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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

17 yr Olds

54 replies

Weathergames · 05/01/2015 21:10

I work with teenagers so am pretty familiar with their psyche/what they get up to etc (and used to be a drugs worker - this is relevant).

Although with DS1 (who is now 17 and in yr 12 - first yr of college) it's the first time I've had my own 17 yr old.

He is normally lovely, polite, kind and caring. He has however always been extremely lazy laid back.

He could have done well at school but managed 3 GCSE's above a C and didn't get into 6th form so is doing a p/to course at college.

He had a job in retail which he hated and kept ringing in sick etc (was weekends and said it ruined his social life Hmm) so now has a p/t job in a fast food place - fine.

He's out and about with all his mates and often doesn't let me know if he needs to eat (forgets the rule dinner is at 6.30 if you don't let me know you don't get any) and all he is interested in is going to gigs, smoking weed and going to parties.

Having kept a tight leash on him during school to produce very poor results I am trying to give him a bit of freedom.

What has pissed me off tonight is that he does fuck all the bare minimum around the house (I work full time and my partner not his dad in forces) and he's on FB moaning in the most appalling English how bored he's going to be on his day off college tomorrow. I have pulled him up on this (not the English) and he was really rude to me and told me to stop stalking him on FB.

Please tell me what rules/boundaries you have for your 17 yr olds am I or is he BU?

I want him to be free but to continue to respect me and the boundaries here (he is eldest of 3 and OH also has 3 DC).

OP posts:
Original poster
Weathergames · 05/01/2015 22:37

This is the part of the problem he has no aim or direction - he is doing music tech but I can extract hardly any details from him as to what he does at college.

OP posts:
Angelto5 · 05/01/2015 22:38

I meant I wouldn't give him free reign!

Original poster
Weathergames · 05/01/2015 22:39

No he doesn't pay as still in education and I still get maintenance from his dad - I do however pay his phone bill which I am debating somewhat.

OP posts:
comingintomyown · 05/01/2015 22:42

My DS is just 18 and like yours is mostly lovely

I have been training my DC for years to pull their weight trying not to give in and go down the it's easier to do it myself route. It's very very wearing and only in the last year would I say DS is fairly quick to do what he's asked . Over time there have been no allowances paid as punishment that kind of thing.

Nowadays he does his own thing I don't really set boundaries apart from casual foul language around me which I hate he tows the line has a retail job which he works hard at and is ok at school and generally helpful. However let me stress again this has been years in the making !

Ive seen lots on MN talk about all manner of things their teens do so you will just have to decide on some key things and take it from there. Find something he will not be happy about having changed /withdrawn if he doesn't keep his end of the bargain and mean it

thecatfromjapan · 05/01/2015 22:42

Hello there. I have no advice - just sympathy: mine's similar. In fact, I responded to this post because mine has just made me cry. I love him so much but he doesn't talk to me and I worry about him. He also doesn't study/work.
Well, yours talks to you and brings his friends home - that's good. He's polite and kind - also good.
I think that if there was a brilliant solution to raiding the 'perfect' teen we'd have heard about it. So we can only conclude that there is no perfect way to parent and we will just have to stable on doing the best we can.
You sound like you are doing a great job - we'll have to hope that your ds puts in his fair share of the work.
For what it's worth I do know a lot of adults who went through a slightly irresponsible bit - some in their teens, some in their twenties, some later. Most have come through it.

Sigh. Now I need to work out what to do about mine ...

thecatfromjapan · 05/01/2015 22:43

Struggle on doing the best we can.

My 'phone hates me.Hmm

Fairenuff · 05/01/2015 22:46

Has he just stopped doing all the things around the house, or has he never done them?

Original poster
Weathergames · 05/01/2015 22:46

I have also been really strict but fair (sometimes overly trying to make up for the fact his dad has never supported me in parenting him apart from paying maintenance) and have been trying to allow him to put the "skills" I was hoping I had instilled in him to wise use - but at the moment I feel like he's just taking the piss.

He does hug and kiss me (and pay me on the head).

OP posts:
Original poster
Weathergames · 05/01/2015 22:46

Pat!!!!

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Spacemen3 · 05/01/2015 22:48

Well you know his Achilles heel. He is scared you will embarrass him in front of his mates. I would run with that Grin

I can get my DDS to do pretty much anything, by threatening to wind down the car windows and sing!

Original poster
Weathergames · 05/01/2015 22:48

He's always done as he was asked but now he's got days off etc he will slack off a lot (start college at 3 and not do anything that he knows doing ie empty dishwasher) and the dinner thing is annoying me.

OP posts:
Spacemen3 · 05/01/2015 22:50

Fwiw, I left school (and home) at 16 and got a job. I returned to education in my mid 20s and have an MSc in Physics

simbacatlivesagain · 05/01/2015 22:51

Do you leave a list? Mine will do specific jobs (usually) but wont 'see' things that might need doing.

comingintomyown · 05/01/2015 22:52

Well then start with the dinner by maybe making him make a meal and when he begins to understand the effort involved maybe he'll be more thoughtful ?

