To be thoroughly fed up of people telling me to "just be positive"?

[RoastitBubblyJocks]

Honestly, I'm at my wits' end, and I'm contemplating ditching one of my oldest friends and my DM

DH and I had a bit of a rubbish 2014. DH was diagnosed with Rheumatoid arthritis and some related complications last June, he's early 30s. It was a sudden onset and he has a fairly manual job (engineer) so has been off work. A few weeks later we got a letter from the maintenance people from our apartment block saying there is significant essential work that needs to be done to the building. The costs will split between everyone. We have no choice but to pay this, we've looked into it.

So a bit of a double-whammy. DH is trying to get back to work and see what he can manage. It has now been confirmed the building work will cost 5-10k per apartment.

My friend just text me to "just be positive and don't worry about it, nothing is unmanageable!". She has been saying this for months. In fact, she told me a few months ago that she thinks this has happened to us because I'm not positive enough about life. I want to fucking punch her. Positive thinking doesn't make money appear, or cure arthritis, to my knowledge. And he's most likely to get worse, not better. We need to deal with that IMO, not pretend it isn't happening.

Whilst speaking to my mum about the building work, she also said to be positive, because "a lot can change in a year". I asked "like what? DH is only likely to have his salary go down because he can only manage reduced hours/jobs. My salary won't go up by more than a few hundred pounds per year for the next 5-10 years, so what might change to make this not a problem?" Her answer: "you might win the lottery". Right. Let's all pin our hopes on that.

Seriously, AIBU? I've had enough. I am meant to be going to my friend's house next weekend for two nights and I want to cancel. I get no support from her, just stupid suggestions, then she gets irate if I say that won't work because she's " giving me solutions and I'm just giving her obstacles". FWIW, her solution was for DH to stop taking his medication because "pain is a state of mind"

Sorry you're having a shit time and YANBU. Sometimes saying that something is crap is not being negative, it's being realistic - why do people have to bang on with the shiny, happy, bullshit positive vibe thing when it doesn't apply, I don't think it's as healthy as people assume and comes across as fake?

I'm all for looking at the bright-side, making your own fortune, not being a drainer etc but IT IS okay to acknowledge and sympathise if someone is having a hard time and let them blow off a little whinge and move-on - to gloss over it is belittling someones feelings and extremely frustrating.

I hate this too. It's their way of saying 'I don't want to hear about your moaning.' Sometimes you just need someone to say 'yup. That's really shitty.''

This. With bells on. Get new friends.

Yanbu.

Sorry you've had/are having such a crap time.

Just to give you a different perspective (which you may not like).

Some peoples way of giving support, is to offer lots of solutions. Sometimes it is a case of not wanting to hear other people's moaning, because it wears you down and the other persons negativity is just draining.

If you don't want her to give you solutions, then it's best just to tell her that.

Maybe she finds you really negative and the only way she can handle it, is to stay positive and solution focused.

I have a friend who,has had a really shite year, but she never, ever comes up with any sort of solutions and is really negative when any of us offer any sort of solutions. We have all got to a stage where we are sick of hearing her moaning about her situation, but will never see anything positive or any solutions. Her negativity just drains everyone, so we do end up avoiding her or just change the subject when she goes over the same old ground again.

Maybe you are not suited as friends, due to your very fundamental differences.

Hi RoastitBubblyJocks,

Sorry for all your difficulties. I was like your friend. It took me a long time my Mum did not want me to come up with solutions she just wanted me to listen. I finally got there :) Hope your friend will too.

Regarding the RA: do you have a support group nearby? My husband has a condition and finding a support group was so great. They might also have some hints what worked for them even if it can be individual at least something to start by.

Sending you hugs and you are entitled to feel sad about sad things.

'In fact, she told me a few months ago that she thinks this has happened to us because I'm not positive enough about life.'

Ditch the fucker.

Lucy it's fine to offer solutions, but if those solutions are ridiculous because you don't understand the situation then eventually they just get really bloody annoying. And the person with the situation just end up going "that won't work " and then the solution person gets annoyed that you aren't taking their advice.

For example, DH and I have no children yet, and for as long as he's on the drugs he is on (so possibly forever) we won't be able to. My friend's solution was "just get him to get his sperm frozen". Well, we can't do that because he'd need to be off the drugs for at least 6 months before he would be able to do that, and he can't stop the drugs because he'd be in pain and certain organs wouldn't function properly and he'd end up in hospital with serious issues.

Yet not agreeing to go straight to the clinic and get his currently dangerous sperm frozen is me not taking the solution I've been offered.

