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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let DD leave a girl out

50 replies

EveDallasRetd · 12/01/2015 12:25

DD has had some problems with a girl from school being a little bullying/spiteful. We had an issue at Xmas when this girl gave DD a 'present' that she'd actually pinched. That was resolved (I played dumb but returned it to her mum) and I advised DD to distance herself from her.

Things got worse and DD ended up telling me that she didn't want anything to do with this girl. She's been avoiding her at school (same class) and has been 'too busy' to play out of school.

This weekend I found out that another girl (a good friend of DDs) has had similar issues and her mum has put a blanket ban on them playing together at all.

Thing is, that leaves this girl with no-one. Apparently at school she plays with the younger children after too many incidents with kids her own age. But in the village there are very few kids she'd play with and it sounds like she's alienated them all.

Other mum doesn't care, says she bought it on herself (which I agree with in general), but I'm left feeling rather guilty that this child has no friends. DD on the other hand has a close group of 4 girls at school, in the evenings has one girl (the close friend above) and 4 or 5 boys she regularly plays with.

I feel awkward. She came round 3 times this weekend and I covered for DD each time, but later found out what the other mum had done. It seems cruel - but do I really ride roughshod over DD, knowing how unhappy this girl makes her?

OP posts:

Samcro · 12/01/2015 12:28

it is up to your dd who she plays with.
I would never force my child to play with someone they don't like.

yellowdinosauragain · 12/01/2015 12:28

The other mum is nothing to do with it. Your dd doesn't want to play with her, for what sounds like reasonable reasons, and you should stand up for her.

I do think it makes a bit of a difference how old they are as to how you handle it when she comes round though..

ilovesooty · 12/01/2015 12:29

I don't think you should feel guilty at all, but I think the girl and her mother need to be aware of exactly how her behaviour has driven other children away. Your daughter doesn't have to associate with the girl if she doesn't want to and I don't think you can tell her to distance herself then go back on that.

HazleNutt · 12/01/2015 12:31

It's not your or your DD's obligation to make sure the other girl has friends. I would not force my child to play with someone who does not treat them nicely.

KatieKaye · 12/01/2015 12:32

Agree it is up to your DD. How old are they and how serious was the bullying? Is the school aware?

Gautami · 12/01/2015 12:32

How old are they?

I think you have to take it a bit at a time. If dd doesn't want to play with her at the moment, then that should be respected. However, keep the doors open as friendships are very fluid; things change and children mature. I think a blanket ban is a bad idea, but its out of your control that the other mum has imposed this and you cant feel guilty about it.

Jengnr · 12/01/2015 12:34

If someone behaved like that towards you would you socialise with them?

benfoldsfive · 12/01/2015 12:36

I second Gautami. Friendships at this age are fluid and your dd should be allowed to lead the way.

WD41 · 12/01/2015 12:38

The other mum is irrelevant

Your dd shouldn't have to play with somebody she doesn't want to, with good reason.

I think it's important that we teach our children that they do have choice when it comes to other people, their feelings are valid and teach them they don't have to be doormats.

HeyheyheyGoodbye · 12/01/2015 12:40

You can't force your DD to be friends with someone who makes her unhappy. You don't have to put a blanket ban on it but like a PP said, let your DD call the shots.

Original poster

EveDallasRetd · 12/01/2015 12:46

Hi all

The girls are Yr5 so all 9/10.

The bullying/spitefullness was very slight and it wasn't just DD. Other Girl (OG) is very forward and bossy. She'd join in with a game and then take over or change it until the girls (and some boys) wouldn't want to play with her. Then she'd go to the dinner lady or teacher and say the others were being horrible to her or leaving her out etc. a couple of times DD was 'sent to the wall' (like timeout) and was furious/upset because she hadn't actually done anything wrong. Eventually the school caught on (took some months and a few complaints) and OG was punished.

After that there were accusations of stealing, hitting etc that got people into trouble (I saw OG do a fabulous dramatic fall to the floor that nearly got a yr 6 lad in bother - thankfully I was on the scene so to speak)

I suppose I feel guilty because I saw her this morning. DD and her mates all squealing over each other, everyone else playing and running around, but OG stood on her own looking forlorn and no-one even acknowledged her. According to DD no-one in class wants to play with her so she plays with yr3 girls.

I barely know mum or dad.

OP posts:

benfoldsfive · 12/01/2015 12:51

This girl is not your responsibility. It is really saxton watch children be left out but she needs to learn from her actions like. Her behaviour is not condusive to having lots of friends.

My Dd is a year older and had a hard time because she was very dominant and so were 2 other girls in her group. Cue falling out all the time, been left out, crying and miserable. My Dd learnt the art of compromise and is having a better time but still struggles to not be in control all the time.

