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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say thank you but no thank you to a family wedding invite

52 replies

jemima1988 · 11/01/2015 12:48

I have a 3 month old baby and will only be returning in July

I will be buying a house this year
safe to say it will be a tight year in terms of budget.

my DPs cousin has just invited us to her wedding it's abroad in a gorgeous boutique hotel I won't be able to afford much in terms of fun and leisure this year let alone a family wedding. DPs family is very close and he thinks we should be without on a few bits and go for a break I personally don't see a holiday with his family as a break but that's another issue

wwud?

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 11/01/2015 17:39

you say you are buying a house, not we, as in you and dp

same as you say I won't be able to afford much in terms of fun and leisure this year let alone a family wedding

do you not have a joint account for your home/baby you have together?

if dp is that close then as others have said let him go alone, or least fly out for the wedding day depending where the wedding is

are they having a party/celebration when home?

i got married in Antigua , 8 of us and then party at home for those who cant attend

Mammanat222 · 11/01/2015 17:39

For OH's closest cousins (more like a best friend) I think we'd go. Or at very least I'd tell OH to go.

We are in a similar situation but it's SIL getting married and we'll have a 3 month old and a 2.5 year old....We're going of course. Cannot miss OH's wee sister getting married [it's also abroad]

LIZS · 11/01/2015 17:44

Will dp not be contributing to you and your baby's costs and housing? It should be a collective decision and maybe you could combine the wedding with a few days together as a longer break. If you really can't afford to go given your other priorities then fair enough but it does seem as if the baby is an excuse.

unclerory · 11/01/2015 17:50

I was going to say if it was my cousin I'd want to go (we're very close) then I remembered my cousin got married abroad but no-one from the family went to the wedding (it was on the opposite side of the world). We had a big party when they returned.

Let your DP go if he really wants to but it has to come out of his own savings and can't affect any of your (sensible) plans for the year.

JeanSeberg · 11/01/2015 17:52

It sounds like you have separate finances to your partner so it's up to him if he goes.

expatinscotland · 11/01/2015 18:58

I'd send him alone and he pays for himself if your finances are separate. I don't get the big hoopla over weddings. It's one day. Big deal. But if it is to him, he can stump up for it.

KristinaM · 11/01/2015 19:07

I'm confused.

How is he your partner if you don't live together , isn't he just your boy friend ?

Are you planning to live together in your house ?

And why will you be tight for money but he won't ? Isnt he supprting his baby ? Is he paying towards childcare when you go back to work ?

SukieTuesday · 11/01/2015 19:07

I wouldn't go. If people choose to get married overseas (unless they live there!) they should accept that some people won't be able to afford to come to their wedding. It's incredibly selfish to expect people to shell out hundreds of pounds and often give up any holiday that year because they want a bit of sun. They should just elope.

bimbobaggins · 11/01/2015 19:15

What morris zapp said!

aermingers · 11/01/2015 19:22

The baby's 3 month old now though. Presumably the wedding is going to be in the summer so the baby will be 9 months old by then.

I don't think it's much fun going to a wedding with a little baby, so if they OP wants to stay home that's fine, fair enough.

But DP should definitely go, it sounds like he really wants to go and he shouldn't be told he can't go. OP would he be disappointed if you didn't come? Would you be resentful he was having a holiday without you? If the choice is between none of you going and all of you going and him going on his own isn't an option I think you really have to go.

MissBattleaxe · 11/01/2015 19:24

Don't go because:

He's your DP not your DH and thereofre you are not as obliged to go.
You appear to have separate finances so its a bigger ask for you to go than for him to go.

You have a small baby and won't get to relax much.

Moving house always costs thousands of pounds more than you think it will.

So what you do is send a nice card or give them a small gift when they get back and send your DP with all good wishes. Say "I'm sorry I can't come because of the baby but have a great time"

You absolutely do not need to donate your house move budget to your boyfriend's cousin's wedding. You will not relax- you will just be looking after a baby in a hotter, more expensive place whilst having to be social. Nightmare.

And yes, as Sukie says above^^ people who get married abroad need to accept declining guests graciously without censure. It's a really big expectation and there should be no guilt if people can't come.

Hakluyt · 12/01/2015 14:51

"Don't go because:

He's your DP not your DH and thereofre you are not as obliged to go."

What an extraordinary thing to say!

