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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my dad's being bloody foolish and advise him to grow up a bit?

51 replies

OrangesJuicyOranges · 12/01/2015 20:27

My dad is in the process of getting divorced from my mum. He's nearly seventy. Mum is bleeding him dry and has managed to get a solicitor who is taking more than half their joint assets despite her never having worked a day in her life.

Anyway, he's met someone new since mum left him. He's really fallen for her and wants her to move in as soon as mum is out. Mum doesn't know about this other woman for what's it's worth, she has a new chap too. He told me today he plans to marry the new woman.

I'm really worried about him moving in with a woman he's known for less than six months and potentially losing a load more money further down the line if they get married and it doesn't work out. He no longer works so has no earning potential and mum is taking half his pension as well as everything else.

I suggested he see a solicitor to protect his money before rushing into financial commitments to his new woman. She has no money and was declared bankrupt several years ago. She currently lives off handouts from her brother. I haven't met her, I'm sure she's lovely but I'm concerned about my dad being daft.

He doesn't want to see a solicitor be used it's 'not romantic' and says he doesn't want to raise the conversations about money with her because it 'would be awkward.'

Is there any kind of online guide or book I could get him which would set out his rights, and hers, if they got married/ moved in together and might suggest a sensible way of him protecting his assets should it all go tits up? I'm not worried about her being left all his money in his will as he will be dead and won't need it - I'm worried about him being left in his seventies/eighties with barely any money.

OP posts:
wheresthelight · 12/01/2015 20:50

unfortunately he is a grown man so there really isn't a lot you can do.

I appreciate it must be frustrating though! Is there a friend or family member you could talk to who he might listen to?

Original poster
OrangesJuicyOranges · 12/01/2015 20:53

I thought about that. The only person I can think of is my brother in law. We don't really have an extended family to speak of and he's not told any of his friends he's seeing someone new as he feels it would be unfair to mum who doesn't know yet. I was open mouthed at some of the naive things he was saying. Thank god I didn't have to have to contraceptive conversation as well!

OP posts:
wheresthelight · 12/01/2015 21:04

ewwwww

wheresthelight · 12/01/2015 21:06

man to man might be better!

My nan is a sod for not listening to me over things because i don't have the right anatomy. i think it is a generation thing - at their ages they tend to only listen if a brain attached to a penis says it

notonyourninny · 12/01/2015 21:08

Im sure your mum did work and enable your df to work. Glad shes getting more than half.

sweethoneytruffle · 12/01/2015 21:18

My dad did this after my mum died - she was buried May 1. By June he'd moved in with somebody else Confused I just don't think they can help themselves.

TheChandler · 12/01/2015 21:19

Why are you sure the OP's mum did work notonyourninny?

Would his solicitor be able to talk some common sense into him? The bankruptcy is a red flag, as is the speed of the moving in.

NickiFury · 12/01/2015 21:21

Because SAHP are also working. In the home.

notonyourninny · 12/01/2015 21:24

Spot on nicki.Flowers

holidaysarenice · 12/01/2015 21:26

Now is not the time for a sahm parent working debate.

Honestly I would take him to see a solicitor to outline his rights. And quite frankly putting the numbers down on paper for him.

And I would get to know his new partner then you can truly ascertain what she is like.

NickiFury · 12/01/2015 21:31

I disagree. OP says her mother never worked a day in her life and her whole post is about her poor old Dad getting done over financially. It is quite appropriate to point out that it is not correct to say that her mother never worked and therefore shouldn't get much financially because that is what the whole OP is based on. The LAW recognises a mothers/wife's input into the marriage and acts accordingly.

APlaiceInTheSun · 12/01/2015 21:31

I think by the time they are in their 60s/70s the SAHP parent has a lot less to do... but I'm sure your DM has definitely contributed hugely to family life, it sounds like her solicitor is covering that off.

OP: Can you talk to your DF about his long term plans for the future (ie is he putting money aside now he has less than expected) rather than mentioning the new woman?

