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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be RAGING over wedding invite?

78 replies

Gangie · 08/01/2015 23:09

Getting married in 5 weeks Grin all good. Husband to be asked to invite his cousin (that I have never even met in 6yrs) and kids. Of which he had 5. I though there was 4 and that too were actually 'children' turns out they are all adults 26plus do charged full adult meal price (â?¬55pp). I should have double checked the ages before he sent the invite but I didn't.

Anyway cousin RDVPS that he his 5 adult children and his 'partner' would be delighted to come. We didn't even know he had a partner. And she certainly was not named in the invite.

Now he had just rang and asked could partners children (14& 16 do again adult prices) come too and husband to be said yes!

Oh my fucking god just worked out it's going to cost �495 just to feed them never mind wine extra canapés & evening buffet....

Is this beyond a joke it AIBU?

OP posts:
theflyingpig · 09/01/2015 10:52

This is a completely standard thing that always causes at least a bit of tension when wedding planning.

In short:

(1) you're not being at all unreasonable to be peeved your fiancee should absolutely have made it clear that for this cousin, who he's not close to, an entourage of 8 others was totally unacceptable; but
(2) [i appreciate that you don't ask this question & probably have no inention of doing this so this is just for the record] now they've been all invited it would be hugely unreasonable for the invitation to be withdrawn.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 09/01/2015 11:18

YABU to be raging at your DP's cousin. He asked and your DP said yes, and neither of you asked the ages of the children.

YANBU to be raging at your DP Grin

You now have two choices, to still invite them (with/without partner & her children) or apologise and just invite cousin and the DP. Personally I'd get back to the cousin and say you didn't realise his children were adults and either the invite is for him and his children only (as you've already sent it), or him and his DP only but you can't afford to add anyone else.

BreakingDad77 · 09/01/2015 11:30

YANBU - DW had a cousin who couldn't come they must have told their family before RSVP as another cousin who we don't know phoned MIL to say as x isn't coming can I come instead (and bring my daughter)

BreakingDad77 · 09/01/2015 11:31

Was cheeky as we were paying for the wedding the parents weren't paying for it.

fluffyraggies · 09/01/2015 11:31

Skimmed thread.

Yes, if you wanted to put them off at this point simply bring up the venues insurance limits on folk in the building.

In the meantime, on the 'cheeky or not' issue - IMO those who ask usually get. He asked to bring his kids and 'you' said yes. He asked to bring his kids partners and 'you' said yes. Under those circs. why not ask to bring his girlfriend?

From his point of view you are obviously going with a 'more the merrier' sort of do and he just keeps finding more Grin

Seriously though - the issue here is with your DF not knowing his cousins kids were grown up, and then saying yes to everything. No point in raging.

Have a great day Flowers

grocklebox · 09/01/2015 11:36

you should have just invited them to the afters.

TheLittleRedHen · 09/01/2015 11:37

I still can't work out whether DP didn't tell you the ages because he didn't want to have you fitting at him until they had said yes or no and it was too late for you to back down - or whether he genuinely hadn't remembered that his cousin's children were now all over 26 years old.

Jill2015 · 09/01/2015 13:23

I guess if your fiancé wants them there, it's up to him, as it's his wedding too.
BUT, if he doesn't know the ages of the cousin's children, it doesn't appear to be a relationship that is close enough to warrant bringing all of them to his wedding.
I'd suggest discussing with your fiancé the possibility of him inviting the cousin and partner only, to the ceremony and reception, and all of the 'children' to the afters of the wedding.
Hope you have a good day.

42bunnytails · 09/01/2015 13:26

Buffets in the church hall have a lot going for themWink

Gwenci · 09/01/2015 15:28

Sorry OP, I know first hand that this aspect of weddings is infuriating, but it's YOUR wedding, you should've just said no.

My DH and I sent an invite to a good uni friend of DH's. Addressed just to him. He replied saying 'me and my gf would love to come.' DH called friend and explained the invite was just for him as we had really strict numbers (technically we didn't, we had capacity for another 20 people but we weren't paying for a meal for a gf we'd never met!!) Friend was fine and came on his own.

We also had DH's cousin say 'can I bring bf?', again, we said no. Didn't know the guy, never met him.

