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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to still be annoyed at money related things with my DM and df into my 30s

37 replies

amispoilt · 12/01/2015 21:00

I know iab a bit u but when I was doing my GCSEs df offered me money for grades, said to keep it quiet as he didn't do the same for my older sister. I did very well, over 2k but then he claimed to not remember this conversation so I never got it. This has never sat with me well.

Also for sister they gave her money while she was at uni, she didn't have to work and could afford holidays in the us while a student. Then when it came to me they had less so fair enough I got nothing and had to work in a call centre throughout uni. But now they claim to have helped us both equally. This also doesn't sit with me well.

I know I'm being a bit vulgar, but aibu to feel hard done by?

OP posts:
MaybeDoctor · 12/01/2015 21:24

  1. He was unwise to offer the GCSE money, as that would have been really unfair to your older sister. Chalk it up to experience.

  2. Not fair to you, but it sounds like poor financial planning. Also, circumstances might have changed in the intervening years. Try to let it go.

If you really feel the need, irritate them by developing your own instances of selective memory. Grin

IfYouWereARiverIdLearnToFloat · 12/01/2015 21:37

Your dad shouldn't have offered such an excessive amount of £ for grades esp if he couldn't follow this up that was just silly.

I'm one of three - I'm oldest and worked almost full time through uni to come out with almost no debt, paid digs & saved deposit for a flat.

Meanwhile my sister disappeared to Oz on holiday & DM & DF had to sub her £2K - my brother is currently being subsidised by DM & DF to pay his mortgage.

I don't want to be helped equally if that means abusing my DM & DF financially. I'd let it go and be proud of how much you did on your own.

notauniquename · 12/01/2015 21:41

I'd just keep quiet about it.
When I was at university I worked all the way through.
it hasn't stopped DF from rewriting history and telling me how much he and DM helped me.
(of course they did help where they could, but that was them still cooking for me as if I was at home and then sending frozen meals in takeaway containers!)
Essentially, their help saved me a few pounds of a shopping bill (and I was grateful) but they way he (DF) tells it you'd think that they'd re-mortgaged their house to pay for my education.
I don't say anything because aside from that being rude, they helped as much as they could.

Do you really feel that she got holidays paid for and you really got nothing?

BarbarianMum · 12/01/2015 21:42

I would be cross if my parents claimed to have treated us all equally if that wasn't true. If they couldn't, then fair enough but at least they could be honest about it.

Trills · 12/01/2015 21:45

If you think about this often, you need to get over it and move on.

If you only think about it when they say "we treated you equally", can you have a stock phrase of "that's not true, but it's all in the past, lets' not get into it now but please stop saying it" (or ideally a shorter snappier versio) that you repeat until they stop bringing it up?

IfYouWereARiverIdLearnToFloat · 12/01/2015 21:51

To be clear I don't grudge the help my brother & sister get - I try & help them out when I can too. I just count myself fortunate that I can support myself. My DM does treat me occasionally, I'm not Cinderella and I appreciate it but that's not what I rely on them for

RoastitBubblyJocks · 12/01/2015 21:52

Haha, this is funny. My dad did the same to me! Promised me GCSE money then when I did a lot better than he expected told me to do one lol.

My brother was bought a flat at uni that he made a massive profit on, 10 years later my parents couldn'tdo the same for me, but its fine. I honestly couldn't care less. We should make our own way in life, it's more satisfying and rewarding.

Perhaps annoying if they constantly harp on about how equal it was, but maybe they treated you both "as well as they could at the time" and that's what they many by equal?

Let it go, it will only make you bitter, and sound bitter.

Original poster
amispoilt · 12/01/2015 22:04

Nah its not something that I think about often once or twice a year. Its more a trust issue, its come up as my dad bought my sister something a couple of years ago, he's told me do go any buy one for myself. I kinda want one, but only if its free. If he turns around and says no I will be annoyed that I've spent 800 quid on a blender. I'm sure he wont not pay as he promised to again, partly as the GCSEs was written on paper that of course got lost in the mountains during exams, but still he might go back on his word again.

