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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to send a blunt text to XP regarding him wanting to know our address?

41 replies

BobbyBanana · 09/01/2015 22:04

DS (17) is visiting his father this weekend.
Said XP has been a crap dad since DS was tiny, and contact between them had fallen to around five days a year for the past few years.

When contact was more regular, and DS was younger, XP would take him on holiday abroad and refuse to give me any idea of where they were going apart from the country they were visiting. It was horrible for me but all I could do was bite my lip so as not to get DS too stressed about it.

About 5 years ago XP moved out of our area and ever since has kept his address secret from me - it's no coincidence that he hasn't paid his due in child support and the CSA would like to find him. He pays a very small amount direct to me but owes a lot more.

We are trying to move house at the moment (rented) and have a house to look at soon. We have lived in the same house for many years. We tried to move a long time ago but XP jeopardised my attempts by sabotaging my online advert (no firm proof but he posted malicious details that noone else could have known about).

DS has just texted me to ask the name of the road where the new house is to tell his dad. I know this is because his dad grew up in that area and is probably just being inquisitive.

So...WIBU to text XP and tell him that I will be happy to give him our address when he gives me his?
Or can I be less polite?

....I know that if we do move there, DS will want his dad to know, but it's early days yet and I just want this to have nothing to do with XP right now.
And I don't want DS to feel embroiled in this Sad

OP posts:
skylark2 · 09/01/2015 22:12

Surely your 17 year old DS can tell you where his dad lives, since he's staying there?

Seems like making a point for the sake of it.

daisychain01 · 09/01/2015 22:16

Hi Bobby, at the age your DS is, I would be asking him to give you his DFs address. Surely he is plenty old enough to give you the full details including post code.

If you don't have any actual concerns about your XP knowing your address (ie no backstory of abuse etc)then I would give your DS permission to give his DF your address.

After all both addresses are when your DS resides, at different times so maybe now is the time to share them. Soon he will be living independently from both of you in the not too distant future!

I wouldn't get involved in all that texting, too much hassle and complication IMO and sounds like yr ex won't cooperate anyway.

Original poster
BobbyBanana · 09/01/2015 22:17

Sorry, should have said, XP has been living on a boat/at his GFs house/various and DS hasn't ever been able to give me an address - believe me I've asked.

OP posts:
Original poster
BobbyBanana · 09/01/2015 22:18

The few occasions when DS has been there, I've asked and he doesn't even know what town they were in. Certainly no postbox or door with numbers on it.

OP posts:
MaMaMarmoset · 09/01/2015 22:21

I'm sure a 17 year old would have at some point noticed what town he is in. Or been capable of finding the address (looking at a bit of post) if he wanted to. Probably his father has asked him not to.

It's alll a bit weird and your son is an adult so I'd just ask him politely to keep it quiet as there is no need for your ex to know.

Original poster
BobbyBanana · 09/01/2015 22:27

MaMa no DS isn't capable. He has mild learning difficulties.

As far as I can tell, the two times DS has visited his father in the past four years, they have been on a boat which has been in the process of travelling from one place to another. All I have is a train station to go by.

It's Nottingham, if that helps to narrow it down.
Last time it was Leeds.

My point is, would it be churlish to refuse to offer the new address at this point?

OP posts:
mineofuselessinformation · 09/01/2015 22:32

Just reply to DS 'Dad's an adult so he can ask me for the address if he wants to. Don't worry about it'.
And if you can, get DS an iPhone so you can do the 'find my iPhone' thing. That way you'll know where DS is without having to ask...

IdontusuallyNC · 09/01/2015 22:35

Daisy.

He visits for 5 days a year,on what planet is that somewhere he resides?

Original poster
BobbyBanana · 09/01/2015 22:38

What I really want to do is text XP:
"Thanks for your interest in our new address. I'll tell you mine when you tell me yours" and the CSA

OP posts:
Aussiemum78 · 09/01/2015 22:42

Just make up an address. It's not certain where you are moving yet so technically you aren't lying.

