Hurt by friends indirect criticisms of me and my son

[BendingBentBroke]

I have a DS aged 4 who is wonderful, loving, affectionate, intelligent little chap - however he doesn't deal with change well and is also quite sensitive. When he is feeling anxious, tired or unwell (even a growth spurt) he can be a handful. His anxiety or un-settlement comes out in hyped up behaviours, anger and aggression. I have followed attachment/ gentle parenting type styles with him and worked hard at helping him to manage this but sometimes it is tough, he starts school in September and I am worried about this and helping in this transition. I spoke to my closet friends about it who both have children of the same age, they were supportive but neither really had anything to add which was fine. However the conversation then moved on to another friend with a 'difficult' child who they described as worse than my son but listed all the behaviours that I raised with them as my concerns about my DS. This conversation then went onto suggest that they weren't sure if they wanted their children playing with this other child due to the bad influence and a suggestion it was down to the parents and their style/flaws of parenting. I couldn't help but take this rather personally and think is this what they think of me and my son. I stayed quiet at the time. I want to talk to them directly about it but feel rather hurt. We have a wonderful relationship but I suddenly feel I can't trust their opinions and true feelings now and maybe this is really what they do think of me and DS. They are kind lovely ladies, so it may just be me! Any advice?

The criticism of the parenting style brought up was the use of 'time out' and strict boundaries. I'm so sorry I've been confusing in this - not meant to muddle and don't often post. In short I feel they are critical of my attempts to put in firmer boundaries and this is what makes DS react like he does - i.e. using time out.

Thank you yarp - that is reassuring to hear, and I do also woner if I over think things and worry too much. I do suspect my son is more introvert than extrovert. Even as a baby he'd only smile for myself and DH for about the first year. He is very shy in crowds and takes about 20mins to speak to someone he doesn't know, but once he does get to know he'll chatter away and is lovely.

Please try not to worry too much Op. It sounds, to me, like you are a very caring, concerned and diligent parent. Children are individuals and some children take longer to learn how to cope with their anxieties, that is all. It doesn't sound to me like you can do more than you are at the moment.

Regarding school transition this will be managed. Most schools like to gather as much information as they can before children start school so you can discuss your concerns then. In the meantime I would try to concentrate on the positives, it will make you feel better yourself and hopefully help reassure your ds.

Actually if you raised the problems your son has and invited their advice/ comments but they didn't have anything to say then it doesn't sound like they have a problem with him. Otherwise they'd have used the opportunity to make suggestions or voice their concerns. From what you say in following posts it may be that they haven't really seen your son's worst behaviour, after all at that age the occasional temper tantrum is completely normal & no reflection on anyone's parenting.

Also, from what I've heard most kids hold it together while they are at school but then melt down from stress & tiredness as soon as they get home. So while you'll still have that to deal with, hopefully he'll be ok whilst actually at school, which I suspect is what you are more worried about.

It sounds like you are developing a different parenting style from your friends. I would either ask them for honest opinions about your DS's behaviour or don't bother raising your concerns at all if you think they'll be judgemental. Some.AP types are the most judgemental off all! You might need a thick skin for honest opinions!

He sounds a bit like my DS who is 7 now, like Yarp I thought he might be on the autistic spectrum. Out of interest Yarp when did your DS grow out of his meltdowns? Mine hadn't yet - do you have any tips to help him cope? Sorry for the hijak OP.

Most schools are really supportive with transition and will arrange more settling in days and home visits etc if it would help.

I'm lost. Why do you see being firm as not being gentle?

OP I did read your first post and think "query ASD" (I wouldn't have mentioned it if you hadn't, though). If you haven't totally discarded that as an idea, then maybe read up about it and see if you think things fit. You could also try some ASD behaviour management techniques and see if they help - they certainly won't hurt and aren't punishment based, more about supporting your child to cope.

After the immediate new-baby stage I found that it was actually better to not talk in too much depth about parenting with friends whose parenting style was different from my own.

I think that you may find it more productive to talk to your son's nursery key person, as he/she will be able to give a better insight into how he fares in a group setting.

I agree greywackejones, to me its about a firm and kind approach.
Barbarianmum, thank you I think the strategies may be he. I haven't discarded it to be honest, its somethibg I still consider.

*helpful not he!

It is also possible that they don't consider you to have a big problem and so we're discussing the other family without even considering that you could be offended.

OP my dd is the same. She is three and has shown signs of this behaviour since infancy. I did some reading at the time and she fit the Dr Sears description of a high needs baby PERFECTLY. Now that she is older I have the same problem with her as you seem to be having with your son. My dd would NEVER hit another child but she will be aggressive with me because she knows I am her source of comfort and the person she can vent to. Apparently many toddlers vent to their parents and close relatives because of the security they feel when it comes to those people being part of their 'safe space'. She will also throw toys and break them during a meltdown only to become even more distressed that she has done it. She also has the same triggers as your DS. We recently moved home and it has been very intense. She has been at nursery today and was as good as gold. As soon as I picked her up and we were walking home, she started to feel tired and overwhelmed and it was all downhill from there. She has never once had a tantrum like she does with me at nursery. She has never been aggressive to another child and is actually considered exceptionally well mannered and polite with other children (I have been told by numerous nursery workers). She doesn't have any signs of ASD, ADHD or any other spectrum disorder, I checked, checked and checked again. What she does seem to be is a Highly Sensitive Child. I new she fit the Dr Sears description but after having read more and more about 'highly sensitive people', I am certain that my dd fits into this category. It might be worth looking into for you.

