Hurt by friends indirect criticisms of me and my son

[BendingBentBroke]

I have a DS aged 4 who is wonderful, loving, affectionate, intelligent little chap - however he doesn't deal with change well and is also quite sensitive. When he is feeling anxious, tired or unwell (even a growth spurt) he can be a handful. His anxiety or un-settlement comes out in hyped up behaviours, anger and aggression. I have followed attachment/ gentle parenting type styles with him and worked hard at helping him to manage this but sometimes it is tough, he starts school in September and I am worried about this and helping in this transition. I spoke to my closet friends about it who both have children of the same age, they were supportive but neither really had anything to add which was fine. However the conversation then moved on to another friend with a 'difficult' child who they described as worse than my son but listed all the behaviours that I raised with them as my concerns about my DS. This conversation then went onto suggest that they weren't sure if they wanted their children playing with this other child due to the bad influence and a suggestion it was down to the parents and their style/flaws of parenting. I couldn't help but take this rather personally and think is this what they think of me and my son. I stayed quiet at the time. I want to talk to them directly about it but feel rather hurt. We have a wonderful relationship but I suddenly feel I can't trust their opinions and true feelings now and maybe this is really what they do think of me and DS. They are kind lovely ladies, so it may just be me! Any advice?

*closest friends not closet friends!!

I stayed quiet at the time. I want to talk to them directly about it but feel rather hurt.

You have to say something, or they will keep talking this way in front of you. If they were oblivious enough to say those things, they definitely won't have picked up on how you feel.

They may well think that - but I think what's key is the way that you deal with him versus the Mum of the other child. Are you consistent in your parenting? Do you deal with the anger and aggression swiftly as soon as it happens, do you put appropriate consequences in place and follow through on them - as opposed to a "please don't do that, it makes Mummy sad" type thing? If the answer is yes, then they will probably recognise that he has some behavioural issues but that you are addressing them and you will continue to do so - and as such will continue to value your friendship and support you

When he is feeling anxious, tired or unwell (even a growth spurt) he can be a handful

Those things must happen quite a lot, especially the tiredness. Not sure I'd want my 4 year old around another toddler who expresses themselves with "anger and aggression" on all these occasions.

Maybe they are trying to let you know indirectly that they don't approve of your son's behaviour.

I'd talk to them about it see how they respond. Tell them that you want them to be honest with you - but be prepared for them to do just that which could prove upsetting.

Who is he being aggressive to?

If he's hurting other children and you're not responding to it firmly or effectively, then there's a distinct possibility that A) They do think the same about you, and B) That they actually have a point.

I may have got this all wrong but you sound suspiciously like a "Please stop hitting Granny with the cricket bat Tarquin" type- and no one wants to do play dates with them.

If he's being aggressive with their children they have every right to expect you to manage that.

Sometimes it is very difficult to have friendships with people with seemingly quite small differences in parenting. I have issues with a friend who believes 'children don't have to share their precious things' and I believe 'if it's out, everyone gets a turn or it goes away'. Quite a small difference but makes us both rageful!

Are they having to protect their children from our child?

The problem is I am dealing with them in the best way I know. However they are much more gentle parenting style than even I am and so don't agree with time out etc, I don't like using it but I have little else to fall back on. Plus ds likes structure and clarity, so saying this will happen if you 'x' helps him decide I've read some books about anger management and anxiety, I've taught him to count to count to ten when wound up, which has been really effective and he has 'quiet time' if over hyped. We have clear things both DH and I do t deal with it effectively and e is ten times better than 6 months ago. He doesn't (never really has) hit other children but will throw things or break things in a temper. I've also explored other thoughts about him being on the ASD spectrum, but I've had a professional friend help me with this and she feels it is more to do with unsettlement and anxiety, hence my worries about school coming up. I don't normally talk to many people about it and these two are my confidants so feel worried by their reactions now. PS I do realise that my con probably picks u anxiety from me, I have done everything in my power to keep it under wraps.

How do you deal with your little darling being aggressive towards other kids? Gentleness isn't working, you need to be firm with him. If you're not prepared to parent in a way that works, then naturally he will be the type of child that other children will fear/dislike and other parents want as far away as possible from theirs. Parents don't like seeing their children hurt or bullied while their oblivious parents do nothing. Parent your kid.

Sorry please excuse spellings - damn tab and small keys.

What everyone above said.

Of course you are uniquely qualified to understand the underlying reasons for your child's upset, but if the upshot is that other children are getting hurt, it can be frustrating for their parents if your understanding is not linked with firm and consistent boundaries.

I think your friends are trying to tell you (kindly) that they don't feel your 'attachment/gentle parenting style' is really working.

Yes, it might be tough to hear that but your child needs to learn before he gets to school that his behaviour is not acceptable.

A parent's opinion of their child 'being a bit of a handful' might really mean that he is an aggressive, angry child who is not very nice to be around with other children/ .

I think they are trying to (gently) flag up issues with your son.

X post with others.

Thats a bit harsh vivienne, as I said he has never hurt another child or one of theirs. I don't think they have ever even witnessed him feeling anxious - this mainly happens at home, in the evening, or if he wakes up in the night. I deal with it directly and would never accept that level of behaviour from him towards others. Sorry if that sounds like I am defending my 'little darling' but I feel your comments are unfair. He is great freinds with their children and they play wonderfully. My concern comes from them now not wanting to as I have shared my worries.

They could well have planned the conversation as a gentle way of letting you know that they are reaching the end of their tether with your ds bashing their dcs and that you doing nothing effective about it.

What exactly do you mean by 'gentle' parenting because it can mean a lot of different things to different people. If your ds hits one of their ds's over the head with a toy (for example) do you gently say 'Now now ds, shall we all be kind to Freddie and all share the toy?' or do you 'gently' pick up ds and remove him from the situation and then gently not let him return to play until he has apologised and is calm?

Ragwort I think it is the opposite - they are much more 'gentle/attachment style' than I am - but I get the gist of what you and others are saying. Thanks

Sorry. X post. Your ds isn't hurting theirs so what is the behaviour that is 'difficult'?

Please read my comment above - sorry should have put that detail in the first post!! He doesn't hit other kids!!

I think they are gently trying to tell you that your softly softly approach isn't working and he needs strict boundaries in place.

It's you they are talking about
I think!

Books are fine but it's easy to cherry pick the bits you like.

Maybe look into a parenting course.

Sorry X post

i see your son does not hurt other children

My oldest was a very volatile toddler and this went on until he was at least 6. He was sensitive, a fussy eater, would have meltdowns which led me to wonder of he was on the Autistic spectrum. He found primary school a bit difficult

Now at 14 he is empathic, thoughtful, self controlled, sociable and happy, although basically introverted

I think lots pf people would describe their first child like you and I have described ours. I think it is a first child thing. So much time to be attuned to their every emotional reaction, and worry about it.

Haffdonga they've not really witnessed it but it is like he struggles to cope with all his feelings and has a melt down, he'll throw toys or break his favourite toys then be deeply upset by it. He looks aggressive when doing it then is just sad, he loves friends and when occupied we don't this behaviour at all. I brought it up with them as he has recently moved nursery and I was worried as e had had three melt downs in three days (only at home) and I was trying to talk about school transitions and best way to prepare him.

OPs child does not hit other children!