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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I just accept that this is my life now?

29 replies

ShiitakeMushrooms · 11/01/2015 23:11

I am a single Mum to 2 DC, I have no friends but I see family on a regular basis.

My family get together regularly and go out a lot but I can't attend as I have DC (both under 5).

It's my DP' anniversary soon and they are taking the whole family out for a night (it will be amazing) but again I know that I'm going to be in on my own watching shit TV.

I haven't got anyone who can babysit (all the family are going) and my DC are very clingy when I'm not near them, they wouldn't settle in bed and if they woke up during the night and I wasn't there they couldn't cope.

I'm in my late 20's and I'm saddened by my lack of time spent for myself and how much I am missing out on with my family.

I love my DC and I wouldn't change them for the world but I cannot help but feel that a night out with family would be amazing as I haven't been out since before they were born.

AIBU to feel this way or should I just suck it up and accept that this is my life now?

OP posts:
Millli · 11/01/2015 23:14

This is the way your life is at this moment but won't be like that forever. Sorry your feeling sad.Sad

ghostyslovesheep · 11/01/2015 23:14

why can't you take the kids?

ghostyslovesheep · 11/01/2015 23:15

also have you told your family how excluded you feel from events - maybe they don't realise

Original poster
ShiitakeMushrooms · 11/01/2015 23:16

Because they are going for a meal late and then going for drinks and then onto another venue. It's a night out for adults and no children.

OP posts:
TheDetective · 11/01/2015 23:16

I was like this 5 years ago. On my own, working FT... I felt the same.

I'm single again now, with an extra child and another on the way. I advertised for a babysitter on childcare.co.uk. And I found one! Charges £20-25 for the full evening.

Is that feasible for you? I intend to do it once or twice a month. I can't (don't want?!) afford it weekly.

I have a particularly challenging 2 year old, but it all went fine, and when he woke, he wasn't phased despite me being sure he would be.

IsItMeOr · 11/01/2015 23:17

Could their father help out for the night?

It is - in my book at least - okay to sometimes opt for a less-than-perfect option for your DCs if it means that you will retain your sanity. So maybe see whether you can do ghosty's option. Or look into sitters.co.uk?

MajesticWhine · 11/01/2015 23:18

Oh dear. No don't accept this. You can find a babysitter and get your children used to being left. If they are clingy and can't be left, that is a sure sign you need to do something about it. If not in time for the anniversary, then at least in the long run, so you can start having a social life and a bit of child free time.

Original poster
ShiitakeMushrooms · 11/01/2015 23:18

I have told them and they invite me over for the afternoon but because they go out so regularly at night that's when they tend to see most of the family and I would love to be there to see them and spend time with them as well.

OP posts:
Sundayplease · 11/01/2015 23:20

I know you you feel but the only answer is a babysitter. Your dc might like the novelty of it - mine do.

SparklyTwinkleGlitter · 11/01/2015 23:21

Nothing is ever permanent, everything changes.

I remind myself of this when I'm experiencing difficulties and it helps get me through it. I'm much older than you so my life experience so far confirms this statement to be true.

Try not to feel overwhelmed by your current state and definitely tell your family that you feel a bit left out of things and why. Maybe you could suggest things that you can do together that include your children?

Original poster
ShiitakeMushrooms · 11/01/2015 23:31

Their Father isn't involved through his own choice so that isn't an option I'm afraid.

I have said about getting a babysitter but my DM thinks that that would be cruel because of how clingy my DC are to me and she also thinks that they wouldn't cope with it. I could try it but my family would disagree with this and I would feel terribly guilty about doing it because of how they are but I also feel like I need a night out for myself so it's a difficult one.

We do do things with the children during the day which is lovely but it's nights out where my family are all together without me having a drink and a night out that I would love to join just to have a night to relax IYSWIM.

OP posts:
MajesticWhine · 11/01/2015 23:36

They would disagree with you having a babysitter? That sounds quite odd to me and very controlling. What about school? Could they not cope with that either? Do you not think they are are clingy because you don't go out?

slithytove · 11/01/2015 23:37

Could you cultivate a regular babysitter so the kids become ok? E.g. Get her there in the day, do an evening where you both put them to bed?

Maybe a waste of money but if your kids trusted another adult it could really free you up.

