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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Let down over Christmas plans

72 replies

leanmachine · 04/01/2015 11:09

My Mum and Dad flew to Dubai to see my older brother for Christmas so it was agreed that we would have our Christmas at New Year when they returned. Only they changed their plans.

They decided that they enjoyed the sun so much that they would stay on for an extra ten days so my Christmas didn't happen. They cannot understand why I am upset and cross with them.

OP posts:

WhatABaklava · 05/01/2015 07:28

YANBU, I'd be upset.

Bambamb · 05/01/2015 07:39

YANBU. Had you known in advance you could have made plans of your own. To have it dropped on you after spending Christmas alone absolutely sucks, I don't blame you for being upset. x

imjustahead · 05/01/2015 07:44

think your mum has been unfair, but you'll have to move on.
brilliant that you worked over xmas. good for you.
this next xmas might be a whole different one.

Kab13 · 05/01/2015 07:52

When I posted here saying i cancelled my plans with my in laws 3 weeks before Xmas 90% of people told me I was being incredibly unreasonable, inconsiderate and selfish.
I don't see how this is any different, why is anyone telling you you're being unreasonable for being upset!?
They've cancelled the Christmas you had arranged with them, last minute because they've found something better to do. Dubai or not, they should have said to start with if they wanted to stay longer.
Yadnbu, they are.
Clearly!

Vycount · 05/01/2015 08:19

Kab13 - the majority of posters seem to be saying Op is NBU and that she's justified in being upset.

Kab13 · 05/01/2015 08:21

I know, I'm just suprised to see people who think she is at all to be honest.

Icimoi · 05/01/2015 08:48

YANBU. It might be different if it had always been agreed that you would make your own arrangements. However, you deliberately didn't do so because they had agreed to celebrate with you, so in effect you have had virtually no Christmas at all.

DoItTooJulia · 05/01/2015 08:59

Op, it's shitty. No two ways about it.

Note to self though, Christmases are now all yours to do as you please with them. I know I wouldn't be hanging around next christmas. I'd save like nobody's business to go away somewhere for next christmas.

I wouldn't do this to my kids. If they could afford to extend an already expensive stay, why didn't they fly you out to join them?

QuintlessShadows · 05/01/2015 09:04

This advice is a golden nugget: You now hold a winning top trumps get out of jail free Christmas card which will be invaluable at some point in your future!

Bank this one, and know you will never ever have to pander to your parents at Christmas. If they ever try to put any pressure on you to spend "family Christmas" years from now when you may have a partner and children and have NO interest in time with them, one word "Dubai."

HouseBaelish · 05/01/2015 09:13

I find it incredibly rude actually. To make plans with someone and then to drop them at the last minute.

MorelliOrRanger · 05/01/2015 09:14

Aww this is rather sad, good for you doing the homeless shelter support over the Xmas period. Shame on your parents though. Can you not do something when they are home?

hiccupgirl · 05/01/2015 09:15

I was going to say YABU but at 22 as a student I would have been upset if my parents had suddenly decided to do something different at Christmas and left me on my own.

Def play the adult when they come back as it sounds like they are expecting you to throw a wobbly over it. I think it's hard that you weren't able to go too as that would have been the perfect solution.

Overall YANBU

Notnaice · 05/01/2015 09:26

I can understand that it was a one off, too good an opportunity to miss, but YANBU to be upset. They could have approached it more sensitively and "sold" it to you better.

StarOnTheTree · 05/01/2015 09:38

YANBU OP. I understand why they stayed but they could at least acknowledge that you are right to be upset and be trying to make it up to you but they don't seem to be doing that.

My dd is 20 and I can't even contemplate leaving her out at Christmas - though I'd be fine if she had other plans. But no way would I leave her on her own, make promises and then move the goal posts.

I might have a bit of a dilemma next Christmas when DD1 will be 19. We go away for Christmas and I think next year DD1 might want to stay at home. I have other friends who stay home because of their older DC (late teens/early twenties) and in reality these DC spend an hour having Christmas lunch with my friends/younger siblings and then they see them in passing. I'm not prepared to sit at home for 4/5 days just so that DD1 can have Christmas lunch with us/have us around. She can come away with us or stay home alone. Is that unreasonable?

MsVestibule · 05/01/2015 09:54

Leaving aside the rights and wrongs of your situation, how do you think your brother feels about your parents staying for an extra 10 days? I'd have been horrified at that age!!! Or perhaps they're staying in a hotel, so it doesn't affect him too much.

I'd be upset too, but Hesterton has good advice. Next time you speak to them, airily say "Oh, we're all adults now, we can all decide to do what suits us best without worrying too much about others." It means you can do exactly what you want to do in the future WRT where you spend your holidays/Christmas.

DrSeuss · 05/01/2015 10:03

I think there are two reasons that you are upset. Firstly, disappointment at missing out on what is generally regarded as something very special, secondly your brother being prioritized over you, something of which I have considerable experience and which I know to be very hurtful. I am very sorry for your hurt on both accounts, understand completely why you are upset and am shocked at their thoughtlessness.

Next Christmas, you should make plans for a special time for you with friends. Stuff 'Em, I say! My late mother would have pulled a stunt like this so I really feel for you.

ColdCottage · 05/01/2015 10:24

YANBU. Also if they could afford an extra 10 days couldn't they have treated you as your Christmas gift too?

I would have been sad to be alone on Christmas Day but have understood. But to then be dumped for an extra 10 days holiday would have really upset me.

Notnaice · 05/01/2015 10:25

And a third reason. They don't seem to be very understanding of why she is upset. It's one thing to do it, but another thing to be so dismissive of her feelings.

girlywhirly · 05/01/2015 10:33

YANBU to feel let down, but just think in the future when you have your own family and partner, may be living a long way from your parents, and they want you to travel to them for Christmas, you will have the option to refuse to go, or have them as guests at yours! I would go so far as to tell them this. I think your mums attitude stinks not acknowledging your disappointment, and it might bring it home to her that how she handled this could colour your ongoing relationship with her. Good on you for helping in the shelter over Christmas.

I think the important thing is to change your expectation of Christmas as a family get together in the future, don't make it the main focus otherwise you will be disappointed. Is there a planned party when your bro returns home in Feb?

ephemeralfairy · 05/01/2015 10:43

YANBU at all. I read time and again on here that it's not acceptable to change plans or cancel on someone just because a better offer comes up, and of course it's not. I don't see why it's different in this case. I would be upset in your position OP.

But I totally agree with the poster who said be magnanimous now and take advantage in the future...!

BlackeyedSantaStuckUpAChimney · 05/01/2015 11:38

oh love, that is an unkind thing to do to anyone at anyage. it will be your get out of jail card for the next forty years or so, which could be priceless inyears to come. not much consolation this year though.

FriendlyLadybird · 05/01/2015 11:45

YANBU, and I can't agree with the people who think you are.

You're not upset about the fact that they left you 'home alone' for Christmas proper; you're upset about the fact that they changed their plans and therefore left you with no family Christmas at all. In your shoes, I'd be terribly hurt and upset.

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