To be upset over this lost friendship?

[Thedancefloorsatemptress]

Hi all. I met one of my past closest friends at secondary school. We were inseparable, daft, very close and I never thought that we would be apart.

We grew up together, helped each other through everything. She had a tendency to be sulky and one sides however I always saw through it and accepted her flaws as she accepted mine or so I thought.

Anyway I met her uncle at a party about 7 years ago. We started dating properly 4 years ago.

DF was ALWAYS completely aware of our feelings towards each other and we only started dating officially with her blessing, out of respect really. For the record DF's DM is a lot older than her brother (my DP - hope you're following me still!) they are half siblings and the family isn't particularly close.

Anyway I always made sure that I made time for DF, I didn't want her to think that I was forsaking her because I had a new fella or that I had been using her to get close to her uncle. We had nights out as normal, went for walks, girly nights in etc.

About a year after me and DP started dating, DF turned on me. She just completely blanked me, no explanation, no reason that I can see. I have tried texting her, ringing her etc but she jut completely ignores me.

We've never even had cross words before. I just can't think what I've done wrong! I am currently 7 months pregnant with our first child.

I went to my MWs appointment last week an they referred me for another scan as baby is measuring small. I got myself in a complete state about it. I threw up when I got home an DP found me lying in a heap on the floor. He took me round to MIL's house and (ex) DF was there. MIL was ranting on about the MW's causing me to panic probably unnessecarily. Ex DF's response was 'well they have to get their laughs from somewhere.'

That comment really upset me. I thought she would've at least had the decency to say something positive or not say anything at all.

She won't even look me in the eye!!
I miss her but then I wonder if she was ever really a friend at all.

We also work at the same pub together. I dread working with her. There is an awful atmosphere. She pushes past me all the time, instead of just saying excuse me. Instead of putting dirty pots on the side she throws them in the sink that I'm stood at, criticises everything I do and is just generally very nasty to work with

Can't your dp ask her what is up? Surely your mil knows something?

She sounds like a complete delight doesn't she?
Yanu to be sad and to miss the friendship but yabu to dwell on it-sounds like it was a bit of a one sided friendship (with her moods etc), I would hazard a guess to that jealousy is the reason she has stopped talking to you. Disengage emotionally and you will start feeling better about it, you just have to see her from an outsiders point of view.

Oh and as for work, log all that she does and report it as its bullying.

I honestly cannot see how you miss her. She sounds like a piece of work.

I'm guessing she doesn't like the fact you are with her uncle but it's none of her business. Or maybe she didnt like you sesettling down, some people get funny about it when their friends settle down.

Hold your head high, pull her up on her shitty attitude at work or even speak to your manager if she is that bad. Why should you have to work in such a hostile environment to because she is an immature cow.

Even if she did come to you now, I wouldn't give her the time of day.

That sounds absolutely awful! Are you pretty certain it's about you dating her uncle? I would have to have it out with her and find out what's going on.

Does she still speak to her uncle? You obviously still speak to other members of the family.

Talk to them. Tell them that she hasn't wanted anything to do with you and you really don't know why and do they know or could they ask because you would welcome the opportunity to sort it out or at the very least you would like to know why.

My DP thinks that she had the hots for me.

No joking, in all seriousness he thinks that she's jealous of HIM. It sounds ridiculous to me but he's not the fort person to have said it.

MIL has had words with me in the past. I've told her tht I will continue being the adult and being civil towards her but that ultimately the ball is in her court.

We had such a great friendship before! We always looked out for each other, we just seemed to 'bounce' off each other.

I've been looking through photographs of good times with her and its upset me a little

You could well be right. I don't think that's far fetched. It would explain quiet alot actually wouldn't it?

The whole family knows that she won't speak to me. If I'm honest I think that there has been some serious shit stirring done on her DMs part and perhaps even MIL.

I overheard MIL, ex DF and SIL talking about how I'm going to have a really long labour because I don't go for walks.

No I don't go for effing walk because 1. It's the middle of winter 2. I work just about every day 3. When I get home its dark and 4. I've got that much bloody housework to do I honestly don't have the bloody time!

It doesn't make sense for her to be this way though if she had the hots for you. Are you sure it wasn't aimed at her Uncle? (I've seen it before )
What's her life like - do you think she could just be jealous of yours and has cut off her nose to spite her face.
Whatever it is, personally I wouldn't worry about it and I certainly wouldn't now want her as a friend after she's behaved that way.

