To think my dad's being bloody foolish and advise him to grow up a bit?

[OrangesJuicyOranges]

My dad is in the process of getting divorced from my mum. He's nearly seventy. Mum is bleeding him dry and has managed to get a solicitor who is taking more than half their joint assets despite her never having worked a day in her life.

Anyway, he's met someone new since mum left him. He's really fallen for her and wants her to move in as soon as mum is out. Mum doesn't know about this other woman for what's it's worth, she has a new chap too. He told me today he plans to marry the new woman.

I'm really worried about him moving in with a woman he's known for less than six months and potentially losing a load more money further down the line if they get married and it doesn't work out. He no longer works so has no earning potential and mum is taking half his pension as well as everything else.

I suggested he see a solicitor to protect his money before rushing into financial commitments to his new woman. She has no money and was declared bankrupt several years ago. She currently lives off handouts from her brother. I haven't met her, I'm sure she's lovely but I'm concerned about my dad being daft.

He doesn't want to see a solicitor be used it's 'not romantic' and says he doesn't want to raise the conversations about money with her because it 'would be awkward.'

Is there any kind of online guide or book I could get him which would set out his rights, and hers, if they got married/ moved in together and might suggest a sensible way of him protecting his assets should it all go tits up? I'm not worried about her being left all his money in his will as he will be dead and won't need it - I'm worried about him being left in his seventies/eighties with barely any money.

Yes, and what's really sad is that my mum is the second wife who has left him after cheating on him. The first was when he was in his twenties. And I did say to him that while I'm sure his new woman is lovely that you can never really tell how things will work out and if she loves him she would be happy for a money conversation to happen now and would be totally understanding about him wanting to protect his own financial security. As it is, they've discussed her moving in and him paying for bills, food etc, she would be contributing nothing because she has nothing. He says she wants to get married because 'that's what you women want.'

It breaks my heart. He's not stupid but I think, in this instance, he's being very naive and foolish. He stayed by mum through countless affairs and very nasty treatment because he thinks that's what a marriage is about, he's very old fashioned (daft) and was really heartbroken when mum finally said she wanted a divorce. If he can get some happiness with this new woman I'm only too pleased to see it. I just can't bear a future heartbreak compounded by financial insecurity.

I haven't met her yet because he hasn't told mum about her and he wants to wait until the divorce is finalised before 'coming out.' But I did google her, and a photo came up...leaving the courts after being convicted of drink driving. He doesn't know I've seen this but it did worry me. He does seem very smitten and happy. But, I wish he'd wait before moving in / marrying her. Or I wish she had her own house / some money so they were more financial equals.

I can't believe he's not learned some lessons through what he's going through about protecting himself. He's such a nice man, I think he thinks the best of everyone.

Why so many assumptions about his wife/OPs mother? She was at home therefore must have worked in the home and must deserve more than half of the marital assets - bullshit. Staying at home does not automatically equal working or contributing. OP says she didn't, OP was there and better placed than you lot to know!

OP it must be horrible to see your dad setting himself up for more pain having been in what sounds like an abusive relationship with your mum. All you can really do is be there for him though, he will make his choices whatever you do. Your mum will get half the assets at least, they were married so that's the starting point.

You could attempt to encourage him to investments/ISAs etc if you think he would listen.

Yes, in my opinion,which doesn't matter, she doesn't deserve half the assets and certainly not more. However I understand that she will get more than half, from what dad has said, and fair enough. My concern is not that at all. It's more than he's going to have to sell his house, downsize and be left with half of what he thought he'd have for his retirement and that if that were halved again he'd struggle.

And she didn't beaver away making a nice home, raising his children, looking after him etc, she was largely an absent mother, had numerous affairs, frittered his money on cosmetic surgery, clothes etc, and forbade him from spending money on what he wanted (e.g. Holidays, a nice car). I am angry about this but it's their relationship, nothing to do with me and I'd never say anything about it to him. I don't speak to her anyway.

I don't understand money things much myself - surely if he put his money into ISAs etc. it's still his money/assets wherever it's squirrelled away and is, as such, not protected from any subsequent split? Even if he didn't marry the new woman but she moved in with him and was financially dependent on him - she'd be entitled to half if they got married and then split wouldn't she?

People are being unpleasant about the OP. She knows about her mum and dad's relationship - she cares about him being taken advantage of. Nasty posters suggesting that OP wants the money herself and using this to make a point.

Some mothers are bad mothers and wives. Some fathers are bad fathers and husbands. That's the way it is.

If it were my dad or my son or my brother in this situation I'd be asking the same questions for help on here.

This isn't your first thread about this, is it?

Aren't you a bit over-involved for your OWN good?

