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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

not to go along with exh lie?

61 replies

Chatatouillez · 08/01/2015 18:30

I'm pregnant with dc2. I have a 5yo ds conceived through ivf when married to exh. We had two frozen embryos from that ivf cycle, so post divorce exh and I agreed i could use them, I'd have residence of any resulting child and exh would have his weekly time with them same as ds.

So now I'm pregnant and exh has said he's going to tell his parents it was a natural miracle pregnancy after we started seeing each other a few months ago needless to say we haven't done anything of the sort, though we are happy and amicable in our relationship.

Aibu to be annoyed by this lie? Baby wasn't an accident, baby was planned and exmil is bound to say about it when she visits baby. Exh says his parents will brand us 'stupid' and weird for doing this, but why should I have to lie about our baby? Exh is 40, you'd think he would be able to speak the truth and not be ashamed of his child. Fwiw he won't be paying any child maintenance for this baby so I will be working to support both children, though he does pay towards dc1. Im not complaining about that, just saying as it's not like I've gone to him for money.

OP posts:

hesterton · 09/01/2015 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 09/01/2015 09:31

It's a perfect solution to use the embryos if the OP wants another child.

If you look at it that the payment now covers both children rather than he pays for one but not the other and if the OP agrees and is ok for money, then it's not up to anyone else to say otherwise.

My only stipulation would be that he treated the children fairly & evenly.

OP just tell the dunderhead that given his mother knows you don't have either Fallopian tube, she's not going to believe him. Idiot.

diddl · 09/01/2015 09:37

"so we're not talking about bringing a child into a loving relationship here but creating a child because you have no other choice."

There might be an element of that, & if so I think that it's to the credit of the ex tbh.

if the OP & her ex get on, then there are two parents who love & want the child but happen to not live together!

MaybeDoctor · 09/01/2015 09:48

As someone with secondary infertility (whose opportunity to have a second child was compromised by the near breakdown of our relationship) I want to send you huge congratulations for finding a way to be a mother again!

With regards to your dilemma, I think that your situation is on the whole very good - your Ex is supportive, your baby is on the way, you can support both your children, so maybe just leave it alone for now and tell people at a later date? It is probably better to turn a blind eye than risk alienating your ex in a situation where, in my opinion, it is fairly unusual for him to be so accommodating.

WooWooOwl · 09/01/2015 09:54

Were talking about bringing a child into a mutually supportive, stable co parenting relationship, which is a hell of a lot more than can be said for many people, even when they aren't single.

OddFodd · 09/01/2015 09:55

Your ex seems to be lacking in understanding basic human biology. Unless his mother is stupid or very forgetful, she's not going to believe the miracle baby story for a second.

She's just going to think the pair of you are very odd for telling her such a huge porky which can't possibly be true.

NeedABumChange · 09/01/2015 10:32

For goodness sake. OP obviously wanted another child, ex said he couldn't afford it but she said she could and that he wouldn't have to pay. And you can't all say he can't have anything to do with it then as how would dc2 fell when dc1 went out with the dad.

If OP was happy to have a baby with no financial support from the ex then I don't think you should all be so harsh on him!

MaybeDoctor · 09/01/2015 10:32

I don't think it is too unusual to not want to talk about exactly how children come along, surely?

I recall a conversation with a colleague who had adopted a baby girl. I knew she was adopted, he knew I knew she was adopted, but there was a conversation where I distinctly remember that he wanted to pass over how she had come to be his daughter, put it into 'history' if you see what I mean...

BarbarianMum · 09/01/2015 13:00

I agree. Actually I think its really nice of him to agree to OP using the fertilised embryo - it's clear the 2 of them have a good relationship and see no reason why they shouldn't co-parent effectively.

OP - he probably wants to lie about conception so the world and his mate don't tell him he's an idiot/a feckless, non-paying father. But you are right, lying is not the way forward here.

Original poster

Chatatouillez · 09/01/2015 17:59

Thanks for all the replies. My ex is a good dad and I'm sure he will be to dc2 as well. We get on well, have been on a couple of 'family' holidays since the split, go for a 'family' meal occasionally etc, this helps dc. Although we are clear that we live in different houses so dc aren't confused.

He pays approximately 15% of his income I'd say, though I don't know exactly what he earns. I don't mind him nor paying extra in future as he was clear about that upfront. We are both 'older' parents (I'm late 30s, he's 40s) so both have been fortunate to have our own homes and we both work so although not rich, I know I'll be ok to support two children and worst case scenario I have insurance, plus ex and both families would help.

Im going to have to re explain that mil knows no fallopian tubes, so he's clear on the lie he wants to tell

OP posts:

RandomMess · 10/01/2015 00:05

I hope it all goes really well.

I love the way people have focused on the money not the lie aspect and not the fact if you decide not to use embryos then your choice is either to donate them or destroy them, not such an easy decision to make IMHO!!! I know of more than one couple who have ended up with a further child beyond what they "planned" because of not wanting to destroy or donate their embryos that are full siblings to their older dc.

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