To be thoroughly fed up of people telling me to "just be positive"?

[RoastitBubblyJocks]

Honestly, I'm at my wits' end, and I'm contemplating ditching one of my oldest friends and my DM

DH and I had a bit of a rubbish 2014. DH was diagnosed with Rheumatoid arthritis and some related complications last June, he's early 30s. It was a sudden onset and he has a fairly manual job (engineer) so has been off work. A few weeks later we got a letter from the maintenance people from our apartment block saying there is significant essential work that needs to be done to the building. The costs will split between everyone. We have no choice but to pay this, we've looked into it.

So a bit of a double-whammy. DH is trying to get back to work and see what he can manage. It has now been confirmed the building work will cost 5-10k per apartment.

My friend just text me to "just be positive and don't worry about it, nothing is unmanageable!". She has been saying this for months. In fact, she told me a few months ago that she thinks this has happened to us because I'm not positive enough about life. I want to fucking punch her. Positive thinking doesn't make money appear, or cure arthritis, to my knowledge. And he's most likely to get worse, not better. We need to deal with that IMO, not pretend it isn't happening.

Whilst speaking to my mum about the building work, she also said to be positive, because "a lot can change in a year". I asked "like what? DH is only likely to have his salary go down because he can only manage reduced hours/jobs. My salary won't go up by more than a few hundred pounds per year for the next 5-10 years, so what might change to make this not a problem?" Her answer: "you might win the lottery". Right. Let's all pin our hopes on that.

Seriously, AIBU? I've had enough. I am meant to be going to my friend's house next weekend for two nights and I want to cancel. I get no support from her, just stupid suggestions, then she gets irate if I say that won't work because she's " giving me solutions and I'm just giving her obstacles". FWIW, her solution was for DH to stop taking his medication because "pain is a state of mind"

I hear you. Sometimes you don't feel positive and being TOLD you should be is incredibly irritating. If I were you I would do something positive and that would be to dump your friend.
sorry to hear about your DH

Ditch the friend.

She sounds like a walking ecard.

What's stopping me so many friends have drifted in the last few months because they don't know what to say/do. If I ditch this one too I'll not have anyone left.

But I think this might be worse than nothing, in a way.

Hello

My DH was also diagnosed with RA last year he is 41. He started treatment with methotrexate and dispite making him feel crap for a day he has significantly noticed a reduction in his flares. Has your DH started treatment yet?

As for the money demand have you had copies of the accounts ref the management charge they collect as they should have provisos for such repairs. I'd check the articles of the management do too about what is deemed essential and whether they have to get everyone's agreement to check they really can make you pay with little notice. They should have formal arrangements in place.

Sorry your having a shitty time.

Well, seeing the glass half full or half empty doesn't change the situation, but it does change how you deal with it.

Take that as you will.

Empty 'positivity' is overrated and possibly the most irritating thing anyone could say to you ever in a difficult situation.

Keeping yourself well, keeping your head down and just carrying on putting one foot in front of the other is the only way to get through some situations.

You need no more stress in your life at the moment. She's causing you stress. Don't go. Do something else for yourself instead.

You could ask your friend if she broke her leg would that pain be a state of mind!

some people just cant help themselves, can they, I hate all the be positive rubbish...why cant people just acknowledge life can be shit at times

They need a slap. Somtimes you kneed to be able to have someone agree that everything sucks.

Don't go next weekend, she will drive you potty and you could do without the aggravation. I'd be tempted to tell her why as well, without getting irate, but just telling her straight that exhorting you to "look on the bright side" isn't actually helping you at a very difficult time.

Some people can't handle their friends feeling unhappy and just don't seem to understand how to be supportive. I don't think its that she doesnt care, but just doesnt understand how to support someone going through a hard time or isn't able to.
You are obviously supporting your DH through this difficult time and that can be emotionally draining. You need someone to talk to about it, but sadly it sounds like your friend is not able to provide that support. MN can be a great place to find support actually and you might find some help about financial matters here too. Then you might be able to keep your friend as someone to have a laugh with and just forget your troubles for a couple of days. But if you want to put off your visit for now that might be the best thing to do.

Some people just don't know how to be supportive. People are also very ignorant about arthritis! You must prioritise yourself and your DH, and if you don't feel like seeing your friend right now, cancel.

Has your DH spoken to Arthritis Care? They have a good helpline and will send out good information leaflets too. Not a magic solution of course, but something to make you feel less alone.

