About the word fat around DD?

[Fanfeckintastic]

Genuinely not sure here.

DD is 3.7 and I have never used the word fat around her or ever really. It's just not a word I like because it seems to only be used to put yourself or other people down, it's rarely used in a positive context. Back story here is that I had a mother who called me fat from a very young age so maybe this is clouding my judgment.

DD would snack all day if she could but we get loads of exercise so she's fine for the moment but I reckon I'd have to keep a quiet eye on her diet. She has no concept that eating too much makes you fat etc and I'm not sure I want her to but on the other hand there's my friend who takes an entirely different approach which I admire in a weird way.

Friends DD is 4 and my friend will often tell her "you'll get a fat tummy like me if you keep eating like that", "all that food will make you fat" etc, now I don't like the self deprecating or giving her DD and unrealistic idea of fat because my friend definitely isn't fat but I do admire the jovial but factual and open casualness of it all.

I know it reads like a total non issue, it's only a word but really it's the host of other things that go along with that.

It's not as simple as "too much food makes you fat" though, is it. If I ate the amount of bread, chocolate, ice cream, cheese etc that my kids eat then I would be significantly more overweight than I am now! I don't think it is helpful for a very young child to think that eating second helpings at lunchtime might make them fat, and certainly telling a child "all that food will make you fat" is just a recipe for an eating disorder IMO.

We talk about healthy eating in our house - I am overweight but not hugely, the kids know that bread makes my tummy sore (true) and that I eat a lot more veg / salad than them but it is always available to them. I try not to talk about being fat, or weight loss, but just about being healthy.

I don't want to introduce the notion of "dieting" or restricting food for weight loss purposes, but we do talk about not eating too many sweets, about trying to eat more fruit and veg, etc.

I would focus on the word healthy instead of fat. So I say to my son, we have to eats lots of fruit and veg to keep us healthy and only some of our treats. It's educating them then that some foods are more healthy than others rather than using the word fat around them.

At some point within the next couple of years your daughter will be taught the healthy eating message from nursery or school, and will probably begin to lecture you... Focus on health, I agree the word "fat" can have massive overtones and I try to avoid it in that judgemental way. It jars when I hear it on kids' TV programmes, Peppa Pig's Daddy's tummy, example.

I don't use the word fat as such but do talk about being healthy and strong with dd (4) I don't like people talking about diets in front of her. This is the warped mentality I want to avoid.

I think it is fine to understand too much food can make you unhealthy and the reasons why excess fat is a strain on your body, but I don't throw the word around in a negative context

adsy I really don't like the idea of telling them they'll get a big fat tummy! I remember me and my friend at 5 grabbing our tiny little thighs calling ourselves fat, do you really want them to worry about getting fat, even making it specific for them ie "tummy"?
It just doesn't sit well with me but in saying that there is something strangely refreshing hearing my friend say it and it doesn't sound at all cruel, that's why I started the thread. I'm genuinely torn.

Should one word be so taboo? But it's a very emotive word to lots of people.

Speak of food in terms of pleasure, speaking exercise in terms of fun.

Don't speak of either in terms of being good for you. Not with a child.

It's boring and it doesn't register in a positive way.

Single - I am stealing your energy points idea

certainly telling a child "all that food will make you fat" is just a recipe for an eating disorder IMO.

Um, I really think it's a lot more complex than that.

Eating disorders actually have very little to do with wanting to be thin and I'm willing to bet that most people with eating disorders aren't actually skinny. It's not unheard for people with bulimia for instance to be overweight or even obese.

That should be unheard of.

I don't use the word or comment on other people's appearance. I encourage them to eat to appetite, listen to their bodies and learn when they feel full. I don't tell them certain foods are treats, I tell them we need to eat all different kinds of food, that eating just chocolate wouldn't be healthy and neither would eating just vegetables. We talk about the different foods we need to stay healthy and keep our bodies working well. I'd be very cross if anyone taught my children to link food with being overweight and to see that as a negative thing.

My DD is four in May and I'm always calling her my little fatty, baby fat butt, look at that lovely fat tummy. We live in Spain and "gordo/gordito/gordi" (fatty) is a term of endearment here. But we do also talk about eating to grow strong and too many sweets being bad for you.

GoodtoBetter that's mad I remember being in Spain for a month while I was pregnant and the most beautiful little chubby girl was toddling up a hill and her mother came out and called "gorditaaa" me and my friend looked at each other and couldn't believe it!! That would be unheard of here, but we've called each other that as a term of endearment/funny memory ever since

Friends DD is 4 and my friend will often tell her "you'll get a fat tummy like me if you keep eating like that", "all that food will make you fat" etc, now I don't like the self deprecating

No I don't like this either - this child will pick up on her mum having a negative body image which could lead on to her thinking that she should think like this as well.

I wasn't given any boundaries with food as a child so ate too much - got overweight - had an overweight mum on constant diets moaning about her body and who would take any opportunity to point out if other people (including me) were fat. This caused me no end of problems with diet and body image later on. I feel as if I was set up to fail (let a seven year old eat as much as they like then tell them off for being fat).

I focus on health in regard to food with dd but do keep one eye on overeating - "no 4 biscuits is too many","chocolate once a day is enough" - as I feel that allowing your child to become overweight in the first place is just giving them an unnecessary problem to deal with and this isn't fair.

"seems really young to bring weight and appearance into it" - you can talk about weight without bringing appearance into it.

