To let DD leave a girl out

[EveDallasRetd]

DD has had some problems with a girl from school being a little bullying/spiteful. We had an issue at Xmas when this girl gave DD a 'present' that she'd actually pinched. That was resolved (I played dumb but returned it to her mum) and I advised DD to distance herself from her.

Things got worse and DD ended up telling me that she didn't want anything to do with this girl. She's been avoiding her at school (same class) and has been 'too busy' to play out of school.

This weekend I found out that another girl (a good friend of DDs) has had similar issues and her mum has put a blanket ban on them playing together at all.

Thing is, that leaves this girl with no-one. Apparently at school she plays with the younger children after too many incidents with kids her own age. But in the village there are very few kids she'd play with and it sounds like she's alienated them all.

Other mum doesn't care, says she bought it on herself (which I agree with in general), but I'm left feeling rather guilty that this child has no friends. DD on the other hand has a close group of 4 girls at school, in the evenings has one girl (the close friend above) and 4 or 5 boys she regularly plays with.

I feel awkward. She came round 3 times this weekend and I covered for DD each time, but later found out what the other mum had done. It seems cruel - but do I really ride roughshod over DD, knowing how unhappy this girl makes her?

It's lovely that you want to but I wouldn't.

I would just go with what you are doing now. Don't force DD to be friends with someone, the girl has isolated herself with her behaviour, as mean as it seems she will have to learn to modify her behaviour and the other kids will let her back in.

I wouldn't go down the other Mum's route of outright banning playing. I think friendships are too fluid at this point. It also makes things incredibly difficult if yours goes through a stage of being the bossy one.

Why would you make your daughter spend time with someone who's so unkind to her? She very sensibly avoids this girl because of the girl's bad behaviour.

This is how people grow into horrible adults.

They aren't made to face the consequences of unacceptable behaviours as children and grow up thinking it's ok to be as mean as you want to people because they have to put up with it or others will make them.

The biggest favour you can do for kids is teach them actions have consequences.

What if they don't Insomnia?

Who will help then?

If someone tries now, it might save the girl and a lot of other people a lot of grief later on.

It takes a village and all that.

It sounds harsh, but its a valuable lesson for OG. Treat people badly and they wont want you around.

So now she'll have to change her behaviour if she wants people to like her.

indeed she will.

You know how we have threads about massively entitled people who think the world revolves around them and people go oh my god, how can someone be like that?...

well, this is how.

It isn't helping a child to try to make everything ok regardless what they do.

What's best is teaching a child how to get along, talking to them, doing roleplay, getting them to think and empathise. It doesn't happen by magic. If the girl isn't learning at home (which she clearly isn't), someone else needs to help.

Otherwise, she will feel more lonely, isolated and angry and her behaviour will worsen, driving others further away. She won't learn by being shunned.

It could all blow up in OP and her DD face if she interferes with the school, hence my advice. Esp more so in a 'village and all that' as you put it Hully.

It's not up to OP to help. The school will get involved themselves once the time comes.

Well, I've just collected DD from an after school club and the very first thing she said to me was "That was really good but OG was mean again"

I didn't know that OG was going to be there (surprised actually) and apparently it was all because the teacher approached DD and said something like "You haven't signed up for netball this term, will you change your mind? I'd like you to be in the team again" (he'd actually already asked me about it this morning and I'd told him that he needed to ask her) OG then said "it's not because you are any good, it's only because you're new" and called her a 'sneak'

So of course DD doesn't want to do netball.

However, that gives me a way to bring it up with the TA without looking as if I'm interfering. I do think I will, because if she carries on like this she'll be hated.

"It takes a village" means it takes a community to raise a child, btw

Does your dd want to do netball? Or has she just been put off by this girl's remarks? If so you should absolutely raise it with the school like you say.

If she didn't really want to do netball anyway, maybe let it pass. But if she calls round to play again, you now have ammunition: DD doesn't want to play with you because of the nasty remark you made about the netball team. You probably need to apologise and be very kind in school for a while as your behaviour was very upsetting.

I'd leave it alone. Talk to the school about the issues your dd is having with this girl, but they will already know that she has an issue with friendships and it's not up to you to suggest things to teachers about how they could do their job. They might already be working with her for all you know, so I don't think it will make you come across well to the school if you're new and you start making suggestions about a child they have known for years.

Letting them know that your dd is still having problems with her is enough to let them know that the issue is ongoing. And absolutely support your dd in not being friends with her, your dd needs her parents on her side as much as any other child does.

My Dsis was bullied at 13 and 14 by a girl she used to be friends with, this girl hated my Dsis having other friends, turned everyone against her, generally my Dsis's life a misery, school were useless.

One by one this girl managed to alienate everyone by being so horrible, that she had to move schools because people had turned on her.

DD says she doesn't want to do netball if she's no good, because everyone will laugh at her . I've pointed out that if she wasn't any good then the sports teacher wouldn't have asked her, because he wants to win matches (not that they have any matches ), but of course being 9 she's listening to OG not mum. Gah.

I'm annoyed now. DD will get over it, she'll go to the club and she'll probably play netball. But I'll remember what this girl did. She'll get short shrift from me the next time she knocks.

Poor DD. Feel so sorry for her. I hope she has fun at netball despite OG.

I'd be worried that the school don't actually know how nasty OG is being.

Could you have a word with netball teacher so he knows her confidence has been knocked? And mention the previous incidents as it is now targeted and sustained bullying.

I don't think the school are handling the situation with this girl at all well. It's not your or your DD's responsibility, but the school should be actively helping the child to fit in, not leaving her forlorn on the sidelines.

I'd speak to the teacher. The girl needs to learn that she can't bully children out of things they like.

Chances are she's being even nastier because she's aware that your DD is pulling away from her.

The school can't help fix it if they don't know it is ongoing. The comment about the netball is the ideal opportunity to bring it up.

The girl is already being punished, she has no friends. Your daughter has everything going for her, she should just ignore this girl.

Don't start making her life even more tough by squaring up to her yourself...gee.

Who is squaring up to her? Umm. Gee?

Chances are OG has no friends because she behaves to them as she behaved to Eve's DD. Which is by being nasty, cruel and vindictive. heir deciding they do not want to play with her is not a punishment but a natural consequence.
OG makes life tough for the other girls. They don't want to play with her either. It's not surprising.
Eve's DD is new to the school/area and is still settling in. She's suffered a few times because of OG.
Rebecca is making it sound as if OG is the victim to DD's "mean girl".
DD hardly has "everything going for her" if she's having a horrid time because of OG and is put off doing netball. What she has got in her favour is a DM who listens to her and tries to see both sides of the story while doing what is in her DD's best interest.

OG is not the victim here - but her victims have all decided they don't want to place themselves in a position where she can keep on being horrible to them - and I can't blame them.

Thank you Katie, that is very kind of you. We've been living here less than a year and DD has tried so hard to fit in with established friendship groups that the last thing she needs is people like OG making things harder. She is doing really really well, but it has been hard (on me as well - this mothering lark is hard )

Maki, I hear what you are saying but tbh I'm too annoyed at the mo to feel sorry for OG. Tomorrow I'm sure it will be different, but not tonight.