This is my first post about this. I don't think I'm over involved. I've very much left them to it. Their relationship / divorce is their business. I was hoping for a bit of shared understanding and suggestions about what I could say to help him be sensible.

I appreciate that some might feel I'm overly harsh about mum but the thread isn't about her. I'm not trying to stop or interfere or even openly comment on anything to do with mum.

I have my own money and no interest in my dads money. If I have to I will support him. It's just so frustrating to see him walking into a potential problem without trying to protect himself.

I'm not trying to...even openly comment on anything to do with mum.

TBF you robustly disparaged your mother's entitlement to a fair share of marital property in your OP (and commented on her work history). That is bound to provoke comment without context.

There was a remarkably similar thread a week or two back. Divorcing retired, parents. OP an extremely involved DD railing about DM, worried about DF.

You should AS it. It might be helpful to you.

In that scenario there was an issue around the DM apparently withholding the marriage cert from the DF. OP was advised that copies are easily obtainable. Hopefully that's enough to help you find it.

Good luck.

Sorry, but you just can't save him from himself. Unless, as another poster up thread has said you are blunt with him. Or enlist the person you think could help.

When my mum died ten years ago, my Dad couldn't spend money fast enough. He will be 73 this year. A cruise with his lady friend (whom my self and another close relative suspect he was seeing before mum died). He spent money hand over fist on clothes for the cruise because said new lady friend was a snob.

He was insistent that she was going to sell her house, he was going to sell his house and they would live together in the new residence which they had purchased together. I think he thought he was going to live at her house in the interim. (Albeit she was a good source of information when telling my close relative that Dad was going to let the house to a couple with dubious intent. Whist I can't remember the details, it was basically a scam to get his house off him in the long run. He still believes this couple to be good friends, not least they were friends with both mum and dad. Close relative had to sit Dad down and calmly point out the pitfalls to the arrangement. Fortunately that put the kibosh on it. On being caught out all the dubious couple could say was, 'we don't want to fall out or have any bad feeling about this.') Another incident with this same couple when they asked Dad if he would lie in court to say he had been a witness to something he had not seen. My Dad refused. He does have some morals, not least perjury has a custodial sentence if found guilty. It's ok, he still believes these people to be his friends.

He described his father as easily led. Must run in the family.

It was only the fact that the lady friend was no more going to sell her house than fly in the air that stopped Dad putting his house on the market. The fact that she was married was beside the point, obviously. OK, in name only as her husband had left some years previously to live with his new partner. Lady friend would not agree to a divorce because she didn't want to lose half her assets when the house got sold.

A conservatory extension on Dad's house which cost seventeen grand. Installing a downstairs toilet (not in the conservatory may I add.)

Lady friend and close relative had to save him from himself once again when he was about to pay a 'doorstep cowboy' to do some work i.e. do you want your driveway tarmacked ? That sort of thing.

He spent five grand on a new roof because he decided the house needed it. All he could say is, 'it (the roof) goes back to Victorian times' No it doesn't. Those houses were built in the 1940's something like that. It was just another opportunity for me and a close relative to roll our eyes and think, 'it's your money.' It's not even if any of these, 'improvements' were even mentioned when mum was alive.

Eventually, when the financial slack was taken up, he half jokingly admitted to being poor. Then and only then did he decide to wind his neck in and start living back like when mum was alive i.e. living within their/his means. OK, my mum was allergic to spending because she was, like a lot of older people, scared of not having enough to live on after retirement. Her death meant he was out of control let off the leash and could do what he liked and thought he was emperor of the world.

For him, living within his means is both his pensions and whatever rental income he gets from his lodgers. He's on top of his bills and went on holiday at Christmas & New Year with this week's lady friend.

I don't believe he got an insurance pay-out when mum died either. He did get her share of their jointly owned house though.

As a close relative pointed out: Dad got married shortly after having to shave regularly. So all this finding his way with new relationships is foreign to him.

My husband remarked that he went straight from home to working for the armed forces as a teenager. (Couldn't leave home quick enough after falling out with his stepmother. His mum had died, his Dad remarried. So, maybe this behaviour was normal to him but unusual to my family.) The armed forces are a patriarchal organisation. He bought himself out of the army a couple of years after marrying my mum i.e. he went from being taken care of in his job to having a wife. She died, he was left to make his own decisions. Please see above.

It's amazing how random posters on mumsnet know more about what the OP's mum did/does than the OP!

Can anyone tell me what my mum is doing work wise at the moment? It would save me a phonecall. TIA.

I think you have to come to terms with the fact that at your respective ages, you should mind your own business. You have no responsibility for your dad's finances and he will do what he likes

He doesn't want to spend the rest of his life without a companion. That's hardly irrational!

I never even thought of inheritance when I made my comments.

I asked why is she worried about her dads money. In which I think it's a valid concern.