Gautami · 11/01/2015 23:38

No, you can change this. Start arranging family things that involve your dc's. An afternoon at a nice park, lunches out at a family friendly restaurant etc.

Save for a babysitter. You could drive to the next night out and just drink soft drinks when you're there. This will get you started and you can still be 'on call' for the first time you leave the kids in case you do need to go home early (you won't).

Also, are your kids at nursery/school? invite other mums round/out for coffee or play area with kids too. You'll find friends, but you might have to take the initiative.

Gautami · 11/01/2015 23:41

oops, cross posts.

It's not up to your mum how you bring up your kids - its up to you.

Another alternative though - can you invite family round to yours for drinks/food in the evening after the kids have gone to bed?

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 11/01/2015 23:41

Great idea re: babysitter. Even if you don't use it to go to family events, it would've great to give you a break.

LaLyra · 11/01/2015 23:45

Are either of your children at nursery? A number of the nursery staff at my DS's nursery do evening babysitting. The familiar face really helps DS with me leaving. In fact the last time he practically kicked me out of the door!

Also it's not your mother's call. It's not a bad thing to get children used to being babysat. Yes, the first time you'll hate it and they might not like it, but I'm sure the first time they tried to walk and fell down they weren't too keen on it!

Millli · 11/01/2015 23:48

Its lovely that you are close to your family Smile Do you not like the idea of meeting people and making new friends or does it just not happen.

BIWI · 11/01/2015 23:55

I'm sorry, but you have to stop your family doing this to you.

You deserve time to go out, and you certainly deserve to be able to go to family parties.

Find a reputable babysitting agency and sign up with them, if you can't find anyone local to you that will babysit.

I bet your parents went out and left you with a babysitter!

coffeeandcalpol · 11/01/2015 23:55

Are your children in school/nursery, many nursery staff do babysitting as extra income so they would be familiar to your dcs, if it's financially feasible you could try to introduce a babysitter to them over time, with you there to start with, it also sounds like socialising outside your family could be good for you, do you go to any groups with dcs, or know people from work etc that you could socialise with? I sympathise, have massive admiration for single parents, it can be so hard

Original poster
ShiitakeMushrooms · 11/01/2015 23:58

My DM can be very judgemental and so can a lot of my family, they have no problem expressive their opinion and this is something that they don't agree with because they think that it's cruel, I have mentioned it a couple of times with the same outcome.

I have invited them over to my home but I have a very small house and I would struggle to fit them all in so it never happens.

My eldest goes to nursery 5 days a week and loves it, it's my youngest that I am more worried about as I cannot leave him anywhere without him screaming for me to come back.

I think that I will look into babysitting, how do I find a reliable babysitter who I can trust with my DC as I don't know anyone? Is sitters.co.uk a good website to use? I think that the idea of having a babysitter here beforehand whilst I am here with the DC is a good idea so thank you for that suggestion.

I talk to the Mums at the Nursery and I go to baby groups with my youngest but everyone seems to have there own social circle and don't like to bring anyone else in IYSWIM, a Mum who is in a group the I attend said that she was in the exact same situation as I am now until she invited a friend to come along to the group with her. She said that if that friend didn't attend the group with her she would stop going as everyone doesn't want to introduce new friends which is exactly how it is unfortunately.

Thank you for your kind replies, they are really easing my mind about getting a babysitter and are making me feel less guilty about wanting some time to myself.

OP posts:
BIWI · 12/01/2015 00:00

Take charge! They are your children. You know what's best. But you also need to realise that you are important too, and you deserve some time off for yourself.

olympicsrock · 12/01/2015 00:00

I have a trick for ds age 3 when he is clingy. I tell him that the babysitter will bring him chocolate buttons and that if he is good he will be allowed to eat them the next day. Means he is really keen for the sitter to come and goes out like a light....

Original poster
ShiitakeMushrooms · 12/01/2015 00:01

I never thought about asking the nursery staff if they do babysitting as well, it would be fantastic if they did because my eldest has settled in well considering the amount of times I have had to pick him up because he wouldn't settle in the beginning.

OP posts:
Gautami · 12/01/2015 00:14

BIWI has a good point. Ask your mum what she did when you were young re babysitting.

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