Hoppinggreen · 12/01/2015 13:34

My Dd is 10 . In her year is one girl in particular who has been pretty unpleasant since Reception. DD has largely avoided her and has a good friendship group so hasn't been too worried by her. In year 5 the classes switched round and DD now finds herself in the same class as this girl and this girl has decided that DD is her new best friend - DD is understandably not pleased by this. This girl is also having a lot of problems at home, which I sympathise with but screaming " You have to play with me, my life is really horrible at home" at my DD probably isn't the best way to go about it.
DD has also been told off by lunchtime staff for not playing with this girl as she goes to them and complains that DD won't play with her.
DD has suggested to her friends that they let this girl join in but they aren't having it so she has the choice of playing with her or her close friends she actually likes.
I have told DD she doesn't not have to play with anyone she doesn't want to but she has to be nice, as other people say this girl is not you or your daughters responsibility.
It is sad but maybe it's time this child wishes up to the fact that if you aren't nice people won't play with you - that's a lesson even my Year 1 son understands!!

BeCool · 12/01/2015 13:51

DD age 7 is in Y2 & has been bullied by a "friend" since reception.

I support DD by identifying with her what is bullying, confirming that it is wrong and she doesn't have to put up with it, encouraging her to talk about it, letting teachers know (as strangely they don't pass this information on with the children to the next year).

DD won't cut this girl out completely and will still call her a friend, though she acknowledges this friend isn't always very nice. We talk about what this child is getting up to viz a vie DD and I know to look out for other signs (anxiety, trouble going to sleep, bed wetting etc) that indicate something is up we have missed. If DD wanted to have nothing at all to do with this child I would support her in this.

The bully child comes from a troubled home and her mum is very attention seeking/self centered as far as I can see. I've seen her hit the girl and scream at her really in her face - horrible. I feel for the child, but there is nothing I can do about it, and I won't prioritise her over my DD.

The teachers have been great in keeping the 2 apart in class (ie for group work etc), not making them play in playground together (which used to happen) - they are also supporting both girls emotionally, so I take some comfort for the bully knowing that the teacher is aware. It made a huge difference to DD after I spoke to the Y2 teacher and the teacher let DD know that she knew and DD could talk to teacher about anything, any time.

The main thing for me is DD is equipped to deal with this the best she can and also she knows that I and her other support network (teachers, childminder etc) are completely here for her.

I would say support your DD in her choices. Keep teaching her about respect for others and boundaries etc, but respect her decision to be friends with whom she wants to be friends with. If that is difficult think of the alternative - forcing her to be friends with her bully. Not really an option is it?

GlitteryLipgloss · 12/01/2015 13:52

Has OG's mum had a new baby by any chance and is playing up to get attention?

BeCool · 12/01/2015 13:52

Hopping our experiences sound very similar!

Original poster

EveDallasRetd · 12/01/2015 14:30

No there's no new baby Glittery and none in the planning as far as I know

I think I was just having a wobble this morning. Gawd, I swear I'm finding Yr5 harder than DD - we had an issue with a different girl earlier in the year that thankfully resolved when DD joined the group of 4 - but I was all het up about it.

DD is quite clear, she does NOT want to be friends with this girl, and I should respect that. She's got a lovely group of friends now, despite us being 'newcomers'. I should leave it shouldn't I.

OP posts:

QueenofallIsee · 12/01/2015 14:38

I would leave it Eve - I know that in an ideal world this wouldn't happen, but as long as your daughter is not being willfully spiteful (and she is clearly not, according to your OP) then you have nothing to reproach her or yourself for. It is not nice to see a child struggling to fit in, but nor should your DD compromise on her own well being to allow for someone that she just doesn't like. At 9/10 though, I am not convinced that you should be 'covering' for her - is she not old enough to address this slightly more assertively than a phase out of the girl? I have 9yr old boys but we don't get this and DD is nearly 17 so have forgotten I think!

Original poster

EveDallasRetd · 12/01/2015 14:57

She's not really that confident Queen, and would probably find it hard. She has quite a fear of being seen as 'nasty' (which is why she took the timeouts so badly). She's also a bit scared of OG - what if she tells tales at school again type stuff.

I'll do it for her for now, and bolster DDs confidence for later.

OP posts:

Hullygully · 12/01/2015 15:06

The most useful thing you could do is speak to the teacher and suggest the school provide some "how to get along with others" sessions for the OG. That would help her the most in the long run.

InsomniaIsNotCool · 12/01/2015 15:09

Stay out of it and let DD make her own decisions.

I would never force my DD to play with someone she doesn't want to who has been unkind to her.

pregnantpause · 12/01/2015 15:10

I think it's very necessary to teach our dc that they are not responsible for others. I see so many people, women mainly, who feel they have to 'save' or look after or be nice to horrible people- look on here for a day and you see women looking after entitled sods children, staying with prats because they're lovely really, continuing toxic family relationships because they feel obliged. It's a good lesson to learn that you can't and don't need to like everybody, and it's not up to you to compensate for the bad in people's lives.

Original poster

EveDallasRetd · 12/01/2015 15:12

Do you think I could Hully? I hadn't thought of that tbh, but it would assuage my 'guilt' and hopefully help OG.

Teacher is brand new though (first year) and having a bit of a hard time so I'd probably go for the more experienced TA (she's lovely and very approachable).

Cheers

OP posts:

Hullygully · 12/01/2015 15:16

Good plan

InsomniaIsNotCool · 12/01/2015 15:19

OP it's not up to you to get involved with this other girl. She is not your DD so I would not bring it up with the school, that is for her or her DM to deal with.

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