnoticed, it's hard to think straight atm.
I just want him back, never lost someone so close, want just one more day to be with him.
Think I will write down everything I want to say to him and then who knows, don't quite believe I will never see his face again or feel his arms around me or receive random funny messages from him, he really was one of life's good guys.

Sweetheart fwiw I've written letters to loved ones to "go with them". You could get in touch with the funeral director, ask if they could give him a letter and get them to put it in beside him. No one has to know, it could be very private.

I'm sure that, if you do decide to go with his friend, that his parents and siblings would take great comfort from you being there. You have each lost someone that you love very much, and knowing that they were loved by others can help a great deal x

Sometimes things don't have to be said, you just know, and I think you both knew that you loved each other.

Please do go to his funeral, and please do talk to his family. They will realise you were more than a friend, maybe not on the day, but in the days to come, and I think you will have contact with them and be able to grieve with them.

Im so sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry for your loss op.

If he confided in his friend do you think he may have mentioned you to his family? I wouldn't be surprised if he'd said he was very fond of someone even if he didn't say you were actually in a relationship.

Please do go to his funeral if you feel you need to. Go with his friend, I am sure his parents will be comforted to know that there was a special someone in his life.

You don't have to do anything, speak to anyone, but should you feel the need to go you should do so. That is what funerals are for.

At a young persons funeral there are normally loads of people paying their respects. I'm sure you would be one of many that the family won't know. You don't even need to declare that you are anything other than a friend. Don't be worried that you will be too upset. I think there will be lots of upset people. At a younger persons funeral it is really hard whether you know them well or not.
Go to the service and not the wake if that is easier. Only If you want to go that is.

I know he talked to his sister about me, how much I don't know, she lives abroad and we had been talking about going over to see her in the summer.
His parents I'm not so sure about but would be surprised if he had as they didn't have the best of relations, they wanted him to follow in their footsteps in medicine and were disappointed he chose the career he did, if my son decided to join the forces I would be so proud of him.
Am undecided about the funeral but like notnaice mentioned I think it will be a big turn out so could easily blend in.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think you should go to the funeral, I think it generally helps to feel you said goodbye and you may regret it if you don't.

I've not been to loads, but when it's been a family member I haven't noticed anyone else there. I think most are focused on their own grief, or their close families grief - not noting who has attended. So please don't let that worry you.