I know exactly how you feel about it and I've let that slide because it felt too restrictive to force them to be home every day at a certain time plus I love an excuse to not cook a full blown meal !

comingintomyown · 05/01/2015 22:53

Oh yes yes to lists that's what I've been doing lately then no one can claim they didn't hear me or no I didn't ask them to do that

oldestmumaintheworld · 05/01/2015 22:54

I've got a 17 year old son and do slightly understand where you are coming from, but not sure that my experience will be much use to you. I have found that I have had to be very strict about certain things: clean bedroom, appropriate clothing when we are out as a family and meal times. Don't get up - no food, don't do chores - no money, aren't respectful of me and my home - can't live at home. So I guess my question to you is where is he getting the money to go out, buy weed and go to parties. If the answer is from you then stop.

My son is required to:
Do his own laundry
Load any crockery used into dishwasher (not leave it under the bed)
No food/snacks in bedroom (don't want mice)
Cook a meal for the family once a week
Clean his own room once a week
Not swear at home
Get up on Monday to Friday at 7.30 without being called.
Attend dinner /lunch out with family once a week

He is allowed to:
Have a door key
Can go out on Saturday/stay over with friends provided he gets permission
Spend any money he earns in any way he wishes
Gets allowance for clothes, oyster card, phone

He does not have a games console/Xbox
No TV in room

Any infringement is jumped on immediately. Punishments are: losing phone, losing laptop, losing door key, losing allowance in that order.

I have found it hard to ignore the whining/complaining when punished but keep reminding myself I am his parent not his friend and just tell him to stop.

He does have high level of privacy. We do not enter each others rooms without knocking, do not FB stalk, do not question him about homework, do not ask about school, friends etc. He is expected to handle this himself and ask if he wants help.

I must admit I think I'm lucky. He is generally willing to please and hates being in trouble. But that may be because I'm vile when I'm cross and he knows it. You do not want to light the blue touchpaper!

Original poster
Weathergames · 05/01/2015 22:54

I save him some to microwave but not everything is microwaveable....

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 05/01/2015 22:56

Call a family meeting. Set the ground rules. Draw up a timetable. If he objects, listen to his reasons and negotiate until you come to an agreement.

( Personally I would say if you don't like my rules you don't have to live here but I wouldn't expect everyone to do that Grin )

Original poster
Weathergames · 05/01/2015 22:57

No I don't give him money.

OP posts:
Original poster
Weathergames · 05/01/2015 23:02

Thanks - I think I need to revisit what our expectations of each other are Grin

OP posts:
oldestmumaintheworld · 05/01/2015 23:06

And don't save meals. Make him go without, have toast, make his own. or be on time.

And yes, I get the pats on the head. Mines 6'3" and still growing. I think its a bit like having a large toddler in the house again. Give them limited choice, strict regime and immediate consequences like when they were two.

hiddenhome · 05/01/2015 23:13

Okay, I have a 16 year old and what I do to ensure he does what he's told is

Cut his internet off Smile

"Tidy your room or I cut the internet off"

"Wash your dishes or lose your connection"

"Fix your expression and come back and apologise, or the internet goes off"

Works like a bloody dream Wink

Original poster
Weathergames · 05/01/2015 23:16

Internet is a bit tricky as often others in the house using the internet who have done what is expected of them!

OP posts:
oldestmumaintheworld · 06/01/2015 13:38

Hi again Weathergames, I've been thinking about you and your son over night and hope you don't feel too fed up today. Having kids is sometimes such a PITA.

I was thinking about what I'd do in your situation and wondered if your son really understands what life as an adult will be like. Does he know what he wants to do, where he will live, what he will live on. Does he have dreams, aspirations? Maybe getting him to engage in his future might help. I also wondered if he has a Godfather, uncle, other important man in his life to talk to him about what being a grown man involves. Perhaps he just needs a bit of a road map to help him along. Does the careers service still exist? Could he see someone who might help him look at options.

I've found that with mine it has helped to keep him focused. He understands that if he wants a nice life and a lot of fun he has to work hard now. I do let him off the leash every now and again, but remind him that this horrible period will only last a short time until he finishes his A levels. When my daughter was going through a lazy, I 'don't care' phase we did a future map together. I got her to cut out pictures of what she would like to do, things she would like to have, places she would like to go to - in other words what her life would look like as an adult. And that got her to focus on how she would get all of these things and what it would cost to do so. I can't say it was magic, but it did help a bit.

Hope that helps. Good luck.

youareallbonkers · 06/01/2015 14:47

I've never have my teenage girls as FB or Twitter contactsthey blocked me anyway. I don't want them to know what I'm up to, I don't want to know what they're up to either (they're late teenagers).
Having said that; your house, your rules. Threaten him with throwing him out if he doesn't pull his socks up by any means, but be prepared to follow up with it.

You would kick a 17 year old out to live on the streets? Lovely!