JUST SAY NO PEOPLE!!!!!

Gwenci · 09/01/2015 15:31

(That's meant to say JUST SAY 'NO' PEOPLE!!!' Rather than 'no people'...that'd be a lonely wedding!!)

BOFster · 09/01/2015 15:33

I think that's a bit rude, to be honest. Aren't plus ones pretty standard at weddings when people aren't coming as part of a social group instead?

NoArmaniNoPunani · 09/01/2015 15:34

Even more infuriating are people who RSVP then don't bother to turn up.

Gwenci · 09/01/2015 15:43

Well, the cousin was part of the family so she knew loads of people. And the friend was part of a large group of DH's uni friends who all knew each other (and who weren't all bringing partners!) so lots of his good friends were there! He wasn't alone. I'd have let him bring her if that was the case.

I totally agree with what another poster has said - it was my wedding and I didn't want to have people there I couldn't put a name to or who couldn't name me!!!

Gwenci · 09/01/2015 15:45

Sorry, when I said 'on his own', I meant minus gf, not that he didn't know anyone!

readysteady · 09/01/2015 15:51

I would now worry the adult children will assume they can bring guests!!! Shock

MissBattleaxe · 09/01/2015 16:01

I totally agree with what another poster has said - it was my wedding and I didn't want to have people there I couldn't put a name to or who couldn't name me!!!

You see, I disagree with this. Whilst I agree that short term girlfriends/boyfriends should be off the menu, I don't think the bride needs to have met everyone the groom wishes to invite.

Sometimes its not even possible if people live abroad or far way, but its still the groom's wedding too.

tobysmum77 · 09/01/2015 16:08

hahaha yabu to say yes. Shock ok to ask if he can bring partner but not partners children.

Clarabell33 · 09/01/2015 16:22

Aah, this is why we didn't invite any cousins aside from the fact that neither of us could even name all our cousins without checking with our parents There was a broad age range so some were teenagers while others had grandchildren, and it makes a bit of a difference when you think you're getting cousin X and possibly their partner Y, only to find you're also expected to invite their three offspring, any respective partners, and then their kids...

DH and I made lists of all our relatives before sending out invites, and even though he only has 8 cousins, there would have been an extra 23 people involved in inviting them, so I asked him which of his close friends would he be taking off the guestlist to fit them all into the venue? He chose... no cousins. Which was good as I wasn't planning on inviting any of my 17 cousins or their respective partners, children and grandchildren.

Anyway YANBU. I'd ask your DH what he will be cutting back on to accommodate his expanded side of the guestlist.

naty1 · 09/01/2015 17:03

Its complicated and the reason we didnt get married in the end. Other friends had spent £15k which was like 6m or more working.
Dp has 3+4 uncles and aunts so 14 with partners with at least 2 kids each..

EmDuffers · 09/01/2015 17:34

You lost me at the part where your soon to be DH has to get your permission to invite someone?

Gwenci · 09/01/2015 20:56

I see what you're saying MissBattleaxe but me saying that didn't preclude DH from inviting people I hadn't met before - he invited some old family friends of his parents who I'd heard lots about and who I knew he was close to when he was younger, and who I heard updates about a lot from PIL, I'd never met them before but I could put a name to them as I'd heard so much about them. Of course I'm not saying hubby can't invite anyone I haven't met before, that would be unfair if the person in question was important to him, I'd just draw the line at people neither of us knew very well. Like distant cousins he clearly didn't know as he had no idea how old their children were...

MissBattleaxe · 11/01/2015 09:58

Well I kind of understand if neither of you has met the guest Gwenci, but I'm also a fan of the idea that couples should decide on how many they are inviting and the budget and then choose the venue.

Personally I wouldn't split up a couple who were living together, engaged or married even if I hadn't met one of them yet.

At our wedding, my DH invited his former boss who had got him through a time once. He didn't really know her husband and had never met her daughter, but we wouldn't have dreamt of not including them.

RyanAirVeteran · 11/01/2015 10:03

Beef or Salmon ?

FarelyKnuts · 11/01/2015 10:09

You missed the boat in doing the traditional irish style of cousin plus one to meal and cousins kids and any others to the afters. Isn't that what afters were invented for? All the extra people you don't want to pay for the meal for? :o

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