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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

not to go along with exh lie?

61 replies

Chatatouillez · 08/01/2015 18:30

I'm pregnant with dc2. I have a 5yo ds conceived through ivf when married to exh. We had two frozen embryos from that ivf cycle, so post divorce exh and I agreed i could use them, I'd have residence of any resulting child and exh would have his weekly time with them same as ds.

So now I'm pregnant and exh has said he's going to tell his parents it was a natural miracle pregnancy after we started seeing each other a few months ago needless to say we haven't done anything of the sort, though we are happy and amicable in our relationship.

Aibu to be annoyed by this lie? Baby wasn't an accident, baby was planned and exmil is bound to say about it when she visits baby. Exh says his parents will brand us 'stupid' and weird for doing this, but why should I have to lie about our baby? Exh is 40, you'd think he would be able to speak the truth and not be ashamed of his child. Fwiw he won't be paying any child maintenance for this baby so I will be working to support both children, though he does pay towards dc1. Im not complaining about that, just saying as it's not like I've gone to him for money.

OP posts:

Perfectlypurple · 08/01/2015 20:33

My dh has for 10 years paid more than the cms amount for 2 children for just 1 child. I know this because a colleague earning exactly the same pays less for his 2 children than my dh pays for 1, or rather the colleague did until he had more children so I am guessing it went down.

flossieflower · 08/01/2015 20:37

Embryos carried in different pregnancies are NOT twins even if they were conceived at the same time. Siblings yes, but not twins,

Cabrinha · 08/01/2015 20:40

I'm laughing at a miracle pregnancy with Fallopian tubes!
I think it's a great arrangement. I can actually see why he would rather Iive without his mother's judgement on it. But - tough.

My 5yo loves hearing about the special help mummy had to make her. You can't lie to your child!

FuckOffGerbil · 08/01/2015 20:45

If the OP wanted another a child and her ex was unable to provide financially for one, he could have just said no. I can understand why she would want to have a full biological sibling rather than get a sperm donor. He hasn't accidentally knocked someone up and refused to pay

It's what he can afford, he was upfront about it.

Bogeyface · 08/01/2015 20:47

Why is that so unlikely?

Read any thread about CM on MN or any other parent forum you care to name and then ask that question!

OP, does he pay over and above the minimum for 2 children for the one you currently have?

FuckOffGerbil · 08/01/2015 20:47

Op I'd just say it really isn't any of her business should she ask. Because it really isn't is it? I do think he's being weird about it though. And I would not lie to future dc

Bogeyface · 08/01/2015 20:49

The twins thing is a personal feeling. The OP feels that they are twins because they were conceived at the same time by the same parents, just implanted at different times. I can see why she would feel they are even if it isnt strictly true.

Viviennemary · 08/01/2015 20:52

The whole situation is quite difficult and one which some people might find unacceptable. Which is probably the reason your DH wants to tell his Mum a lie. But in the end it's up to you as Mother and him as Father to come to a decision together. maybe honesty is the best policy in this case though.

sebsmummy1 · 08/01/2015 20:54

I wouldn't lie in this situation no, particularly since he has decided to not financially contribute to this child. I would want to make it very clear that you were doing this alone, financially and emotionally.

DinoMight · 08/01/2015 20:57

It's great that you can both overlook what ever differences you've had in order to facilitate this arrangement, but he doesn't seem to express the same maturity when being upfront about it to others.

Is it that his approach is not so much thought out than, 'yeah, if yer want - fine'

notauniquename · 08/01/2015 21:20

Read any thread about CM on MN or any other parent forum you care to name and then ask that question!
When My DD was young I paid my x more maintenance than I would have (had to) for two, also frequently did shops for my x to make sure neither she nor my child would be hungry, I paid for nursery care so that x could work, paid for shoes and clothes and put hundreds onto the electric meter and gave money to pay bills (Might be worth mentioning that I can no longer afford to do all of that, though I still have the debts to show for it.)

Other threads may have other stories, no one story seems to fit all situations.
Most people who seem to have good relationships with their x's seem to have good financial relationships also.

WooWooOwl · 08/01/2015 21:30

Read any thread about CM on MN or any other parent forum you care to name and then ask that question!

That might be because those of us that are more that happy with the maintenance payments we receive have no need to start threads about it. My ex pays more than the bollocks that is the CSA calculator says he should, and pays for half of all trips, shoes, uniforms etc on top. And rightly so.

Not all NRPs are arseholes you know!

