To feel quite hurt that my siblings & their partners haven't offered to babysit in 4 years?

[evelynj]

I think I am a bit but have been feeling quite down lately & found out today that sil has babysat her brothers newborn baby so he & partner could go out-(dh & I haven't been out alone together in years apart from a night away at a friends funeral earlier this year). It has had me in tears & feeling a bit pissed off at my family.

We moved home from another country when dc1 was 1 & my father was ill (moved from dh's country where his family are so just my side for support network) & my parents are great & look after dc2 3 mornings a week while I work & dc1 is at school. I don't like to ask them to do more as they have their own lives but would love to have something to look forward to ever, & go for a meal, drinks, theatre or see a film with dh. We actually said the other day we need to find a babysitter & get out as it's taking it's toll. It's hard to know where to start to look for one if you don't know someone suitable.

In the last 4 years, my siblings & their partners have taken dc1 out for an ice cream or to the shops for an hour or two occasionally when dh is at work but never offered to babysit any evening or time I could spend with dh. Dc2 is 18 months & both sleep through thankfully so are no trouble. I feel annoyed because db & sil were so eager to be named as guardian on event of our deaths & yet haven't really been involved that much in dcs lives.

I've not once asked any of them to babysit as they all have their hobbies & go out a lot to different things but none of them have ever offered either-they live a couple of miles away.

AIBU to be annoyed about this or should I expect them to want to help me & my family out occasionally. Should I just ask them if they'd babysit even though I feel awkward & uncomfortable?

Yabu. You can't blame anyone other than yourselves for not having a night out. If you want a night out, ask a family member or friend, or pay for a babysitter. Google or find them on fb pages.

Thanks for replies &fairycaravan, that sounds harsh & hurtful- hope you're ok about it now. Where I live, is, shall we say a bit backward - so the normal websites don't cover here but I shall speak to some of the school run mums to ask about babysitters & find someone that I can start to test for an hour or 2 in the hope of building up to a night at the theatre. I think that's my aim for this year & would definitely feel better if it was paying someone rather than rushing back to family anyway.

I feel I agree & IAB a bit U, (but not completely & still think you should make it clear to your siblings that you'd be happy to babysit sometime-I will be delighted to babysit my niblings), tho don't feel quite as overemotional about it as I did earlier having had a glass of wine, but am defo on a mission for a date with dh. Cheers for the input :)

I have babysat for my neice a few times and I don't have DC. I love it! Wouldn't offer though so I think you have to ask

If you haven't asked them you can't complain. Maybe they think you don't want to have babysitters. Have you offered to do things for them ?

Ask them for a specific day or event with time set. Don't just ask generally.

Ask other parents for names of local babysitters.

I've never volunteered to baby sit for my nieces but my brother knows ill be more than happy to if he asks. Definitely just ask them

It never occurred to me to ask my DSis to babysit even though DH and I use other babysitters quite regularly - she lives an hour away, no children, has a busy social life etc. I found out from my mum she was a bit put out that I hadn't asked her. So I did and she babysat quite happily for us. Just ask them!

Ask them, or go to sitters agency.

I'm happy to help if there was an emergency and I like doing the fun auntie things but I don't want to babysit. It's not an issue for anyone in my family
that you know.

Ask them, then see how they react.

My siblings and I have never offered to babysit as such. When we want to go out we ask if it's ok for someone else to have our kids.

I sympathise. It is hard to find babsitters here. I only managed to book one twice and both times they didn't turn up. I find whilst family are happy to help out during the day they don't want to be sat round someone else's house all evening. It's not much fun if the dc are asleep. I guess you won't know until you ask them. Just one of the things that goes with having dc to me. It isn't forever. We used to take half days off work once they were schooll age and go for lunch or the cinema. Now they're older they have discos and things at school and we get to the pub for an hour or two. They're starting to do sleepovers now too. Maybe ask them and if they're not keen for an evening, see if they'd come for a couple of hours in the day so you can go out fior lunch. I do envy people who have a willing mum round the corner.

we have a similar situation to you evelyn .
DH's mum died 16 years ago. His dad met someone else a couple of years later,and they now live together.She's lovely, and we get on well with her.She has 5 grandchildren.Every school holiday,some weekends,even the occasional week night,FIL and his partner do something with her grandchildren-they take them swimming,to the pictures,have them overnight,have them for tea etc.They have never had our kids overnight, taken them swimming etc. They did take them to the pictures one afternoon but 2 of her grandchildren came too. During the school holidays, they never offer to take our kids anywhere or do anything with them, but her grandchildren get treated. They're not even FIL's grandchildren but it never seems to occur to them to take our kids anywhere! They've never been hard work to look after,and are well behaved,so that's not the issue.And I know others have said "Just ask them "but surely if they can think about taking her grandchildren out,then why can't they think about ours?

YAB incredibly U

My dc are all teens now, and you know, funnily enough, no-one has ever come up to me in all those years and asked me if they can babysit. It's not how it works.

This I've not once asked any of them to babysit could well be the reason you haven't had a babysitter - it's not rocket science is it ?

When you want to go out, then ask them if they will sit - the worst that can happen is they will say no, then you can turn to plan B of finding someone who would like to sit for you, even if it costs you. Most probably though, they will say "yes", or possibly, "really sorry, can't do that night, but would be happy to another time when we are free".

I like the thought on P1, where someone has asked if you've ever rung them up out the blue to offer to be their taxi on a night out they've not even told you about ?

YABU mostly by expecting them to do it, and even more by expecting them to offer.
It's nice if they will do it, but you decided to have the children. Any relief that comes, you should be grateful for.

Hooker are you aware of all the conversations between your fil's partner and her daughter/son - perhaps they do ask. But obs it isn't your fil's partner's responsibility to organise his time with his gc so really this is down to your fil - have you talked to him about his lack of interest?

If you had asked loads of times for help and been refused regularly when the partner's gc have lots of contact then you would be right to be cross with your fil (well more your Dh) IMO but not when you haven't asked then not so.