She's recently finished a law degree. She still lives with her DM. They've bith always been "love to hate" sort of people.

She still talks to DP as she still talks sucks up to my family which I'm not gonna lie does annoy me.

Have you ever asked her what her problem is? You clearly see each other very regularly.

She sounds awful, whatever her reasons, she is nasty and immature. She does not sound like she was a true friend at all, I would not want anything to do with somebody who is nasty and spiteful.

Is that she resents you becoming part of her family?

Will she be leaving the pub soon? Can you get the landlord to watch and have a word when she's unpleasant? You'll have to be careful with her pushing as you're pregnant.

My bf turned on me when I started seeing DH, years ago. DH wasn't connected to her at all btw. I do think though it was because I was supposed to be "hers" and she didn't want to share. Essentially she was immature and self centred.

We have since got back in touch but we live far apart now and only converse now and again on facebook.

It is sad to lose a friend but if she won't be mature and talk to you then there's very little you can do but move on.

Can't you sit her down and ask her outright what you have done wrong?

Is it because he is her family and also she's jealous? I lost my sister when I had a baby, she didn't even take any notice of my dd till she was 2. We had a great bond and I used to cry over it. I don't know why but it happens.

I would bring it up with her. But don't ask what have you done wrong? As it automatically puts you in the wrong and gives her the opportunity to come up with something.

Ask her why does she behave this way with you? If she acts clueless say you cant help but notice that she has beenrude off hand and stopped returning your calls a while ago. And that the comment about the midwife upset you especially as you used to be so close.

This puts the ball in her court to explain her actions without an immediate ability to blame you.

See what she says and take it from there. Oh and next time she pushes past you, calmly and politely say "please don't push past I will move out of your way if you just ask"

Cailin - my Dh says he had a friend like that. Notice the had. He warned him if he didn't stop his behaviour then they wouldn't be mates - the guy was checking up on Dh, calling Dh's then GF bad names, interrupting dates and more intimate moments :) then getting really huffy when Dh told him to piss off for a few hours.
Dh met up with him a few years back willing to put it behind him and introduced me - he was totally rude, completely ignored me and reverted back.
Dh still hasn't forgiven him ,he said it felt like he behaved as if Dh was HIS boyfriend.
I have my own theory about the reasons for his behaviour :) but still it's all rather strange.

I know that when we first starting going into our local together (where myself and ex DF work) the bar maid (who was/still is a very close friend) used to make remarks like 'bleuugghhh pass me a bucket!' And 'get a room'

The thinks is, I wouldn't have minded if we were all over each other but we were just inconspicuously sat in the corner having a quiet drink and DP was giving me the odd kiss on the forehead. I often wonder if there have been several factors at play here. I know that people have been winding her up about it. She's a bit of an attention seeker. I also get the impression she doesn't like the fact that ive integrated into her family so well.

DPs ex DP and MIL didn't see eye to eye hated each others guts and I know that exDF and her DM would wind MIL up about her.

Nasty rumours saying that your ex friend fancies you, now that is bitchy. I think she's angry your put yourself into her family and yes maybe she is jealous she has lost you but does that mean she has the hots for you? Really? That is your side being bitchy.

Well her immature behaviour has shown that she was no friend to you. I would not want to be friends with her again.

Rebecca that was not my theory!! I was putting it out there as a reason for her behaviour. I was not being bitchy or smug. I'm trying to give a realistic view of the whole picture.

I have not simply put myself into her family. On the whole we keep ourselves to ourselves. It's not as if we're over bearing of have been shoving everything in her face. We've made every effort to ensure that wasnt the case for her sake.

Every one has always had to pussy foot around her. Our relationship was supported by DPs family from the outset and as time has wore on for whatever reason (probably because we refuse to get drawn into confrontations and nastiness) we have become less popular as a couple, only because we stand our ground

Does sound like jealousy in some form, but very odd about the 'bleeuggh' comments if you really weren't doing anything. Can I ask, I know you say DP is younger than his half-sister, but what's the age difference between you and him? Just wondering if it freaked her out you going out with someone she perceived as being from the older generation of her family? Not saying she's right if that's the case, but some people do have a problem with age gaps. I'd have been unnerved if any of my friends started dating my uncle, but perhaps you and DP are much closer in age?

He's 5 years older than me so not the biggest age gap but not the smallest either.