RoastitBubblyJocks · 09/01/2015 22:42

I would probably say that OP, why not?

Original poster
BobbyBanana · 09/01/2015 22:44

Actually that's quite inspired to make up an address.
What about using one of a vair large country house? Grin

OP posts:
IAmAllImportant · 09/01/2015 22:49

Hells bells, I will PM you mine, PC included! Total bollox but as genuine addy and PC! You want it?

Flimflammer · 09/01/2015 22:50

No it is not churlish to refuse to disclose what is at the moment a hypothetical future address.

Is there any reason you are not confident in your dealings with your ex? I wouldn't be happy to hand over my son to a foreign holiday with such vague details and I dont think it's a normal situation. Most people would give you the flight details and name of resort. I wouldn't be happy to send a 17 year old to visit someone with only a train station for reference. Depending on the severity of the LD it might be too late to bother, but I would toughen up what contact details your ex will give- at the very least a mobile number which he always answers, and an update by email about where he is living. Living on a boat doesn't mean you are uncontactable, my own parents did it for years and were only rarely out of touch, and always let us know which canal/basin/yard they were at.

FightOrFlight · 09/01/2015 22:50

And if you can, get DS an iPhone so you can do the 'find my iPhone' thing. That way you'll know where DS is without having to ask...

Oh, that's a sneakily delicious suggestion!

IAmAllImportant · 09/01/2015 22:50

I could then forward anything necessary to any addy you send to me! Or not, as required by you!

FightOrFlight · 09/01/2015 22:54

Re: the iPhone suggestion - there are GPS tracking devices you can buy without splashing out too much.

Bogeyface · 09/01/2015 22:57

Cant you also us "find my iphone" on an ipod touch, which are nice and cheap and also a nice gift for your DS?!

Tell him your new address will be

James Turner Street
Birmingham
B18 4NE Wink Wink

Original poster
BobbyBanana · 09/01/2015 23:00

Thanks IAm but it's unlikely that XP would send anything by post - he has known my address for the past 15 years after all and never sent anything!

FlimFlam I'm long past the point of giving a fuck what idiocy XP wants to exercise to prevent me from knowing where he takes DS on holiday. It's all in the past. DS hasn't been away with him for years now. It was absolutely hellish at the time but unfortunately MN didn't exist when this was all going on or I would have had the benefit of some excellent advice and support.

You're right, I was not confident at the time because of DV and EA. Another reason for wanting to keep my distance.

OP posts:
Original poster
BobbyBanana · 09/01/2015 23:02

Huh Bogeyface? Confused Am I being thick?

OP posts:
BlackeyedSantaStuckUpAChimney · 09/01/2015 23:14

is it the one in the channel four programme?

Aeroflotgirl · 09/01/2015 23:18

Don't tell your ds just yet as hewill probably tell his father

overslept · 09/01/2015 23:18

I think the "I'll tell you mine when you tell me yours" will make him brush it off thinking you are being immature and have no intention of telling him anyway, I'd be tempted to send similar though. Try to use this as an opening to ask for his address, even if the chance of him telling you is slim. If he refuses to tell you after a polite text you can always send a sarcastic text afterwards Wink.
I'm from Nottingham myself (my old house backed on to the canal too), maybe before you reply to ex ask DS to take a pic of the front of the house/places they go and see if you can figure out where it is. Ask him what shops are close as well, for example if they have a big supermarket near by, what the coffee shop/pub near by is called, if they go out for lunch where did they go and how far was it. Those sort of questions. Another one but this might seem very odd to ask, would be to ask DS what ex's car reg plate is, that will be registered to an address somewhere....

Just realised that I sound like a stalker. I'm not I promise Grin.

YonicSleighdriver · 09/01/2015 23:21

Buckingham palace
SW1A 1AA

FightOrFlight · 09/01/2015 23:22

is it the one in the channel four programme?

Yes, Benefits Street.