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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think BOTH parents should want to adopt?

63 replies

farmersmarket15 · 03/01/2015 22:41

Name changed.

DH wants a third child. I'm not desperate for one but I would.

However, he wants to adopt. I don't want to adopt. Just nothing appeals about it at all. It isn't the lack of genetic link but the worry about the process, impact on our birth children, the involvement of the child's birth family, that hugely worry me.

DH is making me feel like a horrible selfish person for saying no. He was orphaned young and I'm convinced he thinks he's adopting not a child but himself.

It's whirling around me like a washing machine. Can anyone help? I don't want a load of LTBs though! But just this row keeps rearing it's head.

OP posts:

Original poster

farmersmarket15 · 04/01/2015 17:43

I think we are all different: that would break my heart.

OP posts:

Threesocksnohairbrush · 04/01/2015 17:56

I think in the abstract I might have said the same, but in the reality it's so much less important than all the times when she howls for me in the middle of the night and then snuggles into my arms looking as if it's the only place she ever wants to be :)

But I think I am straying into trying to address the reasons you give. Top and bottom, you're not a bad person if you don't want to do this and you don't have to justify yourself either to us or DH.

Do you think DH is motivated by altruism or by really wanting to be an adoptive parent? Because if altruism I don't think that is the best foundation for him - the alternatives TeenandTween suggest may be a far better bet.

JammyJimmy · 04/01/2015 17:58

Another adoptive parent here. My dd was adopted (well placed) at birth with us in a foster to adopt placement so it is possible to adopt a very young baby but it doesn't happen that regularly.

Both dh and I desperately wanted to adopt but it certainly hasn't been easy getting through the process etc and if we both weren't completely committed we wouldn't have made it.

I think you should perhaps go to an adoption open evening with dh. The social workers always try to show the reality of adoption and the issues the children may have. Dh deserves the right to try to convince you in the same way you deserve the right to say that ultimately it's not for you.

Also it's not selfish saying you don't want to adopt. Lots of times adopters get sick of people saying how wonderful they are and what a noble thing they've done, how lucky the children are etc. It's a complete crock of shit. The vast majority of adopters want to be parents and that's the bottom line. Yes our children may have more complex issues but that doesn't make us saints. If people entered into adoption from an entirely altruistic point of view a hell of a lot more adoptions would break down.

Andrewofgg · 04/01/2015 18:02

Whether it's adoption or biological parenthood: whichever says No trumps whichever says Yes. Every time. However painful it might be for whichever says Yes.

Original poster

farmersmarket15 · 04/01/2015 18:07

Aw Three that's so lovely.

Quite honestly I don't know - we did go to an open evening you see before I got pregnant with dc2. Obviously then I got pregnant.

I was terrified a bit put off at the open evening. DH was not! I think he does feel altruistically which of course is a worry - he understands loss and wants to help.

I'm not sure about fostering either - I just feel that as a teacher by trade it's like taking work home with me (and it would be me: DH would not do the SAH thing.)

OP posts:

BeaLola · 04/01/2015 18:16

Yes in answer to your q. Yes you both should want to utterly and completely . We have an adopted DS. He is wonderful and by that I mean he is the best thing we have ever done plus the hardest. He is our only child. I would not adopt again for a few reasons one important one being the impact on him feeling abandoned / not good enough but this is due to his personal set of circumstances. I feel for you. I would talk honestly with your DH like you are and I would find out more from your local authority so you can make a fair judgement.

MrsCakesPrecognition · 04/01/2015 18:19

Perhaps that is the nub if it? That your DH expects to be able to dictate that you will become primary carer to a child (whether adopted of fostered) that you don't want to be primary carer to. That, as you edge towards your 40s and after what will have been 11years of continuously parenting small children, you should set aside you concerns and devote your 40s and 50s to parenting a child you don't want. What will he bedoing practically?

roastednut · 04/01/2015 18:20

Reading this with interest as my DH would consider adoption but I won't. Difference with us is we have been unable to have biological children and this won't change (both early 40s now).
It does make me feel like 'the bad guy' and yet I'm just not up for it despite than meaning I will never be a mum. We haven't had any rows, and he says that's fine he accepts my thoughts, but I do worry that one day he will resent me for not allowing us to pursue it. It's very hard.

Phineyj · 04/01/2015 18:21

We looked into adoption and one of the things that put me off was the expectation from most agencies that one parent will take a year off work (I was freelance). If your DH isn't prepared to be a stay at home parent then I think it would be outrageous of him to expect you to. The impression I get is that with adoption or fostering you may need to manage on one salary for quite some time while expenses would go up.

Original poster

farmersmarket15 · 04/01/2015 18:32

I am a SAHM.

DH earns a pretty significant amount - about treble what I would at the top of my payscale.

Roasted sympathies, it is hard.

OP posts:

ILovePud · 04/01/2015 18:34

I think this is such a tough situation for both of you, neither of you is being unreasonable in what you want, you just want different things. I think it would be unreasonable of your DH to put pressure on you over this though as you've said it has to be something that both potential parents are fully committed to. Whether or not you expressed an interest in this in the past you have a right to change your mind. I'm sure this is something you can work through together though, keep talking about your feelings with each other. There really isn't a compromise position on this but I did wonder whether your DH's desire to help others could be channelled in a different way, one that you could happily support him with?

HumpsLumps · 07/01/2015 23:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SugarOnTop · 08/01/2015 00:58

yes, you both need to be 100% on the same page.

He was orphaned young and I'm convinced he thinks he's adopting not a child but himself. This is incredibly insulting. i would be extremely insulted and offended by that comment if i were your partner.

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