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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel a bit weird about my boyfriend donating at the sperm bank?

45 replies

Littlefluffyclouds81 · 10/01/2015 10:20

I have been with my bf for just 2 months, and everything is great, as it would be after 2 months.

I have 2 dc who he hasn't met yet. He is 38 with no dc, he has never wanted them or been in a relationship where having them has been on the cards.

Quite a few times now he has mentioned that he plans to donate sperm to the sperm bank, as he likes the thought of having his genes passed on. I can't quite get my head around it, but I can't really vocalise why. Maybe it's because if he is that detached from the idea of parenting that his ideal scenario would be to spunk in a pot and never actually meet any children that may be produced from that, then I don't know how our relationship will pan out as obviously I have children. Or maybe that's not it. Am I being a div? Would you feel weird if your partner wanted to donate sperm?

OP posts:

YonicSleighdriver · 10/01/2015 10:24

I'd feel weird about his motivations from what you describe, yes.

I'm not sure how many anonymous donations there actually are used these days, he may not get what he wants. And I think the child can find him at 18?

Original poster

Littlefluffyclouds81 · 10/01/2015 10:28

Yes he is aware that any child produced may be able to find him when they turn 18 but it doesn't bother him, he said it would be quite 'interesting' to see what they looked like and had turned out like.

OP posts:

lyspaere · 10/01/2015 10:29

He feels mortal.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 10/01/2015 10:31

So he wants to make babies, he just doesnt want to parent them?

Can you imagine him taking a parenting role for your children?

YonicSleighdriver · 10/01/2015 10:31

And what about for the child?

"Yeah, I wanted my genes to carry on but not actually do any child raising. Biscuit?"

I think he may not pass any screening process!

FightOrFlight · 10/01/2015 10:32

He wants to pass on his genes without having the emotoinal, physical or financial responsibility of having a child. At least he's planning to do that via a sperm bank - some men just walk out on their kids!

I'd find it a bit unsettling to be honest if he were my partner.

YonicSleighdriver · 10/01/2015 10:32

It's also an odd thing to mention a few times in 2 months, unless you've been friends for ages anyway?

Blackout234 · 10/01/2015 10:33

What TZVN said with bells on

lyspaere · 10/01/2015 10:33

Yeh, I'd feel a bit turned off that that is how he visualises leaving his progeny on this earth!

I'd want to know

has he totally ruled out being a father and if so, why? (and I'd want to know this even if you yourself don't want any more children.) If he can sit there and chat about donating sperm then you can ask conversationally about fatherhood in general
like littlefluffy says, maybe he finds it facinating in a scientific way. That is a little too detached for me.

It's his prerogative to be a sperm donor but it's your prerogative to be turned off by the idea, ykwim. Maybe you'll be fine with it, but if you don't like the idea, you don't have to ignore that.

tigermoll · 10/01/2015 10:36

Obvs its his business if he wants to hand on his genetic material, although he may be in for a bit more than he bargained for, including:

-a battery of tests, including genetic ones, which may mean he finds out something about himself that he can't un-know. They don't take just any old sperm for obvious reasons.

Having to comply with restrictions on ejaculations before testing and donating for a number of days, over a period of months. It will affect your sex life and isn't just a one-off donation - is he prepared for that?

-Your genetic material may be used for up to five families to have as many kids as they want. You could be looking at twenty kids 'showing up' and they may not ALL be that pleased about the situation - some may have some hard questions for their father.

TV programs like to portray it as just showing up and filling a pot. The reality is very different.

Original poster

Littlefluffyclouds81 · 10/01/2015 10:38

I didn't know him before we started dating, and he first mentioned it about 3 weeks after we met.

Meeting my kids will still be a while off yet, but his detached attitude to parenting does worry me.

OP posts:

lyspaere · 10/01/2015 10:39

I do wonder about the screeninng process. If I were in the position of needing that service, I'd want to know that the person didn't have depression or schizophrenia or autism or whatever in their family history. I'd want to know that they were clever without being some kind of oddball genius who had to feel he'd left his mark on earth by donating sperm. I'd want regular features, good teeth, happy, healthy, clever........ but does that guy donate sperm!? would it occur to him?

