To feel quite hurt that my siblings & their partners haven't offered to babysit in 4 years?

[evelynj]

I think I am a bit but have been feeling quite down lately & found out today that sil has babysat her brothers newborn baby so he & partner could go out-(dh & I haven't been out alone together in years apart from a night away at a friends funeral earlier this year). It has had me in tears & feeling a bit pissed off at my family.

We moved home from another country when dc1 was 1 & my father was ill (moved from dh's country where his family are so just my side for support network) & my parents are great & look after dc2 3 mornings a week while I work & dc1 is at school. I don't like to ask them to do more as they have their own lives but would love to have something to look forward to ever, & go for a meal, drinks, theatre or see a film with dh. We actually said the other day we need to find a babysitter & get out as it's taking it's toll. It's hard to know where to start to look for one if you don't know someone suitable.

In the last 4 years, my siblings & their partners have taken dc1 out for an ice cream or to the shops for an hour or two occasionally when dh is at work but never offered to babysit any evening or time I could spend with dh. Dc2 is 18 months & both sleep through thankfully so are no trouble. I feel annoyed because db & sil were so eager to be named as guardian on event of our deaths & yet haven't really been involved that much in dcs lives.

I've not once asked any of them to babysit as they all have their hobbies & go out a lot to different things but none of them have ever offered either-they live a couple of miles away.

AIBU to be annoyed about this or should I expect them to want to help me & my family out occasionally. Should I just ask them if they'd babysit even though I feel awkward & uncomfortable?

Just ask! How on earth are they supposed to know you want them to babysit?

Yes, ask them. If it's a problem for them they can say no.

YABTotallyU because you haven't asked them.

I think you may feel hurt but you have free childcare on a weekly basis from family, that's quite a lot !

Pay for a babysitter - look and ask around. I don't ask mine as I prefer to pay and not owe anything to anyone and don't expect anything from anyone. It's easier long term.

I can see your point but I do think yabu. If you want/need them to ask them. I'm sure they'll be willing to give you a night off. Try not to take it to heart and please don't be upset. Why not text and say "hi, dh and I would love a night on , just wondered if you could have/come babysit the dc for us, I'll make sure there's snacks in and we'd be really grateful to get some time together. x"

Open your mouth and ask them!

I take it they don't have children? Not sure I'd want them babysitting my newborn/young children for extended periods in that case. I'm thinking of my childless BILs and SILs here, wouldn't leave them with mine for 30 mins! Maybe yours are different though.

What do they say when you ask?

My brothers and their partners never offer to babysit either, nor do I offer to babysit for them. If any of us need a sitter we ask. I wouldn't offer because it would feel like I was forcing them to go out on a date of my choosing.

Ask them!!!!

YABU!!

People don't just randomly offer to babysit.

Nobody offers to have my DS but I know they'd all say yes if I actually asked them.

Sorry but I actually find your post quite frustrating.

You haven't asked them, so how would they know that you want them to.
There's a huge thread posted a few days ago where a MIL is upset because her DIL doesn't want to leave her DC with her for overnights - perhaps they just assume you don't want them to babysit.

Also if they are named as guardians for your DCs it is worth them getting to know them better just in acase anything happens.

My sister has no children works part time and NEVER offers to babysit. I have a full time job and do all the caring for our blind mother who has loads of health problems. I moved to be closer to help my mum as I k ew my sister wouldn't care for her properly. I hear what your saying. Hurts me too.

Schokolade - I remember babysitting for my BF and her DH before I had DS. Between her DH and I we managed to construct a flow chart about what to do if her DD woke up. It went something like this:

DD cries
Leave her for a few moments and see if she stops
DD still crying
Check that everything still ok in cot
DD still crying
Check that nappy is not soaking or pooey
DD still crying
Heat her up expressed milk and feed her (separate flow chart for this)
DD still crying
Wind her
DD still crying
CALL PARENTS

You get free childcare from your parents, your siblings have taken ds out for a couple of hours and agreed to be guardians should anything happen. Sounds OK to me. Just source a paid babysitter or do sitting swaps with friends and that's your problem sorted.

Why can't you pay a sitter given you have free childcare already in the week.

Your choice to have children not theirs. Perhaps they are enjoying their freedom before they have their own.

How often do you do things for them?

We look after my nephew and niece a lot, I've never offered though, I assume I will be asked as and when needed and if I am able, I will. Same goes for when I need a sitter. You need to ask!! and as they do actually look after one of your dc 3 times a week you can hardly accuse them of not showing an interest!

You are being incredibly unreasonable!

You need to ask if you want them to help you more, but you should also try and appreciate that in terms of family support, you're amongst the lucky ones by having 3 days a week free grandparent care.

or should I expect them to want to help me & my family out occasionally.

Do you get urges to do something helpful for them occasionally? Do you call them to offer them your time? Because if you don't, you really can't expect them to offer do you random favours just because you have children.

Try www.sitters.co.uk or ask at school if anyone knows any good babysitters.

Well my family haven't really offered either but they live 200 miles away!

I have asked them though, if they would mind for a couple of hours while DH and I have a meal or whatever. They always say yes.

Ask them instead of getting upset about something they probably haven't given a single thought to. Unless they have children of their own, they wouldn't have considered offering.

Thanks all for replies. I would happily pay someone but don't know anyone-siblings have no children & my parents are fab.

For other things that I've asked, e.g when pg if someone could help move a heavy item of furniture, there's always hmm, I have to be somewhere that night etc-they all have little clubs that they go to & fill their days & evenings & I guess I've felt that it would be a hassle to them, although they are all kind people & involved in community etc.

I guess I'm just feeling a bit bitter all of a sudden as fed up & feel like I've no life & particularly put out at sil as she's looking after new niece & always assumed they all just weren't comfortable with babysitting. From my point of view if my siblings had children & I knew they never got to go out with their spouse anymore, I would offer & say anytime you guys want a few hours out, let me know & Id be happy to babysit-I've not had this from family or friends. Maybe is as much my issue about asking for help & even if they did say yes I'd feel indebted & would rather pay someone so will put more effort into looking for a sitter.

Perhaps they know you are on Mumsnet and are afraid they might be accused of being interfering and wanting to steal your thunder/ tell you how to bring up your children!

Just ask them, if I need a babysitter I send a txt to my 2 dbros, dsis and my mum and see who's available! One of them nearly always is, I'm sure if u asked them then they would! I do get what you mean though, it would be nice to have someone offer, but some people just aren't thoughtful like that. Hope you manage to find some time to go out with your dh soon

Do you consistently offer favours and services to your siblings? Lifts for a night out so they can drink and save on taxi costs? - same as them babysitting to save you babysitting costs

Sorry, but its another yabvu from me.

If you really wanted to go out surely you would have found a babysitter.

I have never volunteered to babysit my nephews or nieces and my siblings didnt ever offer to look after mine. I Love them to bits but I don't want to babysit for them. I'm happy to help if there was an emergency and I like doing the fun auntie things but I don't want to babysit. It's not an issue for anyone in my family.

My children are 18&20 now, neither my siblings or my parents have ever babysat them, or taken them out for the day, ever. PILs have done it once, for 3 days, so I could have major surgery.

I've looked after ever single one of my sister's children, right from being babies, they have been to stay for a week here and a week there, my parents have looked after them since her eldest was less than a week old. PILs have had plenty of time for both SILs DC, but never anytime for ours.

It did get frustrating at times, I dislike my parents Immensely for their unfairness and the fact they didn't want a relationship with my DC, but DH and I sourced our own babysitter and paid them when we wanted to go out.