Give yourself time to adjust to your new situation.

And YANBU at all

A friend suddenly got RA very badly last year and was in a lot of pain. Her GP suggested the exclusion diet because she wasn't keen to be on medication for the rest of her life.
If she sticks to the diet the severe pain and joint swelling disappear and she can continue working long hours.

Might be worth trying?

FWIW, the friends I kept through my very, very difficult times were the ones that hardly ever referred to the situation I was in.

A quick ask maybe, but just going out to a gig, shopping, life as normal was what I needed, not someone to say something to make me feel better - because there was nothing anyone could do or say to make the shit situation better. It was shit. No bones about it.

The best friends in those times enabled part of me to carry on living that was entirely separate from the part of me that was enmeshed in the horrible stuff. And that living, partying, fun bit of me shored up the broken, empty hearted, worn out bit.

Sure, there were some practicalities involved around timings etc that had to be acknowledged (I was caring very young for a parent with cancer) but after that stuff was out of the way I just needed to be me again.

The BF that stuck by me through all that died suddenly 4 years after that bad patch; I love her dearly and miss her every day.

I'm 29 and have arthritis, on a flare up I'm in tears due to the pain.

Mine is in my knees and I suspect it's now gone to my ankles.

No amount of possive thinking will change this.

Due you own the property, if not then move. No way would I pay up to £10k on improving some else investment.

Thanks Sparkle he's started his treatment, was steroids first but 4 months ago they added methatraxate too now they're running down the steroids gradually with the hope it'll just be the MTX long term. He's better than he was, still gets (what seem to be random) flare-ups, wish we knew what triggers them!

Thanks for all the posts, you're right in that I just want her to agree it's shit then move on and talk about something else! I've tried to say things like "it's okay, we don't need to talk about it" but she insists she's a solutions person.

I think I will cancel. I'll just say something like I know she'll end up frustrated so best to postpone a while.

Sorry lots of cross-posts! Paxtecum what's the exclusion diet? What foods do you exclude? That sounds interesting. He'll try anything.

AwfulOmission I'm so sorry to hear about your friend, life can be so cruel. for you.

Your friend sounds like a bellend. Go to her house and flick her in the face and then when she says "ow" just say "Pain is a state of mind, man!" Then walk out and never go back.

Sorry about all your horrible luck. I hope things do get better for you soon.

I think you should have a chat with your GP. Tell her how you feel and see if she has any recommendations.

My DH was dx with psoriasis and arthritic joints but he's gone on an exclusive alkaline diet and is much better.

Also he's been dx with dangerously high cholesterol even though he's healthy weight etc, but he's on a diet with supplements for that too.

Don't underestimate the effect your DHs health has on yours.

I take St John's wort to ease me over the stressful times and also lemon balm and hops with valerian at night if I'm too wound up over caffeinated! to sleep. I also take a lot of vitamin B complex and magnesium, and I try and stay off the sugar.

If I was you, I'd try and move. And not see your friend for a while, until I have my head straight, and can cope with banalities.

Have a chat with your GP, and I know it sounds trite, but try and remember the things to feel grateful for, make a list of 5 in your journal every night. See if something shifts in your outlook.

Oh btw

How utterly infuriating. How about going over to your friend's and asking if she can give you 2K towards the repairs? When she says she can't afford it, just reply 'Oh but I'm SURE that if you just think positively, you won't even miss it! Don't be so negative! Just transfer the money, think positively and all will be well!'

Thanks OP. I am a veteran of the 'just getting through, fuck positivity' mode.

Your friend's need for 'solutions' is her need, not yours. I'd swerve her until she starts really listening to you.

I hate this too. It's their way of saying 'I don't want to hear about your moaning.' Sometimes you just need someone to say 'yup. That's really shitty.'

Unfortunately we bought the apartment 2 years ago, so the bill is ours. We could sell and move but we'd still be liable for the costs, as we're on notice now.

Venus thanks, I feel as though I'm coping okay, just plodding on, accepting this is just some of the stuff life throws you. Although it's very possible that I'm not coming across as good as I hope. I do feel like my world has shrank considerably in the last 6 months, a lot of the stuff I used to do; running, out for dinner, nights out etc I haven't done much of and I'm acutely aware that I have very little to say that's worth listening to these days. People tend to just talk over me, I'm noticing it a lot recently.

DH is googling the alkaline diet as we speak!