FindoGask · 10/01/2015 10:39

My husband donated sperm, and I don't find it weird that he did it at all. It's a right faff actually, you have to go through loads of tests and then there's a certain number of donations you have to give. I'm proud that he did it, and sorry to read some of the assumptions on this thread about donors.

lyspaere · 10/01/2015 10:42

FindoGask, he has children with you though? and knows what real parenting is.

Would you find it a little odd if a man said to you a few months in to dating that he wanted to leave his genes behind!? Would you want to know why he'd ruled out the more conventional way of leaving genes behind?

BumWad · 10/01/2015 10:43

It is quite commendable that he is doing this.

All you need to do is have a quick gander at the infertility threads to see how life changing it is for these couples.

I can understand it is a little weird for you, if I was in your position I would feel the same too.

skylark2 · 10/01/2015 10:43

"Would you feel weird if your partner wanted to donate sperm?"

I'd feel a lot more weird being in a relationship with someone who doesn't want kids if I had some. Unless your children are adult or nearly adult, I find that a very odd situation. Do you have hopes of becoming a family unit? He really isn't a partner at the moment - he's a boyfriend.

Original poster

Littlefluffyclouds81 · 10/01/2015 10:44

He hadn't totally ruled out having kids of his own but he seems quite mystified about why anyone would want kids, he values his freedom a lot. It's unlikely to happen with me for many different reasons.

I was looking it up online last night when he was here and saw the bit about not being able to have sex 3-5 days before donation, and said to him that this would affect our sex life. He seemed to think he'd be able to ignore that rule and they'd have no way of knowing :/

OP posts:

mytartanscarf · 10/01/2015 10:45

I can understand feeling a bit strange about it.

But I don't understand why people are feeling strange about it based on the reasons given.

You don't donate sperm to become a parent - you donate sperm to let somebody else be a parent.

In that sense it doesn't really matter what his reasons are - does it?

FindoGask · 10/01/2015 10:46

lyspaere - the OP's boyfriend is clear that he doesn't want to be a parent. There's nothing wrong with that. If I were in the OP's situation and I wanted children, then I would be concerned that my boyfriend definitely doesn't. I wouldn't be concerned about him wanting to donate his sperm.

Leaving a genetic legacy is not an unusual reason for being a donor at all. Knowing that you've helped someone else start a family is an immensely rewarding thing regardless of whether you want a family of your own.

skylark2 · 10/01/2015 10:48

Honestly? He sounds like an irresponsible jerk.

You need to consider that this is how he will treat all important requirements, medical and otherwise, during your life together.

I'd get rid and consider I'd had a narrow escape.

Original poster

Littlefluffyclouds81 · 10/01/2015 10:49

We live an hour apart and neither of us are going to be able to move for the foreseeable future (5 years in my case), so I don't think being a family unit is going to be on the cards for a long time.

OP posts:

YonicSleighdriver · 10/01/2015 10:49

Findo, I have no problem with the principle of sperm donation, but I don't think this guy is taking it seriously in that it actually makes a person or several people.

ScathingContempt · 10/01/2015 10:51

I have a donor baby. I know that it must feel weird for some women to think of their partner having children out there through the donation process. But I would urge you to try to work through the feelings. Sperm banks always need more donors and without them I wouldn't have my wonderful little girl. There are many of us out there extremely grateful for what these men do, and for their partners who agree to it.

That's not to say if you can't get your head around it you should just put up and shut up. Your feelings are entirely valid too, I just thought I would offer the other perspective.

As for people asking about screening - they test for certain things and rely on the honesty of the donor for other things. The donor goes through a counselling session but that's focused mostly on ensuring that he has addressed the issues that surround donating - I believe partners can attend too.

Brandysnapper · 10/01/2015 10:52

Are your dcs young? What kind of step dad could he possibly be? I don't see how there is a future in this - not that everyone should want to have dcs, but if you choose a relationship with someone with children, why repeatedly talk about not wanting them.

mytartanscarf · 10/01/2015 10:52

Congratulations on your baby Scathing :)

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