To have not told him I loved him

[Fairydust7715]

Not really sure what to say, feeling completely and utterly numb.
Been a long time lurker but only posted once but have very few people in real life to talk to.
Long story short, have had a fwb thing with a great guy for close to two years now, it's been the best two years of my life, we had so much fun together and he was the only one who could put a smile on my face in an instant.
Got a call on Saturday from his best friend saying he had been killed in a car accident, I don't even know this person but he was in the marines and was in Afghanistan last year so had said he would give my number to him just in case he didn't make it back.
Feels like my whole world has collapsed, never going to see him again, never going to hear his voice. Apparently he left a letter for me before he was away last year but I told his best friend I wasn't sure i wanted to read it, I can't even think straight atm, all I want is him back and to tell him what I was always too scared to, that I was so in love with him.
Slight ramble but am sat on my own and feeling lonelier than ever.

I am so sorry op. I have been through similar. Keep the letter, it may bring comfort later on.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I didn't want to read and run. Sorry for your loss op. I hope the letter brings you some comfort, when you decide to read it.

I am so sorry for your loss. I believe he knew you loved him, and he loved you back

My kids are teens so know something is not right but don't know how or what to tell them.
My best friend came on Saturday and was great as she had met him a few times but right now I just don't want to see or hear from anyone, want to shut down.
He was this big tough marine but he was a total softy at heart, we used to spend hours in bed just talking about rubbish, there wasn't a bad bone in his body.
I don't think I will be able to go to the funeral, only his sister knew about me and some of his friends, I will maybe find out when and where and go and see him once it's all over.
Feel like I am having my own pity party and breathing is a struggle, wish I believed in god so at least I could maybe make some sense of what's happening, once again thank you all for the support, seem to find it easier to tell all to strangers.

Everything is very raw for you right now, telling your kids that a dear friend has died will give you freedom to openly grieve.
I would also not make a decision about the funeral yet, it may bring you comfort. Why not wait until you've seen his friend?
I am so sorry Fairy. Can't imagine what you must be feeling.
You have every right to grieve xx

I'm so sorry for your loss.

So sorry Op- Simply sending hugs xxx

I am so so sorry for your loss.

My first boyfriend died in an accident so I understand a little of the total shock.

I have been thinking of you today Fairy x

So sorry for you. Whether you shared 'romance' or not, you shared yourselves by the sound of your precious conversations together. Do reach out to those who will share with you the loss of someone who was, it sounds, adored by you.
FWB are friends and that is bloody important too, don't try to make yourself think you should have done x/y/z.

So so sorry for your sad loss. You obviously much more to him than fwb to leave you a letter and to leave your number with his friend. Just cos something isn't said out loud doesn't make it any less real xx

It might not have been a serious relationship on the face of it, but the fact that you spent so much time together and shared so much, makes it appear a much more bf/gf relationship. It just hadn't been verbalised. Actions speak louder than words. It seems as if the relationship was important to both of you.

Talk to the friend. He may have been party to what your guy really felt about you. The letter may tell you too. Decide about the funeral when you've taken both things into consideration.

I am so so sorry for you loss.

Once again thank you all for your thoughts.
Trying not to think of the if onlys, dreading meeting his friend tomorrow tbh, feel sick, it's like it will all be real tomorrow.
I did tell my kids that a close friend had died as some of you suggested, my darling son said to me, mum just tell me when you need a cuddle and wherever I am I will come and give you one.
The stupid thing is that he was everything that I wanted but because he was 12 years younger I assumed it was best to just keep it commitment free, I know what we had was something special, I guess at least I have so many happy memories of him.

So sorry for your loss Fairy, I've been thinking about you all day since reading your post this morning. It sounds like he was far more invested in the relationship than as just a FWB type thing. Hugs

Thinking of you

Morning Fairy, your son sounds lovely.
I hope it goes as well as it can with his mate today. I am sure talking about him will help you both.
I will be thinking of you

Thinking of you today and so so sorry for your loss

I hope you get some closure today.He obviously thought alot of you to leave a letter.And what lovely kids you have.Cherish any memories,cause im sure you meant an awful lot to him too.

Thinking of you today

So sorry op. What an awful thing to happen. I'm sure he knew you loved him.

Not long got home after meeting his friend, was so emotional and upsetting but I'm glad I have done it.
He grew up with him and the poor guy is so upset, not sure who was comforting who but was good to talk to someone who knew him so well.
I have the letter but is still unopened, desperately want to read it but in another way I am too scared, it's the last thing I have of him.
He was talking about a conversation he had with him a few months ago, they were taking the piss out of him because he had been single for so long, turns out he told his best friend that he had no interest in anyone else because it would mean having to give me up and he wasn't willing to do that, said he would rather be with me a couple of times a month than have a permanent relationship.
I feel so angry that neither of us were willing to tell the truth on how we felt, if I could just have 10 minutes with him again I would make sure he knew that he meant the world to me, my stupid fear of him not feeling the same way has ruined everything.

Oh Fairy (((hugs)))
I am so pleased that you spoke to his mate & have the letter. Read it in your own time.
I am trying to think what to say to help you. You can still tell him everything you want to say, maybe go to somewhere special to you both & say it loud? To him.
Sorry if this is a shit idea. Can't imagine what you are going through x

It seems possible to me that you never made the commitment of telling him you love him out of subliminal fear of losing him in this way. Go easy on yourself. You gave yourself to him and he'd have known that beyond mere words.