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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I'm just not cut out to be a mum

28 replies

TwosaCrowd · 12/01/2015 02:02

Everybody else seems to cope with the sleep deprivation but I just can't. I Have a 4 month old and a 3 year old, the 4 month old wakes 2-3 times a night, then the 3 year old is up at 6.30am and doesn't nap in the day. I Really really struggle to wake up in the morning. Ironic I know as it's 2am and I'm awake. I used to get up early to walk the dog before work and see to my horse before uni, so it's just having children I can't cope with.

I'm Currently inpatient on a mother and baby psychiatric ward as my post natal depression got so bad, but I'm scared that it's not illness, I'm just not cut out for this.

OP posts:

Doodlekitty · 12/01/2015 02:15

Its hard. I only have 1 (and 1 on the way) and ive thought the same. That's without post natal depression. You need to cut yourself some slack and allow yourself to get well.

Salemthecat · 12/01/2015 02:19

That is just your illness talking. When you get better (it doesn't feel like it now but you will) you'll be able to see that.

PotteringAlong · 12/01/2015 02:24

It is hard. I have a 3 year old and a 4 month old too. I have lowered my standards a lot since ds2 was born!

You are definitely cut out to be a mum - you are ill and you sought help, you've allowed yourself time to take that help and that's a really brave step.

You are ill. Post natal depression in all it's forms is tough but at it's worst it's horrific and I cannot imagine how tough it is for you. But you are a cracking mum because you care you might not be. If you weren't, you wouldn't care (does that make sense?).

BastardGoDarkly · 12/01/2015 02:33

You poor thing, firstly, you are cut out to be a mum, it's hard as hell with two and sleep deprivation, it's nothing like getting up early, as you get a solid block of sleep, it's exhausting, and you're not well!

You're going to come through this, and the baby will start sleeping for longer, try and take one day at a time, and be kind to yourself.

I hope you feel better soon.

IPityThePontipines · 12/01/2015 03:23

Baby-induced sleep deprivation is (IME) far harder than any other sort of sleep deprivation and I speak as someone who did shift work for years.

Please, please just concentrate on being well. It does get better and it does get easier, but it's ok to find it hard and it's ok to not enjoy it all the time.

GinGinGin · 12/01/2015 03:33

As pp have said, this is your illness talking not you. I have PND too and it can make you think all kinds of crazy, strange thoughts. My DD is 2 and wakes up ridiculously early so I understand about the sheer exhaustion. Sleep deprivation is a killer (the CIA use it as a form of torture!).

Please concentrate on getting well; you deserve to be well and enjoy your children

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 12/01/2015 03:47

Could any body have both children so you can get some sleep.

I think things will seem brighter.

You are cut out to be a mother it's the illness speaking

DoctorTwo · 12/01/2015 04:01

You are doing brilliantly. I have always been of the opinion that PND is the cruellest illness in that it robs you of life at at time you deserve to be at your happiest. Get well soon and accept this awkward hug from me

MinceSpy · 12/01/2015 04:22

You are in a period of mental unwellness due to PND and you are currently receiving inpatient psychiatric treatment. Tell your doctor how you feel and about your worries. Let them help you work through this difficult period and return to good health.

Gennz · 12/01/2015 04:42

I think a lot of people don't admit how hard the sleep deprivation is, or forget once they're not in the thick of it. DS is now 7 weeks and I've nearly nudged him on to one night wake up (at 3am ish) and I'm starting to feel sort of normal again. When he was 2 weeks he went through a 48 hour feeding binge, waking to be fed every 1.5 hours. I was beside myself (and I don't have a toddler or PND to cope with). I genuinely thought we had made a terrible, irrevocable mistake in having him. Once I got some sleep it all changed (for the better). Get well soon

Lamu · 12/01/2015 05:27

Well done for getting help and admitting you're struggling. First time round I didn't get help as soon as I should have. PND is horrendous.

I have a 3yr old and an 8 month old. I found the first few months the toughest especially when you're still doing night feeds. Now that dd is 8 months occasionally I have nights when I get a full 6 hours sleep and it's bliss.

Nolim · 12/01/2015 05:44

It is SOOOOOO hard to be a mum. And every one has a different parenting style so dont ferl bad about yours. And kudos for facing the situation and getting help :)

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 12/01/2015 05:50

I have also gotten up early for years to see to the horses, and done many years of night lambing - being up all night with the sheep and then having to do a normal day after.
And then I had children. I can tell you that NOTHING compares to baby/child induced sleep deprivation.
Add onto that being ill and it's no wonder you feel low.