Original poster
OrangesJuicyOranges · 12/01/2015 22:21

He can't 'put money away' as he's no longer earning. Am I missing something?

And my mum didn't work, barely raised her children, and spent thousands of pounds of dads money getting a boon job, face lifts and other surgeries to impress the various men she was shagging behind my dads back.

I agree that the conversation might need to come from a man. My dad is pretty sexist in his views. I asked him to speak to his solicitor but he says he would feel that he was going behind new woman's back Hmm

OP posts:
PicaK · 12/01/2015 22:25

Your mum deserves half the pension - your dad's life will have been considerably easier for her being at home supporting him. They made that decision together. She's not bleeding him dry ffs.

TheChandler · 12/01/2015 22:30

I don't see how you can assume anything about anyone else's relationship - not every relationship is perfectly rosy. You never, ever know what goes on behind closed doors. If he won't listen OP, theres nothing you can do. Solicitors can perhaps force the issue slightly and insist on talking certain things through with him, tying it in with the settlement.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 12/01/2015 22:34

He is nearly 70, by that time in life many OAP don't want to travel or have big flashy houses or cars. What they want is companionship.

youareallbonkers · 12/01/2015 22:37

The solicitor isn't taking half the assets, they either agree between them or the court decides. It is decided on the basis of needs, she has looked after the home and brought up children and marital assets are joint assets no matter who earned them. Don't you think that counts as work?

Are you really worried that the new woman will get his assets instead of you?

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 12/01/2015 22:38

Also why are you so worried about your dads money.

If he spends every last penny on this women, it's his money and he can spend it how he wishes.

Infinity8 · 12/01/2015 22:42

They were married for a long time - half of everything belongs to your mum. She's not 'bleeding him dry'.

If this man is so bloody stupid, he will marry some bankrupt woman he's known for 5 minutes, then it's just as well your mum is getting half now, because if she wasn't you can bet your life new woman would soon be spending it.

OP, I think you have to be blunt. Would he agree to let you put some of his assets in your name as an insurance. Maybe he would agree if he thought it would stop you worrying?

Theoretician · 12/01/2015 23:01

Glad shes getting more than half.

Why should she get more than half? Surely at that age their needs and future earning ability are equal?

SlatternIsMyMiddleName · 12/01/2015 23:01

Putting aside the valid points raised above, a divorce from beginning to end can take quite some time. It may be some time before your father is free to remarry and hopefully by then his new relationship will have had a bit longer to settle one way or the other.

On another issue, a PP asked why you are worried about your fathers money. I do think you are right to worry. If my father died leaving all his money to someone who he met a very short time beforehand over me, I would not be happy. I have been his daughter for 40+ years! new wife will have been his wife a significantly lesser amount of time.

Permanentlyexhausted · 12/01/2015 23:02

I can understand where you're coming from, OP.

I think you're simply worried that your father will find himself living in poverty when he is older if things go wrong with this woman. No-one wants to see anyone they love screwed over for money and left struggling to make ends meet. The OP is right to want to make sure he understands exactly what he might be risking. If he's still happy to marry this woman then good luck to him but it is not wrong or selfish to want to make sure he is doing so with his eyes wide open.

Original poster
OrangesJuicyOranges · 12/01/2015 23:05

Those of you suggesting I want the month for myself are very wrong. I just want my dad to be ok in his retirement. And he does want to travel, mum never let him, and he wants to enjoy his life. I am more than happy for him to be doing that with his new girlfriend. What I don't want is for him to find himself a few years down the line having another break up and losing his money. I genuinely have no ulterior motive. I'm just worrying about his financial security.

If this new woman gives him x years of happiness and inherits everything he had I don't mind at all. I'm just worried it will end before he dies and he will have to deal with another heartbreak and financial stress.

OP posts:
Theoretician · 12/01/2015 23:08

If any lawyers read this, for the second marriage, will the fact that all his money was brought into the marriage (rather than earned during it) make a difference if he gets divorced again?

Just curious.

DragonfliesDrawFlame · 12/01/2015 23:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.