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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried and sad about ds non invite to party

40 replies

notnow2 · 06/01/2015 16:18

Ds is 7 and doesn't really have any friends at school - I think he plays with other children but he just joins in games rather than has any friends as such. He often stands alone at start of school day not really playing with anyone in playground when I drop off. Anyway there is one boy who he mentions quite a lot as having played tag with and he hasn't been invited to his party. Ds is not that bothered but it has upset me as it just proves to me how lonely DS must really be at school yet he is oblivious to it as he just runs around with whoever and then he thinks these are his friends Hmm

OP posts:
strawberryshoes · 06/01/2015 16:23

I think you should try to focus on the fact that your son is not bothered.

What we feel is important to them is not always what really is important to them.

If he mentions this lad a lot, would it be worth asking him over for tea? Maybe if you help to build the friendship it would strengthen it.

If you think maybe he is masking some disappointment, then you could make sure you do something nice on the day of the party so that when the other children are talking about it at school the next day, he also has something nice to think about. It is a slippery slope though, if your child never gets an invite, its a lot of "nice" outings to give them to make up for it!

(speaking as the mother of a child who never gets invited to parties, because DD1 is on the high functioning end of the autistic spectrum, so has trouble making and keeping friends. Sadly, it does bother her though because she loves a party!)

Littlehomebird · 06/01/2015 16:25

You have my sympathy- my son was exactly the same. I worried myself sick that he wasn't mixing with other children but came to realise he was happy in his own way. He only became upset/stressed when I tried to encourage him to join in go to clubs etc. it's just the way he is and I can't change him. He's now 18 and in his final year at school & nothing has changed. He has pupils who he can chat to in class & hAve lunch with but other than that he will not socialise. Having said that he's done the best academically coming top in his year. I can't help but feel he is denying himself social opportunities but that's the way he wants it.

Original poster
notnow2 · 06/01/2015 16:30

His social behaviour his very alien to me but I suppose he is who he is!

OP posts:
Heels99 · 06/01/2015 16:30

Do you invite other children to your house to play, Christmas parties, birthday events, bbqs etc? I find you have to invite people to things to get invited back. We have made a big effort to socialise with families at school as we are new in area and I has paid off.

Nanny0gg · 06/01/2015 16:33

I'd go in and have a chat to his teacher and see what their observations are.
It maybe that they can offer suggestions or actually help facilitate a 'buddy' so he isn't always on his own.

He may just need a little help in learning to integrate.

LadyLuck10 · 06/01/2015 16:34

Op do you invite other kids around. This boy in particular does he come around?

Littlehomebird · 06/01/2015 16:42

In my experience my son's teachers were not interested in this- they were only interested in how he was doing academically. His nursery teacher wrote on his report when he was 4 ".. Seems to prefer adults to other children" and she was absolutely right , he's still the same.

windchime · 06/01/2015 16:47

I know how you fell OP. Last year I had to drop something off at the school and it just happened to be playtime. I spotted DD playing completely on her own. She told me later no-one wanted to play with her, so she found a skipping rope and did about 100 laps of the playground! Since then, she has been invited to 4 parties and a sleepover. It breaks your heart at the time, but they just get on with it. We are not them.

windchime · 06/01/2015 16:47

*feel

Original poster
notnow2 · 06/01/2015 16:52

We don't have this boy round as I don't think he likes my DS. He very clearly has a best friend - they are joint at the hip - ds is a hanger on but he has invited other hanger on just not my DS. I feel sad as thought Ds might at least be considered as a last resort and be on this boys radar! Ha. I am very friendly with a mum of another boy in the class and have him round a lot but there isn't a best friendship blossoming!

OP posts:
emms1981 · 06/01/2015 16:53

My son is the same Sad he doesn't play with children on the playground in the morning, he just runs around and the older children tell him to go away, it breaks my heart because I see a lot of me in him but he's happy.

LadyLuck10 · 06/01/2015 16:54

Then you can't be upset with a non invite as the boy doesn't like your DS. I do feel for you though.