I hope you can make him see sense.

Show him this thread. Or post him it? He obviously isn't going to listen to you or anyone else.

If he is stupid enough to keep going after woman who fleece him (and a bankrupt convicted drunk driver doesn't exactly sound promising) then he kind of deserves to lose whatever money he has left. Unfortunate for you to watch but theres only so much you can do.

There are plenty of woman in the world who aren't bankrupt, have jobs or have worked, don't drink drive, etc. - so maybe he likes to pick rather desperate women for whom he can provide some kind of financial security they lack? When I worked in family law, you would get these male clients who would complain about similar situations to what you have described - their wife didn't work and walked off with half or more than half of the money and property from the marriage. Some of them would be there third time around, complaining about three wives who hadn't worked, and about how "all women were after money and wanted an easy life without working" or similar. And you would be sitting there, in an office full of working women, often women who worked very long hours and who had families as well, and be thinking to yourself, its not women who are at fault, its your inability to pick a decent one.

Wow. You really dislike your mum don't you?

Or has your dad brought you up to believe this.....?

Ok, I give in.

Yes I really dislike my mum. No my dad didn't bring me up to dislike her. He always wished I didn't. I'm genuinely worried about my dad and I'm not trying to interfere. I'm saddened that my posts have been misconstrued but it's partly my fault for mentioning mum when she's nothing really to do with the situation I'm worried about.

I'm not money grabbing in the slightest, I'm just a concerned daughter. I'm sure you'd not all be happy just to shrug and let your own family get on with it when you could see the potential for a serious fall.

I'm leaving it at that.

No wonder people give up on mumsnet. Someone asks for advice out of genuine concern for a parent and gets told by strangers on the Internet with no knowledge of her family that

1. Of course her mum worked and is entitled to more than half of the divorce settlement
2. That she's money-grabbing and only interested in her inheritance
3. That the bankrupt woman with ha criminal conviction her dad is seeing is likely to have no financial motive for spending time with her DF and the OP is being unreasonable to be concerned for her DF's welfare

No wonder people give up when there are so many vipers out here so willing to persecute someone for asking a reasonable question. If you don't have any sensible advice and are just here for 'school-bully' kicks and to make someone else feel shite or to push your own agenda, then could you perhaps just not?
Good luck OP, hope getting you BIL to speak to him helps

That's a disgusting comment Greywack. Were you there, in the OPs childhood? If she was saying she was worried for her mother and that her father had been an arse then I daresay nobody would question it.

My own mother is bone idle and a financial parasite. I love her dearly and she's a lovely person but some people in this world are takers. On here, we call the male ones 'cocklodgers'. But we don't have a word for the female ones.

Op fwiw I'm no legal brain but I don't think his new girlfriend would have any claim on his assets even if they married. If she's brought nothing, contributed nothing then I wouldn't think she's entitled to much.

I agree with you totally, SunshineAndShadows.

Good luck Oranges. I don't know what you can do to convince your dad, apart from enlisting someone male in the family to talk to him, but I wish you and your dad well.

It is irrelevant what the mum did or didn't do, they have been married for a long time and she is entitled to a share of the assets. As she has never worked she might need a larger share. If she was that horrendous why would he have stayed married for so long?

The responses on this thread are fucking ridiculous.

OP, I completely understand. YANBU. At all.

Read the full thread youareallbonkers and you'll see that the OP explains this. Saying that the marriage can't have been abusive because her dad stayed in it is ludicrous.
Regardless your point is not relevant to the OP's concerns. She wants to know how to help protect her father to prevent this happening again. Any ideas?

OP you might be better reposting in Legal where hopefully you'll get more informed and relevant advice

I agree - legal or relationships. This thread is attracting idiots.

I've read it and am commenting on a part of it. If it isn't relevant then op shouldn't have mentioned it.

Unfortunately youareallbonkers your post shows a complete lack of any kind of understanding about the dynamics of abusive relationships.

Nobody said it wasn't relevant - I'm sure if the OP hadn't mentioned it she'd have been jumped on for drip-feeding. I said your question about why her DF stayed in the marriage has been answered. But you clearly think you have more information than the OP on her family's situation, so you're clearly much better placed to judge her parents relationship

Honestly sometimes I think mumsnet is populated by 15 year old girls just looking to score points

Wow, an awful lot of projecting on this thread.

OP, I think it's entirely reasonable to love your dad and be concerned for his financial and emotional well-being. I can't quite fathom the 'it's none of your business' posts - he is your close family and you care about what happens to him.

I think you've had some good advice among the nonsense; I saw this happen to my great uncle about 15 years ago and he is now completely estranged from his family (and in potential hot water over the way he and his new wife have used his adult disabled son's money).