I don't get this at all now.

If they haven't seen your son behave like this then clearly they are not talking about him/you

The way you worded your OP made it sound like they have been witness to frequent tantrums where he displays aggression.

wanders back out in confusion

If he behaves perfectly fine in public and around others, then I do not understand why you are so concerned about your what your friends have said. Your DS only behaves like you described at home and I assume they flagged the behaviour of the other child because he behaves badly in public and possibly hurts other kids.

It seems to me that your son's situation and that of the other child is different. Moreover, your response to your son's behaviour seema different to the approach taken by the other parent. So in my view your being unreasonable.

My son was like this. Several asd discussions with several teachers who thought he might have traits but nothing ever came of it. We had problems settling him into school due to his meltdown like tantrums and I also had snarky comments from other parents which hurt even though I smiled through it. My youngest is incredibly "easy" and has sailed through nursery / reception without any problems which has helped me not to doubt my parenting too much.

Ds1 got so much better as he got older and as previously suspected is very bright and now doing extremely well at school aged 7. They all develop differently and some children just need different strategies. Your child isn't like theirs and that's ok. If he's like mine he will find his way. I'd leave them to it tbh.

Toasted.

I think the was over by about 7, but he did continue after that point. But he was bullied in year 3, unbeknownst to me until later, so his later anger was undoubtedly about that.

What helped was for me to stay calm and to try not to worry. Easy to say, harder to do!

I also recall reading The Highly Sensitive Child, which helped me understand and accept his quirks.

.. The worst was over by 7

I've just started reading "how yo talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk" after it was recommended by another Mumsnetter last week. There is a free first chapter on Amazon if you want to see if it's for you.

From how you have described your DS, my gut feel is that he sounds frustrated - but is clearly not taking it out on other children.

At the end of the day I would try not to take backchat about another parents supposed parenting on board too much

Good luck. I hope it goes well for you.

If they haven't witnessed his behaviour they may not associate that type of behaviour with your ds and realise how extreme it can be so probably weren't trying to have a dig. They are probably talking about behaviour they witness.

In your post about your ds being an introvert you could have been describing my ds1 now 8. He was incredibly anxious and incredibly shy. Butter wouldn't melt in school or in front of other people. He often wouldn't talk to new people for a while. He was like this from babyhood. When he learnt to walk and me and his dad clapped as you do he would hide his face. He once ran away from his own birthday cake.
I can't say I ever found a magical solution. I did discover that letting him yell and shout and occasionally throw things while steadfastly ignoring him until the anger subsided helped a lot. Once he'd calmed down I'd ask him if he'd had a bad day. As he has gotten older he is better able to articulate what is bothering him which has helped immensely. Having great teachers that have all got him mostly has also helped.
I also firmly and gently (it is possible) pushes him out his comfort zone from time to time. He was nervous of parties for example. But I explained he was going because I was taking dd. I would stay with him but he was going. I encouraged him to remember to thank people when they have him things. It took a long time for him to do it to strangers but reiterated that it was the right thing to do. I also had him investigated for asd but there was nothing found. He is just a shy anxious boy by nature.
aorry this is getting ridiculously long. But just to say mixing the firm with the gentle at 8 he is almost a totally different boy.
If you want to talk feel free to pm me.

3 meltdowns in 3 days?!

Pfft! That's nothing!

Your OP is worded in a really confusing manner. You talk about his behaviour that you find unsettling, but I gather that this is behaviour that he displays more AT HOME than necessarily out with other people.

If he is having the melt downs when you've picked him up from nursery, it's completely understandable, and actually really, really common. He will melt down in front of you, because you are a safe person to do that around.

Also, the behaviours might have had the same words used to describe them, but can present and be dealt with quite differently.

My DS has monumental strops, such loud screaming tantrums that they can be heard blocks away (we know that for a fact, we've had people mention them!). But I will NEVER leave him in someone else's presence if he kicks up like that when we are out. I will take him home instantly, no second chances. So I could describe that behaviour to someone - the melt downs, the screaming tantrums, etc, and they could then turn around and describe another child's behaviour, but that child may have parents who negotiate with him, try to talk him down, try to distract him out of a tantrum, or just give in constantly for an easier life. So same behaviour, but very different outcomes for those who are impacted by it.

my experience is never discuss your worries about your child with other parents with children of the same age unless you really know and trust them. Sadly too many parents, if they sense a child may have difficulties, no matter what they are, pull away for fear it may rub off on their precious little ones. Ridiculous! All our chidlren go through phases of having difficult spells whether as small chidlren, toddlers or teens. I discussed being worried that one of my sons had difficulty making friends; cue a very good friend of mine withdrawing her son almost staright away! To me it sounds like youre doing everything you can. Dont worry about school,its a long way off. work with nursery nearer the time. You may find he's totally changed by then. A lot of growth and change can happen in a four year old in 8 months

If they've not witnessed this behaviour and have even gentler styles than you then where do you get the idea they were getting at you? Seems like it's coming for your own insecurity not anything they've intended.

Thanks Yarp, I'll look up that book, he is indeed 'highly sensitive'! I try not to worry too much, mainly I would like him to cope with his emotions a bit better.