ProcrastIWillFinishThisLater · 08/01/2015 21:46

Ask ex to tell mil not to mention it. Warn him you will not be lying about it if she does. If she mentions it, tell the truth.

lyspaere · 08/01/2015 21:52

Truth.

BUT. I can understand why he is embarrassed telling his parenrs that you are having another child after u have split up!

Im not judging, but i would be sensitive to other people having an opinion on it if i were in your/his shoes.

lyspaere · 08/01/2015 21:59

If your xmil knows u have no fallopian tubes then obviously she will know instantly it wasnt a natural conceptiin

CalleighDoodle · 08/01/2015 22:54

Lmao imagining the sperm teleporting through the space where your fallopian tubes used to be.

Bulbasaur · 08/01/2015 23:06

He's not paying for the kid, therefore he has no say in it. It's an ego thing on his part, and has nothing to do with the child.

If it's a miracle conception than his wallet better start making miracle payments towards DC2.

Eustasiavye · 08/01/2015 23:24

No supporting a child financially and seeing a child are two separate issues.

My ex does not support his dcs financially but I do not stop him from seeing them.

They know the truth though and don't have a good relationship with him.

I can see why he might be embarrassed to tell his mum the truth. Even so I wouldn't lie.

hotcupofjoe · 08/01/2015 23:27

He's not paying for the kid, therefore he has no say in it
By mutual agreement with the OP.

Whether or not he pays maintenance or not is HER business. None of us know either of their financial situation, and the OP sounds like she approached and made this arrangement perfectly rationally.

The OP started the thread asking for about whether she should go along with what he is telling his mother; not about maintenance and whether the people of MN thinks what she agreed is wrong and how she must think about it.

OP, YANBU. Have you pointed out the whole fallopian tubes related flaw in his plan?

WooWooOwl · 08/01/2015 23:28

He's not paying for the kid, therefore he has no say in it.

What a ridiculous statement. Does that go for every parent that doesn't pay for their children themselves, or just the male non resident ones?

FuckOffGerbil · 09/01/2015 08:52

I think this has the first time I have EVER been on the side of the parent not paying cm. I don't actually agree that parents who don't provide for their children financially should get a look in as they are effectively neglecting and financially abusing their children. But in this case the OP and her husband have chosen together to create another child and the op's ex is incapable of giving more money.

If the Op were still married to her ex and she was the higher earner she would still be the one paying more, her husband would not be able to magic more money. The only difference here is that they have decided this after the marriage has ended and they are in a very unusual situation where IVF was necessary and embryos are still available and this may be their only way of having children. I think they are being very mature about the whole thing and in choosing to have another child together after and to still provide as best they can.

Well he maybe be isn't be particularly mature about telling his mother..

Why does he think an "oops baby" is less embarrassing than two adults choosing to have a child? Really odd to me. I realise your situation is unusual but I don't think it is weird, I think it makes total sense. Children aren't just proof of a happy marriage, they are wanted in their own right, why shouldn't he have a child with someone who he already has a much loved child with.

diddl · 09/01/2015 09:03

I think that he is being ridiculous tbh.

whether using embryos or having sex, the result is the same-a baby to a couple who are no longer together.

I can't see why it being a joint decision is worse than it being an "accident" iyswim.

It's an unusual decision that you have both made, but surely nothing to be ashamed of or lie about?

WannaBe · 09/01/2015 09:15

I suspect that people would tell him he was being ridiculous to allow these embrio's to be implanted back after the two of you had split. After all you presumably split for a reason? so we're not talking about bringing a child into a loving relationship here but creating a child because you have no other choice.

I can see why people might judge that. I also wonder whether he's not actually as comfortable with the idea as you are, but as he appears to be a decent bloke felt that saying no would be cruel so agreed.

The likelyhood is that he won't have the same relationship with this child as he does with his current dd by virtue of the fact you are no longer a couple, and as such he doesn't want to admit that he agreed to have a baby under these circumstances.

diddl · 09/01/2015 09:19

The same could be said of OP though, couldn't it, that it's ridiculous to want a baby with an ex?

FuckOffGerbil · 09/01/2015 09:25

so we're not talking about bringing a child into a loving relationship here but creating a child because you have no other choice.

Any relationship has the potential to go sour though. In fact half of them do. This particular couple have managed to remain amicable and know exactly what it is like for them with a child under joint custody. I know so many people who have children when their marriage is going south and have no idea what the future will be, that seems like a bad idea to me. This seems almost sensible.

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