Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider getting married before my engaged best friend?

42 replies

Chita80 · 12/01/2015 20:22

First time poster - be gentle!

Oldest school friend got engaged a couple of months ago. They've been together 4 years, I've been with my partner a similar amount.

The wedding is NoV 2016 and I'm a bridesmaid. It will be a very lavish wedding, very traditional - exactly what she wants, and I'm over the moon for her.

Both my partner and I have discussed weddings at length. We would have a low budget, low key wedding and I would not want to wait almost 2 years. There has been a back history of me being a bit anti-wedding (not anti marriage) and best friend feeling overshadowed by my slightly higher achievements with regards to work.

So - for the sake of my friendship - AIBU to consider getting married before her?

What is the etiquette here?

OP posts:
LadyMaryofDownton · 12/01/2015 20:25

When did you get engaged?

InfinitySeven · 12/01/2015 20:25

I have no idea why it would even matter, presuming that you don't mean the day before!

CaptainAnkles · 12/01/2015 20:25

If the weddings are nothing like each other, and you're not planning it for the weekend before hers or anything like that, I don't see why it should be a problem. However, some brides do seem to go completely mental and see everything as a slight and an attempt to steal their thunder, so it's quite possible your friend could take offence anyway.

ilovesooty · 12/01/2015 20:26

What etiquette?

I don't see why you can't get married next week if you want to.

quietlysuggests · 12/01/2015 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chocolateorsalad · 12/01/2015 20:28

YANBU. What if the wedding was planned for 2020? Would you be expected to wait until after then to get married? Best friend doesn't own the time space between now and her wedding day. Of course you can get married before her.

SwedishEdith · 12/01/2015 20:29

November 2016 is aaaaaaaaaaaggggges away. Why didn't they just wait and announce their engagement on October 2016? Anyway, get married whenever you want.

TipTapWentTheCrab · 12/01/2015 20:29

I know what you mean and I think you're right to be concerned for her feelings, but I would say that your own marriage is too important to be blocked by worries about etiquette. Be sensitive, don't have the wedding the month before hers! But if you have a low key affair this year or next spring, I don't think that would unduly overshadow hers.

Original poster
Chita80 · 12/01/2015 20:29

Sorry to clarify - I am not engaged but dp and I had discussed a quiet and small 2015 wedding possibly.

Captain ankles - my thoughts exactly. We are best friends but I do feel this whole wedding thing is unchartered territory (am 27 and none ofbour friends are married)

Thanks for your responses

OP posts:
londonrach · 12/01/2015 20:29

You cant put your life on hold until after nov 2016. Didnt realise there was etiquette! If you want to marry just do it.

Chaseface · 12/01/2015 20:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Clobbered · 12/01/2015 20:32

Get married when it suits you and your DP. Your friend can do whatever she wants for her wedding, and so can you. Your DP may well have a view on this too….
Even if you decided to go traditional, and make a big splash, as long as you didn't do it the week after or before your friend, then it wouldn't (shouldn't) matter either. The two weddings are unrelated events. End of. Go ahead and plan your wedding as you want, when you want. If she throws a hissy fit, she's not worth keeping as a friend.

Welshmaenad · 12/01/2015 20:33

Er, I was engaged for two years. Why is that a shocker?

And yes, op, get married when YOU want to, you can't put your life on hold.

BuffytheReasonableFeminist · 12/01/2015 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

phoenixrose314 · 12/01/2015 20:37

Ignore all the people being RUDE, there's no need for it but it happens a lot on this board - tread carefully, OP!

I would have a quiet word with her first, saying that even though you don't want a huge wedding with all the trimmings, you and DP have decided to get married (emphasise the low-key nature of this, no proper engagement, just want to make it 'official' on paper etc.), and that you were thinking of just getting hitched quietly this year. Tell her your fears. If she's your best friend, she will be so touched by the fact you thought of her feelings that she will love it and you. Or, if you are right and she would feel a little hard done by, could you not wait? If you and DP are happy as you are, waiting wouldn't be the most terrible thing in the world....

Just be open, be vulnerable, be honest. And good luck Flowers

Original poster
Chita80 · 12/01/2015 20:38

Chaseface - I'm 26 and no one in my social circle is married so I feel this is a new territory to navigate and wanted some opinions.

They both have family issues and they are from different countries so the wedding is abroad (she checked I was OK with this before booking as she wants me to be there)

OP posts:
LadyMaryofDownton · 12/01/2015 20:39

You've asked for etiquette so I'll give etiquette. As you are not engaged you should wait until after their Wedding. Especially as you are on their Wedding & presumably you will ask her to participate in yours.

However; if you & your partner really are serious about having a quick Wedding this year, then who cares about etiquette!

I am sure that if your friend really is a good friend she would be delighted for you. Plus it's fun to plan together.

Go for it but I wouldn't say anything until you're actually engaged.

Original poster
Chita80 · 12/01/2015 20:39

I thought that phoenixrose. My grandparents are in their 80s so that's a bit if a factor.. (although not a huge one)

OP posts:
Original poster
Chita80 · 12/01/2015 20:41

Thanks for the responses.

I think my life is about to be taken over by weddings for the next ten years!

OP posts:
WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 12/01/2015 20:42

If it's this year and low key, absolutely not a problem at all. If it's the week before hers with all the same invitees, then yes, that would be inconsiderate.

Sagethyme · 12/01/2015 20:44

I agree quietyly who is engaged for 2 years? I was engaged for six Grin one of my mates got engaged, married, kinds and divorced in that time!

CleverPlansAndSecretTricks · 12/01/2015 20:44

what phoenixrose said ^^
Brilliant advice and put far better than I would have managed.

Sagethyme · 12/01/2015 20:44

Kids not kinds...fat fingers rides again!

JeanneDeMontbaston · 12/01/2015 20:44

If it were me, I'd ask her how she felt in such a way that she'd realize she'd sound very silly to object (eg. 'I know you'll probably think I'm ridiculous to even ask you if you'd mind, but DP and I think we'll get married in [month] this year, so I'd be your married bridesmaid. Some people might have issues - I just want to be super-sure you don't?).

That way, if she does say she minds, you'll know she really does, and as you presumably care about her, that will matter to you.

If she doesn't, she then can't really feel you never asked her, so she won't have ruffled feathers (and might quite like the chance to feel you see her as a lovely, laissez-faire, non-bridezilla type).

youareallbonkers · 12/01/2015 20:51

If you have decided to get married you ARE engaged. Do people really not understand this?

Swipe left for the next trending thread