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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel a bit weird about my boyfriend donating at the sperm bank?

45 replies

Littlefluffyclouds81 · 10/01/2015 10:20

I have been with my bf for just 2 months, and everything is great, as it would be after 2 months.

I have 2 dc who he hasn't met yet. He is 38 with no dc, he has never wanted them or been in a relationship where having them has been on the cards.

Quite a few times now he has mentioned that he plans to donate sperm to the sperm bank, as he likes the thought of having his genes passed on. I can't quite get my head around it, but I can't really vocalise why. Maybe it's because if he is that detached from the idea of parenting that his ideal scenario would be to spunk in a pot and never actually meet any children that may be produced from that, then I don't know how our relationship will pan out as obviously I have children. Or maybe that's not it. Am I being a div? Would you feel weird if your partner wanted to donate sperm?

OP posts:

PicaK · 10/01/2015 10:53

I think any man who donates sperm is a hero tbh. Do you know how many donors there are? Very, very few.
That said your dh's attitudeis crap. I wouldn't worry cos it doesn't sound like he'll ever get off his arse and do this. He hasn't even researched it. And him not caring about the no sex rule is hugely disappointing.
Do you really want to be with this bloke? You sound thoughtful and caring - he does not.

lyspaere · 10/01/2015 10:54

well, now, I think the fact that he values his freedom so highly and you have children, that's what I'd worry about.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 10/01/2015 10:55

I agree with Yonic, its not the act its self, but he doesnt seem to take it very seriously. Breaking the no sex rule proves that he doesnt take it seriously.

ScathingContempt · 10/01/2015 10:56

Also, I think you need to separate the issue of you having children from him donating. Focus on how he feels about your children. Donating or not donating has no bearing on how he will treat your children. I think you're better off discussing how he feels about potentially being a step father in the future if one of you ever does move house.

lyspaere · 10/01/2015 10:58

Scathing, congratulations!

Can I ask, did they match the donor's physical characteristics with your own, so that the baby would look like you?

I'm just being curious here so apologies if I'm over stepping a mark.

Original poster

Littlefluffyclouds81 · 10/01/2015 10:59

I appreciate that part of his reason for wanting to donate is to help a person/people have a child who may not otherwise be able to have them, and I think that is commendable.

My dc's are 4 and 10. My youngest does not have any kind of relationship with her father so it would be nice to be with someone who was prepared to be a positive male role model for her. I think he feels quite anxious about getting to know the kids in the future, as he has never really spent much time around children as an adult. He isn't negative about the idea, just anxious which is understandle.

OP posts:

tigermoll · 10/01/2015 11:00

It's interesting that he thinks that the problem with breaking the no-sex rule is that the doctors won't "know". He's right - all that will happen is that is sample will be discarded since it won't have a high enough concentration of sperms in it. They won't tell him off, or "work out" that he must have had an orgasm recently, they just....won't use his sample.

There goes his genetic legacy.

ScathingContempt · 10/01/2015 11:06

Thank you scarf!

Massively cross posting & missing info. OP, tell him if he ignores the no sex rule and his sperm is poor quality that week (as they do test it) then they will no use that week's donation and he'll have to do it for an extra week. If it keeps happening, they won't accept him as a donor. I know someone who donated (through the online donor community) and they kept him donating longer as one or two of his samples weren't high enough standard. They won't just leave it and use the bits he's already donated because they need a certain amount to supply x cycles of treatment.

I wanted you to encourage him to do it but it sounds like he might be wasting the clinics time.

Original poster

Littlefluffyclouds81 · 10/01/2015 11:07

Thanks scathing. Do you know how long the programme of donation usually goes on for?

OP posts:

BearFeet · 10/01/2015 11:10

Donating sperm for the right reasons is a fantastic thing to do. But saying he couldn't not ejaculate for 3-5 days prior shows he isn't really that bothered.

BringMeTea · 10/01/2015 11:17

I am lol at his reasons. I hope he wouldn't get past the screening process actually. I have 2 friends who have had children via sperm donation. Clearly the man could lie but I seem to recall their reasons were a whole lot healthier. (Friends were given a sort of profile of the donor). And, yes, if my boyfriend of 2 months came out with this it would be instant dumping.

Mumoftwinsandanother · 10/01/2015 14:20

I think your new bf sounds like he is doing something worthwhile and absolutely do not understand why he is being slated for it. Doesn't sound irresponsible at all. He isn't taking a lax attitude to parenting, he is helping other people parent. As a pp said wanting to see your genes live on is not an uncommon reason for people to donate sperm or eggs. I don't care why men decide to do it, so long as they dont do it for money and do it responsibly through a licensed clinic. However, I have to admit being biased on this one as I have 3 children born via sperm donation and am also an egg donor (with 3 further genetic offspring that I may never see). Sadly it's attitudes like those of some people on this thread that result in lots of parents of donor conceived children never being honest about their conception.

Mumoftwinsandanother · 10/01/2015 14:31

As for people suggesting that your bf wouldn't get through the screening process, I don't think that's true. My donor stated clearly on his form that his reason for donating were to ensure his genes were carried on, that he admired people who had children but could not commit to any of his own. They bite your hand off if you come in for altruistic sperm or egg donation. There is a severe shortage of donors (I understand lots of people have to go to Denmark for sperm where all the safeguarding and databases we have to ensure that donors and half siblings can be traced are not in place). The screening process is more physical, genetic history and to some degree lifestyle related (I don't think a prostitute could donate due to increased risk of stds). You don't even fill in the form about why until you are near the end of the process. You do have to have implications counselling but my 4 experiences of that in different clinics have been more about being told about what all the potentially negative implications for you and your future family could be. If you can live with these you carry on. It is not (as far as I am aware for the implications counsellor to make a judgement about whether you are a suitable person to donate).

Andrewofgg · 10/01/2015 14:40

I don't think he's an irresponsible jerk but he blatantly is not suitable stepfather material. Cut and run and put it down to experience.

BarbarianMum · 10/01/2015 14:50

He is a bad guy because he wants to donate sperm but he isn't serious enough about it? Wtaf? What is he supposed to do, weep for the children he'll never know each night?

Donating sperm is just that, its not a route to fatherhood and a man's (dis)inclination to be a father is totally beside the point. It would be a massive mistake to do it thinking it would make you the father of any resultant children in any way outside the purely biological.

ScathingContempt · 10/01/2015 15:01

I think the donation process is about 12 weeks, so one donation a week for that period. Which will be no sex for 3-5 days a week for almost 3 months. Big commitment. If he's up to it, it's a fantastic thing for him to do.

lyspaere · 10/01/2015 15:31

so if a guy walked in and his eyes were so close set he looked like a cyclops with a bump in his nose..................... but he was healthy, what would happen?

YonicSleighdriver · 10/01/2015 15:32

BM, by not taking it seriously, I meant not abstaining.

Nancy66 · 10/01/2015 15:35

I think what he has done is hugely admirable. There's a real shortage of sperm donors in the UK.

People who use sperm banks are either experiencing fertility issues themselves or wanting to conceive having researched it and thought about it thoroughly.

lyspaere · 10/01/2015 15:57

he hasn't done it yet, and as tigermoll said, his sample will be thrown away most likely

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