DP has RA and when the flares first started and for a good while after diagnosis it was all pretty scary. Watching someone you love in pain is horrendous. It's such an unknown and you can't help but fear for the future. I still get the total wobbles about it sometimes.

But after a while it is less shit because it becomes the status quo. We live with it. And I do say we because it affects the whole family when DP can't drive, can't get dressed independently, can't sleep due to pain etc. The meds help the pain, but the nausea is woeful.

In terms of positivity- well generally we are positive but it comes naturally. We cope with most shit with inappropriate humour. It works for us. If that's not your thing then nothing anyone can say will change you. But it does no harm to tell yourself that research is ongoing (it is), that treatment has improved massively over the last 20 years (it has) and will continue to do so (it will) and therefore your DH is not going to suffer the sorts of problems seen in older RA patients these days (he won't).

I second the diet by the way, makes a big difference.

Which diet DogsCats ? The alkaline one or the exclusion one?

Exclusion. In fact it wasn't something we'd read up on but one year decided to get healthier and gave up lots of things for Lent (complete non-believers but was a good time) and it really, really helped.

I don't know if this correlates strictly with the exclusion diet but no chocolate, crisps, sweets, alcohol, fizzy drinks and minimal meat intake definitely lessened the symptoms. We need to get back on it so I'll be researching further shortly. Also, winter in this country is just horrific. Join a gym with a sauna and jacuzzi!

I don't know if this correlates strictly with the exclusion diet but no chocolate, crisps, sweets, alcohol, fizzy drinks and minimal meat

Hmmm, this makes up about half his diet Although he reckons the exclusion diet appeals more than the alkaline one so we'll try it first.

Thank you so much for all the tips everyone

yes, go exclusion and think positive thoughts

I had sudden onset psoriatic arthritis (symptoms very similar to RA but inflammation doesn't show up in blood tests so takes a long time to diagnose!) to go with my ulcerative colitis (also an auto immune disease). I take methotrexate for both and it's definitely helped my arthritis but does take a few months to kick in properly. There are other drugs available to try if this doesn't help.

With regard to diets - you'll get all sorts of 'if you do this diet then you'll be cured' thrown at you and your DH, as well as the usual aloe vera 'cures' and various other quack stuff. Diets can sometimes help but are NOT a cure. Sometimes flares come for no reason at all. The paleo diet is a fairly easy one to follow if you wanted to try one. Experimenting with cutting out gluten (which is in rye and barley too, not just wheat), dairy and brewer's yeast (found in a surprising amount of things) are good places to try. Definitely cut out carbonated drinks, heavily processed foods and smoking (if he smokes). Alcohol is best avoided when on methotrexate as it can damage the liver (I have to come off mine every now and then due to liver damage, despite not drinking). Good luck :)

As for the building costs - are you able to pay over a fixed term for the work? Sounds like an awful lot of work that needs doing - has poor maintenance contributed to it being such a major job? If so you might be able to take this up with the building management?

I want to punch people in the face when they tell me to think positively. It just doesn't help in the slightest. Twats.

Don't have any comment to make re. DH's condition- sounds like I know about the same as your 'friend's no her comments have been less than useful....!

Re. the issue with the building, is it something that has been coming for a long time or a sudden issue? Did you have a Building Survey done before the purchase? If you did you may be able to explore the possibility of making a claim against your surveyor's PI cover, if it's an problem they should have picked up during inspection of the property.

If this isn't an option I could look at minimising costs across the board- asking if the job has been scoped and tendered appropriately to ensure that the costs are reasonable. If your DH is an engineer he may know someone who could run their eye over the schedule and see if it's above board? If it's subsidence then also make sure that all options re. Buildings Insurance have been explored. I'm sure you've already considered these angles though, sorry for being as unhelpful as problem creator solver friend.

Also don't go this weekend- tell her DH has had a flare up and you can't leave him even though he's been thinking very positively all week.

Hi StilleNacht for you. Yes it seems like the flares are coming for no reason here too. He is not a smoker and he's not even had a pint since this happened as he can't imagine how much worse he'd feel in the mornings if he had a hangover to contend with too! Plus his poor liver from the steroids and methatrexate, so it's just not worth it.

But he can definitely cut down on fizzy drinks! And cook more healthy meals. We bought lots of wholemeal pasta/rice, carrots, broccoli, fish and pears today. Will see how we get on with this exclusion diet!

CraicDealer . great name! Thanks for the tips, the building is insured by the maintenance company then premiums are split. It's restoration work that needs done, they have tendered for it and gone for the cheapest, although the cheapest said the costs may increase once they get stuck into it We did get 2 surveys done before we bought it but neither picked up on it, so worth pursuing perhaps. We can pay up front or 12 monthly payments.