We have a Body Book (not the Usborne lift-the-flaps, a more basic version) which talks about what's in food (vitamins etc) and how the body uses food - the digestion as well as nutrition side, at an age-appropriate level. We tend to talk about a "balanced diet" at home and what your body needs. Your body does need some fat in the food that it eats, but too much isn't good for your body - your body doesn't work as well.

On the constant snacking, for us the acid test of whether they're snacking because they're hungry or snacking because they're bored is offering to cook them some peas (which the DCs like, but don't find them that "interesting"). If they don't want peas, they're not actually hungry. Also, with my DC they can't always tell if they are hungry or thirsty - if they are saying they're hungry but I know they've not drunk much lately then I'll ask them to have a drink first and wait ten minutes just to check if they're still hungry after.

I try not to use food as rewards/comfort - though it is hard when a lot of "treats" are food-based elsewhere. As a parent you can only seek to mitigate though, you are only going to run into more people like your friend and influences of the wider world as your DC grows. (Wait til they get to school and that all kicks in, e.g. getting rewarded with stickers for eating everything on their plates. Because that encourages eating to hunger, not eating for the sake of it... )

Being a good role model in front of your kids with regard to your own diet and choices has a massive impact though. Best you can do is hope to give your DD a good level of self-esteem - if you google "girls self esteem" there's a lot of useful stuff out there, e.g. www.aboutourkids.org/articles/how_raise_girls_healthy_selfesteem

I think Fat is such a loaded and negative word in our culture. I'd make a point of not commenting on other people's bodies. As other posters have said I'd focus on not eating too much of foods containing high fat, sugar and salt because these things can harm your health. You can be an ideal weight but be unhealthy and have a crap diet anyway. I am left wondering why your friend is saying this to her DD, she's 4 FFS, does a child that age have free access to food? Surely she shouldn't have the opportunity to overeat or have an unbalanced diet, it should be her parents who provide her meals and who have the responsibility to ensure a healthy diet.

The other thing that troubles me is regarding fat as the inevitable "consequence". I worry about my daughter judging other people, as well as herself: "That person has a fat tummy because they ate too much chocolate, isn't that right, Mummy?" It would be a pretty natural progression. I know that sort of (embarrassing) questioning will arise at some point anyway, but it seems there is less room for them to make blanket remarks like that if you've discussed balancing your diet, rather than declaring the consequence of overeating in an inflexibly negative way... No?

If my ds wanted three biscuits I wouldn't automatically just say "you only need one". I'd ask him if he was really hungry and if so give him a sandwich instead. He's only a toddler but I'm pretty sure he eats when he's hungry and if he's hungry then he probably should eat.
The thought of tiny little three year olds eating less than their stomach is telling them they want to avoid getting fat makes me very sad.

Personally I don't understand the angst around the word fat. It doesn't have to be used in a negative way, it can just be factual.

I wouldn't say to a three year old 'you will get a fat tummy' because that's personal about their body, but I can't see the problem with saying 'eating too many biscuits can make us fat, and that's not good for our bodies'.

Educating children about healthy eating, positive body images and the dangers of over eating too much unhealthy food is something that needs a lot of explanation to be done well, one descriptive word in amongst all the other explanations isn't going to do any harm unless there are other issues going on.

We don't use the word fat because firstly it's subjective , one person might think someone is fat whereas another person might not ( obvious exception where someone is obviously obese)
Secondly, thin isn't necessarily healthy. I imagine there are thin people out there who have very unhealthy diets.
We talk about healthy eating in our house, no food is bad or good but the key is balance.

I think I'd focus on words like "healthy" and "strong" etc rather than "fat"

"Over eating isn't really good for you" or "eating healthy foods will make you fit and strong" etc

I didn't use the word fat when my girls were little, but now they are 9 and 11 and see programmes like 'Supersize, superskinny' advertised on TV and get called 'fat' in the playground (one of mine has been a bit chubby at time though I am happy with her weight and activity levels now), the game is up. I certainly don't shout 'you'll get fat if you eat that' at them ever, but if they are eyeing up a third portion of pudding, will say 'don't eat that, it's not healthy' or 'what's your tummy saying?' to get them to think it through themselves.

They know eating unhealthy foods and too much of them makes you fat though, this is common knowledge you can't hide from them through clever use of different terminologies.

No fluffling you've hit the nail on the head! That's precisely why I strangely admire my friends light and breezy way, it's not a bold word and I think by treating it like one gives it more power.

That's exactly why I started the thread because I'm absolutely fine with explaining healthy food, exercise etc but it's like I'd rather say shit in front of her than fat. Which is making it a much bigger thing that it needs to be.

All this and she isn't honestly one bit fat, it's like I have my own mother's obsession with the word and her mother's and so on!

but I can't see the problem with saying 'eating too many biscuits can make us fat, and that's not good for our bodies'.

Well it's not necessarily true. Many people have an unhealthy diet and don't show it by bring fat. Secondly, it stigmatizes certain foods as villain foods and thirdly, it invites the small child to learn to judge other people and what they choose to eat by the appearance of their body.

In our house, we've taken the decision not to have treats at home at all, but if someone else (granny/auntie, for example) gives them, it passes without comment and is perfectly fine. In that way, we hope to keep treats as treats rather than as everyday foods but not something stressful or bad if a treat occasion arises.

So far I'm pretty happy with that approach. Treats don't get asked for because there is no expectation of them being given, but when we're with others we don't have pointless discussions about earning treats by eating main courses, saying no to something and then relenting.

I expect this will not always be as easy as it's been so far though.