But it will pass. You ARE cut out to be a mum. Just be nice to yourself :)

sugarplumpfairy · 12/01/2015 06:04

I am awake with an achey hip (waiting for a steroid injection!) these lovely responses could make me cry. My daughters are now 11 and 7 - struggle to get them up for school now! and I remember how hard it was with my first daughter. I didn't sleep for months and I didn't know what hit me and really struggled. It is refreshing to hear people being honest and it will pass - be kind to yourself and you ARE a great mum, please believe it xx

foreverton · 12/01/2015 06:23

My lovely sil struggled with pnd. On paper she had a great life but clearly she was depressed and struggling with 2 dc under 2.
Fast forward 2 years and she's doing amazing, she has a pt job, loves being a mum and with the help of medication she is coping extremely well(though I realise medication is not for everyone).
You're getting help which is great and the hardest part was probably writing your op.you will be absolutely fine.
Good luck, please be easy on yourself:) x

toomuchtooold · 12/01/2015 06:30

It's not only you OP. My twins are now nearly 3 so the early days of frequent night wakings are long gone but whenever they get ill and are up in the night I find myself questioning each and every life choice I ever made that led to me having kids. The sleep deprivation is total torture.

BendyMum15 · 12/01/2015 07:24

You are cut out to be a mum. The not sleeping bit is the hardest thing to deal with IMO.
I have a 3 year old DS and a 8 month old DD and the 8 month old seems allergic to sleep although is doing better now.
From birth until about 8 weeks DS hardly slept and I seriously doubted I could cope and I swore I would not have any more but I found you just cope. I co slept more with DD and am also less sleep training averse (swore blind I would never sleep train but with an earlier than planned return to work looming and having an hour drive each way to get there sleep training is my friend).
It does get easier and you have done the best thing for all of you by seeking help for your PND.

puntasticusername · 12/01/2015 07:41

I promise you, "everyone else" doesn't just cope with sleep deprivation. It's horrible. Worst thing I've ever gone through, no question. My children are lucky they are cute. Everyone just scrapes by as best they can!

BullshitS70 · 12/01/2015 07:51

I have to sleep in the day as am so exhausted, so I put on a DVD they love, turn it down really low, bring duvet for me and little ones downstairs and turn the lights out. LO watches the DVD, he knows to be quiet as Mummy needs a rest.

So, what you could do is tie that in with when your baby naps in the day, make it like a 'cinema' for your 3 yr old, give her popcorn (or not), baby is in bed, and you have a nap or at least a complete rest on the sofa. Its honestly better than nothing and gets me through. I do this on Mondays due to a tedious timetabling/juggling issues ie LO not in nursery basically today, so I am doing it today.

I have been doing variations of this for years for all my children, and I completely agree that baby induced lack of sleep is the worst. I spent over a year dazed and unable to have a proper conversation with another adult because I kept forgetting what we were talking about, but its better now, the kids are still small but not babies and it makes it easier

I hope you feel better soon and glad you are getting help. I swear getting enough sleep is vital to being able to cope each day

Marmiteandjamislush · 12/01/2015 08:11

YABU. You are a great Mum. You are just knackered. This is vile and you are allowed to feel as you do. Right, what can we do to help? Do you think that your 3 yo would respond to one of these our nearly 4yo understands his brother's and it has helped him to stay in bed like a 'big boy' alternatively, if they are in a bedroom by themselves could you leave some quiet toys in their room (different ones each night when you do your 'last check') obviously ones they already own. I watch what they have played with a lot during the day and exclude these from the rotation, as an element of novelty makes this more effective at keeping them in bed playing.

SugarFreeGruffaloCrumble · 12/01/2015 08:26

Another one here saying it's the illness talking. I said many similar things when in the depths of pnd. I packed my bags to leave dh and dd a number of times. It's so hard with long term sleep depression. You'll get through it. Try and use any family and friends support you can

SugarFreeGruffaloCrumble · 12/01/2015 08:27

Sleep deprivation

toomuchtooold · 12/01/2015 12:26

Also I'll probably get flamed for this but... mother and baby psychiatric ward - I'm sure it's great for some people who are having trouble bonding etc but as sleep deprivation is often a big contributing factor to PND I find it sad that there's no facility for having babies looked after by somebody else.

BeckyH1981 · 14/03/2015 00:50

Does anyone have any tips for a baby that wakes hourly through the night and will only sleep whilst being pushed in the buggy during the day? My little one has been doing this since he was 4 months old every night. He'll be 6 month old on Tuesday! Thanks

GuiltyAsAGirlCanBe · 14/03/2015 01:27

Babies are hard because they are just so relentless and unpredictable. The amount of times I have wept because just as I was dropping off, dd would wake.

You can look after your horse, because you see him/her then you can leave and do something else.

I used to work night shifts etc but at least you can go home after and sleep. There is no end in sight when you have a baby and it is soul destroying. Every mother on the planet wonders if they are up to it. I promise.

Have you read, "what mothers do - even when nobody is looking" by Naomi stadlen. It explores the feelings of inadequacy and negative thoughts we all have. It saved me as I realised I was not alone .

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