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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to consider getting married before my engaged best friend?

42 replies

Chita80 · 12/01/2015 20:22

First time poster - be gentle!

Oldest school friend got engaged a couple of months ago. They've been together 4 years, I've been with my partner a similar amount.

The wedding is NoV 2016 and I'm a bridesmaid. It will be a very lavish wedding, very traditional - exactly what she wants, and I'm over the moon for her.

Both my partner and I have discussed weddings at length. We would have a low budget, low key wedding and I would not want to wait almost 2 years. There has been a back history of me being a bit anti-wedding (not anti marriage) and best friend feeling overshadowed by my slightly higher achievements with regards to work.

So - for the sake of my friendship - AIBU to consider getting married before her?

What is the etiquette here?

OP posts:

CaptainAnkles · 12/01/2015 20:53

Some people don't consider it to be a 'real' engagement if they didn't have a big proposal moment with a ring, followed by an announcement and a party.

Notagainmun · 12/01/2015 20:53

I got engaged a few months this before a close friend and set a date for eighteen months later. She booked hers for six weeks before mine same church but different reception venue. It was all good.

During friend's wedding DF were excited for ours and lots of mutual friends said they were too. In fact we picked up a few things not to do, such as not to snog when you are being filmed a lingering closed lip kiss looks far nicer. Also not to drink so much that both the bride and grooms mother's have to put the newly weds to bed on their wedding night. This was twenty five years ago and they love showing the video to their teenage kids to embarrass them.

TillyGotTangled · 12/01/2015 20:53

A friend of mine is getting married and asked another friend to be a bridesmaid. The other girl accepted and then also got engaged shortly after.

She booked the same venue 3 weeks before our friend. Said friend who is usually lovely and chilled is a typical "excited" bride and is apoplectic about it. Not to her though. But to everyone else.

I'd tread carefully - weddings do funny things to some women

JeanneDeMontbaston · 12/01/2015 20:56

But, youare, she hasn't decided to get married, has she?

Don't quite a lot of people discuss weddings before agreeing they want to get married?

Original poster

Chita80 · 12/01/2015 21:04

Youareallbonkers - my issues with weddings are pretty wide ranging (including engagement rings!) so we're trying to navigate it all privately before doing the whole 'wahey engaged' thing... But yes, I get what you mean.

OP posts:

meditrina · 12/01/2015 21:06

There is nothing in traditional etiquette that says you have to wait for someone else's wedding to take place before having yours. There would never be a 'rule' to tell you to put your major life events on hold, and it would be utterly unworkable, given that do seem to be peak years when everyone settles down.

She will have set the date because it suits her, not to dictate the lives of others.

But I do agree it would be deeply tactless to have your wedding right on top iof theirs, and poor taste to have a similar do if close-ish.

There is nothing whatsoever wrong with having your wedding when you want to. But I would tell her privately, after families but before wider announcement.

Stealthpolarbear · 12/01/2015 21:10

No once dh and is agreed we'd be married one day I considered myself engaged.
Once we'd actually agreed we were in a position to book a wedding we told everyone and bought a ring. The length of our engagement was how long it took to realistically plan and book it all

RoundRobinSparkles · 12/01/2015 21:16

"Who the F**k is engaged for two years ago?"

Weirdos that's who!
DH and I got engaged in 2003, 2 years after we met in 2001. We finally got married in 2010!

JeanneDeMontbaston · 12/01/2015 21:23

I know someone who got engaged either just before me or at about the same time - I forget.

Her engagement has outlasted my marriage! Six years on and she's still engaged.

FelicityGubbins · 12/01/2015 21:24

I never got engaged, fuck knows how I've managed to be married for nearly 20 years judging by the mn rules of engagement
You get married when its right for you, not around everyone else's plans and social events...

PacificDogwood · 12/01/2015 21:29

Get married whenever you want to and in whatever style you want to.

I really don't see what this has to do with your friend's plans.

And yes, if you are planning on getting married, you're engaged: party or no party, ring or no ring

I don't get the hysteria about the wedding when what people should really worry about is the marriage.

But I am admittedly a bit 'bah humbug' about lavish weddings

WooWooOwl · 12/01/2015 21:39

You would be silly to wait two years, and if your best friend would cause problems then she's not a real friend.

Be sensitive to her inner bridezillla by taking to her and acknowledging the slight awkwardness of the situation, but also remember that you're doing nothing wrong and would have nothing to be sorry for. There is no etiquette rule that you'd be breaking here. Your marriage and wedding is not in any way connected to her marriage and wedding.

Fwiw, a close female friend of mine and DHs got married the week before us, and were engaged significantly less time than us. It was just the way circumstances and time would have it. It was lovely to have a friend in the same weddingy frame of mind as me at the same time, it meant we both knew exactly how best to be supportive to the other, and we both very much enjoyed each other's weddings.

Imi22sleeping · 12/01/2015 21:44

I got engaged after and married before my best friend I texted her and asked her if my wedding being three months before hers was a problem and she was not bothered at all as all as she was invited!!

Trills · 12/01/2015 21:48

November 2016 is a looooong time.

You could hardly be accused of trying to steal her thunder.

ApocalypseThen · 12/01/2015 22:21

I got engaged after my younger brother had set the date for his wedding and I and married before him. I asked if they minded before we set a date, they very graciously didn't so we married six months before them.

I think if you're going to have an overlap of guests you should mention it as a courtesy. But the timescale is so long here she'd be very unreasonable to object.

comeagainforbigfudge · 12/01/2015 22:28

My folks just got married. No engagement nonsense (in their opinion obvs). DM's thoughts were "well what's the point of engagement ring. Let's just get marriet"

If your friend is a real friend she'll be happy for you no matter what.

TheCraicDealer · 12/01/2015 22:37

Fuck no, go ahead. If she says anything say as the two days are going to be completely different and her's is the much bigger do (flattery will get you everywhere) you didn't think she'd mind. Honestly, putting your life on hold for two years is barmy. She chose the big flashy day and the long engagement. If she's the type to get annoyed about you getting married before her then she'd still get herself worked up about your day being "too close" to her's or some shite even if you did delay it. Just do it.

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