to still be annoyed at money related things with my DM and df into my 30s

[amispoilt]

I know iab a bit u but when I was doing my GCSEs df offered me money for grades, said to keep it quiet as he didn't do the same for my older sister. I did very well, over 2k but then he claimed to not remember this conversation so I never got it. This has never sat with me well.

Also for sister they gave her money while she was at uni, she didn't have to work and could afford holidays in the us while a student. Then when it came to me they had less so fair enough I got nothing and had to work in a call centre throughout uni. But now they claim to have helped us both equally. This also doesn't sit with me well.

I know I'm being a bit vulgar, but aibu to feel hard done by?

I think you should let it go. Most parents try to be fair. you cannot make sure down to every last penny there is equality although I do believe strongly that all children should inherit exactly equally whatever their circumstances on parents' deaths.

One of my daughters was funded at law school by me and her sister wasn't as she had a law firm which paid her. In a sense that is unequal but in my view on the basis my undertaking has always been to pay for their education as my parents paid for mine that is fair enough. Yes one cost me more than the other but I would have done the same for the first if she had not found sponsorship at university.

Also sometimes it just depends on life stage. My older children had everything second hand in terms of clothes when they were under 10. The older children not because by that stage we had more money and less time to trail round the charity shops. I don't regard that as a massive difference that would require me now to compensate the older ones.

Thanks fairy you really are right.

Parents have said they will adjust the will as sister has had two house deposits off them and I haven't had anything. No idea how they can make that fair in the will, as the money was worth a lot more when they gave it to sister years ago..

The problem with saying "no thanks" is often it's then thrown about "of course we would have helped you/paid for x for you too, but you didn't want it." - they get to keep the pretence of being "equal" without doing any such thing.

As the less favoured child, it is hard, particularly when everyone in the family are buying into this "equal" myth, if others acknowledge it, it's a lot less hurtful.

I would pull them up on it when they say they treated you the same. It's not ok to expect you to go along with their little "we aren't unfair really" game, if they want to chose to treat their dcs differently, why should you shield them from feeling embarrassed by their own behaviour?

(Re the blender, I'd say "if you want to get me one, I'd love it. Don't feel you have to, I'll leave it with you" any comment of "oh you get it and we'll give you the money", just say "oh, I'd rather not do it that way, I'll leave it with you." Agree, don't get in a situation where you are out of pocket for one of their promises).

Try

"Dad, I am not falling for that again!" and see how that pans out!

My loaded DGM did something similar, she offered me money if I could look her in the eye on my 18th birthday and tell her that I had never smoked or tried drugs. She kept mentioning it until my birthday when she forgot and I took up smoking soon after it did make me feel resentful at the time as I took it very seriously. I don't really think about it any more.

I think the preferential treatment of your sister would annoy me much more. I worked through uni but if my sister's were supported by my parents I would be pretty pissed off.

That's exactly it Mary! Its a myth. I don't know why it bugs me so much, should just let it go but next time they try to of treated us equally I will pick them up on it.

Glad its not just me who has the exact same issues with forgetting promises. That's awful re dgm and smoking, was she lieing?

With my dad I'm not sure if he forgot, is lieing or didn't have the money at the time so lied. Only the first one is acceptable.

I get you OP! Add in parents divorcing and everyone has their own version of just how generous they were. Except they weren't always - there's no telling them though. If it ever comes up, I just make a point of saying that I'd never want my children to be in that position. There's not much can be said to that.

it bugs you because while you can accept that they did treat you differently, it's hard that as well as accepting that you have to also join in covering it up, both to themselves and others. You have to make them feel better about it, when really, you are the 'wronged party' so if anyone was making anyone feel better about it, it should be you being made to feel better. (hope that makes sense!)

The two issues are rather different, even if linked, the unequal treatment and then the having to make your parents feel good about their choices. so it's ok to have come to terms/accepted the first, but find it hard to do the second.

My parents do this and it still bothers me aged 42 :)

I would guess that your sis is a little bit better at parental money manipulation than you are. Your parents probably think that they do treat you equally or at least believ that they try to. I would pull them up on it if it bothers you. But for your own sanity its probably better not to keep a book of accounts for future reference

I think it's a bit ridiculous to still be bothered by some money your dad promised you for your GCSE results! Also wanting more money in the will because they helped your sister with deposits, not only wanting more money but you want them to calculate the value in today's money and give you that amount. If your sister needed help she needed help. Just be proud you are able to stand on your own two feet.

YANBU - I would find it very frustrating to listen to tales of how fair they had been and how much they helped you out when they weren't and didn't!

I needed to work throughout uni and received no financial help from my parents at all and none since - I have no resentment though because there were no siblings to get a better deal and there has been no tales of how they helped out when they didn't.

MIL/FIL always wax lyrical about how fair they have been to DH and SIL. I think they really believe it too - probably because they do things like pop and extra £5 note in DH's birthday card if they spent that much more of SIL (they are both in their late forties and both have high incomes). In reality they treat them very differently - especially when the grandchildren were little. It was very hard listening to them congratulating themselves when our take on it was very, very different!

We've been saving for our DS since they were first born - we appreciate that we could buy our first houses in our early twenties with no help and things will be very different for our DC. Discussing this with MIL/FIL they piped up that they did the same for DH/SIL (they didn't). On further probing they meant that DH and SIL had inherited a small sum from their grandparents and they let them keep it .

YANBU.. I can see why it rankles.. I have experience of parents who maintain that they treated / treat all siblings equally.. and they bloody don't!

Annoying isn't it.. causes a few hairs on the back of my neck to go up at times, but tbh, it's not worth the fall out that would occur if I pulled them up on it so I don't.

Grin and bear it and scrunch a pillow is my advice!