I may be barking up the wrong tree but a lot of people hear "rheumatoid arthritis" and think of osteoarthritis, the 'wear and tear' type that is common as you age rather than the autoimmune disease that causes systemic inflammation.

There is no evidence to demonstrate that diet has any role to play in altering the function of the immune system, despite what some people claim. However, keeping your weight down and following a healthy diet will promote energy and help manage fatigue.

I do believe there is a role for positive thinking in helping you through tough times but sometimes, you need sympathy and a caring ear, not being told to effectively 'think it away'.

I don't know if it gets easier because you learn to adapt or it just gets easier 'cause it does but things have eased up as time has passed. My disease is very aggressive and destructive, yet as each year passes, I learn to take it in my stride. It keeps me going.

I am full of sympathy. I have joint pain issues. No diagnosis yet but assumed fibromyalgia (one doctor since I reached adulthood willing to put me forward for tests!). I have no clue what lies in my future but if I have what my mum, nan and uncle all have causing the pain then I have to plan for that and the corresponding treatment. It really pisses me off when people tell me to cheer up, stop being pessimistic about the future, stop taking so many painkillers, etc.

Its definitely worth considering a change in diet or an exclusion diet for a while. I gave up gluten a few years ago and its been a massive help for me. I can have small amounts of it again now too but generally avoid it. Of helped with my other symptoms more than the pain, but the pain lessened a few months after I stopped eating it. You do need to research diet thoroughly though, cutting things out before researching what you need to make up and what things are hidden in foods will lead to a stressful time!

I second joining a gym with sauna and steam room. It is so helpful! I had massages every week at a 'cheap' clinicwhen we had the spare cash. That helped too!

Do not ditch your friend, she is just trying to be nice and doesn't know what else to say. It sounds to me like you're having a really tough time and sharing this with your friends and family,but then getting annoying at their platitudes. My advice would be to stop sharing with them, keep it to yourself/immediate family/someone who can actually do something to help. Instead enjoy time with your friends talking about hobbies, films, the news, kids etc etc. You will both have a better time together.

Do not ditch your friend, she is just trying to be nice and doesn't know what else to say

I disagree. A friend has had (for different reasons to the OP) a pretty bad couple of years with no prospect of things improving any time soon. Empty platitudes from people who aren't in her position and with no clue how she is trying her very best to cope do not help. In fact I would say that they make things worse.

Just listening without trying to fix the unfixable would be better.

Fellow arthritis sufferer here, if you and your DP want kids look into azathioprine instead of methotrexate. Expecting my second child atm and have been on azathioprine and humira throughout. On iPad so can't type much now, but will try and check back tomorrow on my laptop so can reply properly.

I'd cut her out, she's not adding anything positive to your life and is genuinely dragging you further down when you're already near the bottom. She is a negative influence. She is not a friend. She offers no support or advise, just blaming you and your husband for not having supernatural abilities to cure diseases and bring money to yourselves with the power of your mind. She is stupid. Leave her be. One day something bad will happen to her and she'll learn that nobody has those abilities, we are not gods.

It may be hard cutting out toxic people when you're concerned that there will be nobody left but you can't move forward with dead weights hanging around your neck like a noose. New people will come into your life as you carry on and those who accept you and your husband as you are now will be true friends.

You deserve people who will listen to, understand and support you. You need positive people in your life, not negative idiots spouting meaningless platitudes about positivity that they don't understand.

It does actually feel like a very negative influence, yes. Ironic given that she harps on about positivity!

I texted her back last night after her third "just stay positive!" text in as many hours explaining that sometimes positivity is useless and it's better to accept the situation you're in and deal with it, rather than bury your head in the sand and sit and let it get worse by ignoring it. She texted back "well that's another way to go through life too!!!".

Whatever. She's shutting down the conversation. She doesn't want me to talk about it. Which is fine as I don't want to talk about it with her. So I think I'll just keep my distance until I'm less annoyed with her and I'm able to just chat about banal shite.

People say stupid things. The only thing my BIL could say to me after seeing his brother (my husband) 2 weeks before he died was that "he was looking chirpy" I could have hit him. People may well say be positive but you know these things are horrible to live with and you rely on your friends to support you sensibly through these things.

the trouble with folk like her who like to tell you to stay positive is that they sap the life out of you, which is the least positive thing they can do!

reminds me of a woman I knew who told everyone she was "a people person".....she rubbed just about everyone up the wrong way...