to find it annoying when guests start eating before the host has finished serving

[carlajean]

We had a big (13 guests) family party over Xmas. It was cold food, so there was no concern about hot food going cold, but some people couldn't wait to start eating. I think it's greedy and rude not to wait until everybody's been served, especially as some people have almost finished by the time the host gets their own food. Why can't people wait for a few minutes?

That's fine. provided you also do t moan.they ate snacks and brought food if you decide to serve at times outside of normal toddler routines.

that of course is your decision and you serve when you see fit. but you can't have it both ways

I don't see it as 'etiquette for the sake of etiquette' at all. It's respectful to the person who's serving the food to everyone else.

It's not a thing in my family, at all. Even with my grandparents, you just start. I don't think I've been badly brought up - they want us to eat the food while it's hot! I have perfectly good table manners.

I don't understand how food can become cold if all the serving dishes are put on the table and then the empty plates. Serving dishes can be passed around and across the table from end to end so everyone is in the same boat.

If there are only a few (say, six) people eating and I know that they are pigs, I'll serve onto the plates in the kitchen and take the plates in two by two.

I was astounded to meet my step granddaughter for the first time and she was allowed to crawl over the table to a dish of what she wanted. She was 7. After that, if I went to visit, I would pick up a dish and offer it round, beginning with her. I hated having her arm across my face aiming for something. I'm sure I must have looked shocked because I've been told off for 'showing my thoughts' by people unrelated to this scenario.

Personally, I'm not talking about toddlers. They're too young to 'count'.

I'm talking about children old enough to sit up at the table and to understand that the world won't collapse if they wait the extra couple of minutes for everyone to have been served.

Midgeurecheddar, the idea of holding on to the cutlery till the last moment to stop human hogs bolting food as if it will be taken away again is a brilliant one. I'm going to do it next time my father or the ILs come to stay.

Can I say that I'm not talking about messing about arranging food on each plate in the kitchen, then carrying it ceremonially to each diner, in which case I understand why people could legitimately get bored watching their food go cold. I'm talking about DH standing at the table with a serving dish of pasta for four, with three other people passing their plates, having them filled and returned in ten seconds. BUT still starting to slurp spaghetti the second they have the plate in front of them.

Honestly, I've tried to find reasons down the years - do we eat late, so ILs are hungry? No, it happens with main courses even after a big starter. No idea.

I had this with Christmas day tea. Everything on the table but just bringing in the last few bits so call everyone to sit down. I was probably in the kitchen 30 seconds max and by the time I got in DM and my older DC (25+) had scoffed all the pringles, all the popcorn and most of the peanuts.

I should have remembered because DM has form for this, but short of making everyone line up until I've sat down I don't know how to stop it. I can shout at the DC (and did) but DM sulks when her greed is pointed out to her, which tends to result in an atmosphere.

Babycham waiting was not a thing in my family, we were taught table manners like how to ask to pass things and my Mum abhorred the holding of knives like pens. However I genuinely had no idea that it was impolite to start before everyone had their food. However I got through Cambridge just fine thanks very much-picked up the bits of etiquette that were different from home pretty quickly (like what direction to pass the claret ) and in any event half the time people were throwing food, downing wine in "boat races" and eating dessert with no cutlery.

We used to have this with PiL. As soon as a serving dish hit the table they would be helping themselves to whatever was in it. A passive aggressive 'children can start' when PiL were already chomping away completely passed them by.

I think that the problem was that they were so used to normally being just the two of them that they would forget that there were another 5 people who would be joining them.

We eventually solved the problem by not putting down any cutlery at all until everyone was sat down (last person to sit brought the cutlery).

wow - I think I got off pretty well for an AIBU, I came back expecting a roasting. I'll use the cutlery thing next time. Thanks all

Dhs family do this. They also make a point to serve much much MORE to the men in the family, and mere morsels to me any women present, and hardly anything to the kids.

I never plate up before serving. If there is a large group then food is placed on the centre of the table, empty plates, serving spoons and cutlery. No one sits down until everything is on the table and the meal is announced. Everyone can then help themselves as they please.
It also means the host is not popping up and down to get Uncle albert a second portion of stuffing or Auntie Rose more mash.

toughas I think jessie was answering an earlier poster who suggested that slipshod table manners could hold you back at an Oxbridge college - clearly not. (Although it might be cough port that only goes in one direction...)

jessie

YANBU! It's so rude and disrespectful to the cook! Just wait till everyone is seated please.
OP - when you said it was cold food, did you mean a buffet? Cos if so It's generally acceptable for people help themselves and start eating straightaway, as long as they've been given the go ahead.

shocking manners. My four year old has known for two years that we don't touch our cutlery or food until everyone is seated and served, and we have wished each other "bon appetit"

I do wait until everyone is served as I was brought up to believe it was good manners. I do wish that it wasn't considered rude in modern times. I expect it's a tradition that's come from aristocratic dining rather than working class, from the days when 30 people would be seated with staff serving them. I imagine it was only a matter of a couple of minutes before everyone had their food rather than waiting (and piling pressure on) some poor harassed soul who would rather people tucked into their food while it's still warm - I know I certainly would!