MissBattleaxe · 12/01/2015 15:49

Hakluyt- I got the impression that the OP either wasn't long term or was leading a partially separate life from her DP as she said she is buying a house, not him and not them together. It also sounds as if they have separate finances and she is saying she can't afford to go, not they can't afford to go.

I therefore deduced that it may not matter as much to the bride and groom if she didn't go. I may have been over deducing but that's the impression I got. (removes deerstalker)

It wasn't a comment on marriage or not being married.

BackforGood · 12/01/2015 15:59

My first thought was - it depends on how close the cousin is / how important it is to your dp.
My instinct is to suggest that your dp goes without you.
However, if you can all afford to go by just "doing without a few bits" as suggested by your dp, then I would suggest you all go, as it sounds as if you can easily afford it, and, when you are part of a family, you do sometimes do things with your partner's side of that family, even if it wouldn't be your choice.

Gawjushun · 12/01/2015 16:03

YANBU. If you choose to have a wedding abroad, then you get a nice location and a cheap price, but cannot expect people to drop everything to come along.

I might scrimp and save if it was a sibling or exceptionally close friend getting married, or if my DH really, really wanted to go. Otherwise, no.

sparechange · 12/01/2015 16:53

Which part is the prohibitive cost? Travel, hotel, both?

Have you looked into cheap flights (booked very early before prices go up) and a cheaper hotel/b&b/Airbnb near the hotel where the wedding is taking place? You don't need to stay in the actual hotel if there are cheaper places nearby

SacredHeart · 12/01/2015 16:56

Anyone who has a destination wedding does so on the acceptance that not everyone can/will/will want to go (unless they think they are Kanye and Kim).

Politely decline, send a heartfelt letter and a gift.

ItsAllKickingOffPru · 12/01/2015 17:07

YANBU. They've priced themselves out of having all the family there.

Ragwort · 12/01/2015 17:09

I wouldn't dream of going to a wedding abroad - didn't go to my brother's wedding which was overseas (not exactly clear whether we were invited or not, but none of our family went Grin).

If your DP wants to go of course he can go.

expatinscotland · 12/01/2015 18:15

Nothing more awkward than going to someone's destination wedding and you're staying halfway across town in the cheaper hotel.

It's a wedding, not a court summons.

Send him alone and just say no.

MaryWestmacott · 12/01/2015 18:23

expat, not really, I went to a 'destination wedding' in Thailand, the was about 25 in the whole wedding party, we were split over 4 different hotels in the same bay, each different price levels.

Put it another way, if there was something that matter to you to go to, a family member's wedding that mattered to you, and you could find a way as a family to afford it, you really wanted to go, but your DP said he'd rather spend the money on something else, would you be hurt? The desination wedding I went to was DH's old flat mate (from New Zealand, so if he'd had it in his local church rather than a destination one it would have cost us even more!), he was someone who mattered a lot to DH and while it meant we had to say no to another holiday we were invited on that year that I'd have rather gone on, budgets were tight for the rest of that year, I'm glad for DH that we went.

expatinscotland · 12/01/2015 18:34

'but your DP said he'd rather spend the money on something else, would you be hurt?'

No, because someone's poxy wedding doesn't trump the needs of my family. Ever. I don't make any sacrifices when it comes to my kids for a wedding. I think destination weddings are ridiculous. It's utterly self-absorbed to expect people to travel abroad for your destination wedding.

Chunderella · 12/01/2015 18:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

financialwizard · 12/01/2015 18:45

Personally I would be saying no just because of all the expense. If he really wants to go then see if he can share with other family members to halve the cost of the room.

My sil is getting married next year in London, going to cost us a small fortune. If I could get out of it I would but alas it is not abroad Smile

Ragwort · 12/01/2015 19:53

Totally agree with expat - I have never been to a 'destination' wedding and have no desire to do so. We were actually invited to a wedding in an
European city last year which would have been quite fun to go to (somewhere I have never been to, cheap and historically very interesting) but we had to decline as we had offered to do the catering at the scout camp for the same weekend Grin.

I don't even accept invitations to weddings in this country if it is something I don't think we'll enjoy - the vast majority of the weddings I have attended have ended in divorce anyway. I think weddings are hugely over rated and a complete and utter waste of time and money. I had the smallest wedding possible (2 guests at the registry office) and a couple extra for lunch - still happily married 27 years later. Grin.