Feminine · 06/01/2015 16:55

I'd invite the little boy over for tea.
It won't hurt anything, and might help.
My eldest enjoys his own company, at 16 he has plenty of friends.
Sometimes those type if characters find more fulfilling relationships in their teen years. Try not to worry. :)

Original poster
notnow2 · 06/01/2015 16:59

I'm not upset with the non invite just what it represents as the bigger picture.

OP posts:
Original poster
notnow2 · 06/01/2015 17:00

It's so hard to pinpoint what I am upset about!

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Feminine · 06/01/2015 17:01

It doesn't represent anything. I mean that nicely.
I am sure as he grows, he'll make friends.
I've seen it quite a bit.
I'd still invite the little boy over, or another in his class. It can make all the difference, when they next hang out at school.
A shared experience...

Original poster
notnow2 · 06/01/2015 17:07

Ok - going to send a text to a dad now. Scared of rejection! Ha ha.

OP posts:
BuzzardBird · 06/01/2015 17:08

Hopefully you have a teacher that will care. I would ask the teacher for a little guidance on this. They might be able to shed some light on which children in the class might be a good match for your son to invite over for tea.

Chandon · 06/01/2015 17:10

mmm, well, I think you are going about it the wrong way.

Saying the other two boys are "joined at the hip", and the others are "hangers on", and you are not even ever inviting anyone because of this.

Sounds like a negative way of looking at things.

To GET invited to things, you have to start out by inviting people to yours. that is how life works for most people.

There is no fixed hierarchy with boys this age, in my experience (I have an 8 yr old boy and an 11yr old) and friendships and popularity fluctuates.

A positive step to take would be to just invite a few kids.

I feel you are taking this way too seriously, the friendship issues at this age. So maybe you invite someone who says no, so what? Or maybe you invite someone and it's not a success, so what? That si all part of it.

Been there done that Grin

relax about it, and just invite a nice kid every now and then and see where it takes you both.

Original poster
notnow2 · 06/01/2015 17:11

I've sent a text to a parent. Let's see

OP posts:
Chandon · 06/01/2015 17:15

oh well done!

It is hard to overcome fear of rejection.

I have had to ditch my aloofness and become positively sociable for the sake of my boys' social lives Wink

Ridingthestorm · 06/01/2015 17:15

When I was a child at school, I never had a 'best friend'. I hung around in groups and was occasionally invited to the odd party. But because I wasn't a best friend, looking back, I was actually slightly uncomfortable when in their company.
Even when it came to teams, I was last picked. Nobody wanted to be my bus partner or bunk bed partner during residential visits. No idea why, and still don't. I was never nasty. I was 'bright' - not top of the class but certainly on top table for some subjects, second to top for others.
I did have a small group of friends at high school but when I went to university, I found that large groups made me anxious. I felt intimidated, ignored and out of my depth. My mum always said that from being a toddler, I was quite happy to entertain myself and play on my own for hours.
What I am saying is, that your DS may be perfectly happy with the status quo. We on'the all need a best buddy or a 'clique' to hang out with. Even now, I have few friends. I am quite happy with that.

Original poster
notnow2 · 06/01/2015 17:23

I think it was because I spent my childhood desperate for a best friend and secure group of friends and was always one of 3 never knowing if I would get left out or not! DH is a bit of a loner so he doesn't get it. I think DS is just a loner. He doesn't care much about the party. I'll try to relax. Doesn't help that we might move when he is in year 4 so he'll have to start all over. It gives me stress!!

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Feminine · 06/01/2015 18:53

My children have moved quite a bit, the eldest (a bit like your son) was fine. This has included changing countries twice. .. Really well. Done for sending the message. Fingers crossed it helps you both. :)

Meh84 · 06/01/2015 19:02

That's made me feel so sad reading your post op. Has he ever told you that he feels left out or lonely at all?

Even if he is oblivious to it all, it doesn't stop you from hurting Flowers