OP posts:
Trills · 12/01/2015 22:15

Can you buy it but keep the receipt until he pays up?

I agree that it's upsetting even to have to think that way, but better to be upset AND have a nice blender than to be upset and NOT have one :)

LadyLuck10 · 12/01/2015 22:20

Sorry but you are a 30 something old woman, time to stop asking your parents for stuff and get your own.

Original poster
amispoilt · 12/01/2015 22:21

Oh I'm sure he will deliver on his promise, I have it in writing. Its just depressing I feel the need to do so

A few years ago after my kitchen from the 60s fell to bits and was left without any water, they offered to pay for a new sink to be fitted one week. The next the offer disappeared. Its not like I expect them to help until they actually say they will then they go back on their promises.

OP posts:
Original poster
amispoilt · 12/01/2015 22:22

I don't ask them for stuff, they offer and don't deliver.

OP posts:
LadyLuck10 · 12/01/2015 22:24

So you know they have form for it, why do you keep going back for more. Stop accepting their offers then you won't be disappointed.

WeAllHaveWings · 12/01/2015 22:26

Yep I got promised the money too, but I guess the motivation to work hard and the results obtained were more valuable than the money so I don't bear a grudge now. as an adult i get why he did it. , he did it to encourage me to do well, he obviously thought young immature me would be more motivated by money. The money is actually irrelevant he did it for me.

youareallbonkers · 12/01/2015 22:43

You dont want something enough to buy it yourself, only if it's free? Stop being a money grabber

ilovesooty · 12/01/2015 23:01

Blender for 800 pounds? Shock

woodychip · 12/01/2015 23:05

If they offer, say no thanks. Problem solved. You shouldn't be taking money from your parents as a grown woman.

WineWineWine · 12/01/2015 23:16

I think you need to get over this and move on. Buy your own things with your own money. You should have worked hard for your GCSEs because you wanted good grades, not because you were promised money. Your grades should have been your reward.

Romeorodriguez · 12/01/2015 23:25

My parents always favoured my younger brother. My mum always tries to justify it but I am not interested, she also has selective memories and i just glaze over and go mmmhmmm, she knows I am not interested in her excuses now. I am proud of standing on my own two feet and making better decisions than my brother. I would hate to rely on someone as he does, it does sometimes sting though and I would never treat my children so differently.

Original poster
amispoilt · 13/01/2015 06:35

I'm not really taking money, just accepting offers of gifts / help. Yes I know I should have learnt my lesson and ignore them, but as it happens infrequently its easy to forget.

OP posts:
LaLyra · 13/01/2015 07:13

I wouldn't. If they offer to buy you something because they've bought your sibling something and you are happy to accept it just say thank you and ask them to let you know when it'll be delivered. Don't put yourself out of pocket and don't expect it or rely on it, that way if they do something nice for you it's a bonus, if they don't you've lost nothing.

Original poster
amispoilt · 13/01/2015 09:38

Thanks, yeah I'm not going to buy it. I'd just rather they didn't make promises that they weren't going to keep. Really tempted to tell them this.

OP posts:
MadisonMontgomery · 13/01/2015 09:47

I feel your pain OP - my family have form for this type of thing. My dad tells anyone who will listen how he has helped me out financially, by which he means offering to help then conveniently forgetting. After a car accident my grandfather offered to top up the insurance settlement if necessary, however it wasn't. Didn't stop him telling everyone he'd bought me a car, and leaving me less in his will because of it!

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 13/01/2015 09:50

Would you do an unbelieving 'mmmmhmmmm, yeah' as response? And if asked why, let your DF know he hasn't a good track record for keeping such promises.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 13/01/2015 09:51

But won't leave it bother you. See it as a failing with your DF/DM rather than anything personal.