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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think BOTH parents should want to adopt?

63 replies

farmersmarket15 · 03/01/2015 22:41

Name changed.

DH wants a third child. I'm not desperate for one but I would.

However, he wants to adopt. I don't want to adopt. Just nothing appeals about it at all. It isn't the lack of genetic link but the worry about the process, impact on our birth children, the involvement of the child's birth family, that hugely worry me.

DH is making me feel like a horrible selfish person for saying no. He was orphaned young and I'm convinced he thinks he's adopting not a child but himself.

It's whirling around me like a washing machine. Can anyone help? I don't want a load of LTBs though! But just this row keeps rearing it's head.

OP posts:
Jelliebabe2 · 03/01/2015 23:31

Of course you both need to be 100% up for it. However if you have young children yourself, you are not likely to be approved anyway. Why don't you look at the guidelines in your area. It may be a more acceptable reason for your husband iyswim.

Bulbasaur · 03/01/2015 23:35

"However, he wants another child. I don't want one. Just nothing appeals about it at all... DH is making me feel like a horrible selfish person for saying no."

Think of it like a birth child. You're not getting an "adopted child" you're getting a child that will be yours and be part of your family. So if the above scenario is not good for a biological child, it's certainly not good for an adoptive child.

Both parents need to absolutely be on board. DH was adopted, and his father was not on board with it. This caused lots of resentment between the two.

You're not getting a puppy where only one person needs to be responsible for it and the other can just ignore or be a nonperson. You both need to be hands on with the child and raise him/her together.

Original poster
farmersmarket15 · 03/01/2015 23:36

DCs are 7 and 9 months so in the case of the 9 month old this obviously would be a good 'excuse'.

However DH's "theory" is that when dc2 starts school (so in 2018) we could start the process and when she is about five or six and dc1 twelve or thirteen bring a new brother or sister into the mix.

It feels so horrible to not want to. I know it sounds so straightforward but when you're the one saying 'no, think of this, think of that, what about this' - it feels mean.

OP posts:
PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 03/01/2015 23:48

It's very unlikely you would have a newborn.

That child would have been with his birth mother first, then foster family and then to you.

My cousin little boy I think was 9 months old by the time the adoption was complete.

SS have a lot a requirements before you will be considered.

I think as its already effecting your relationship then as a couple you wouldn't be able a cope through the process.

Original poster
farmersmarket15 · 03/01/2015 23:50

I know, I haven't dismissed DH's dream out of hand, I have looked into it and concluded I don't think it's for me.

OP posts:
newyearsresolutionsnotforme · 03/01/2015 23:54

YANBU, you both have to want to adopt just as you'd both have to want to ttc another DC- no one persons wishes should overrule. Your DH is being very unfair to you for trying to manipulate and guilt.

Maybe someone whose been in the position of not wanting to ttc another (or even one) DC when their partner's been desperate too can help more? They'd likely have felt similar.

Canigetanamen · 04/01/2015 00:00

I am an adopter and agree with you however I think of you look into it propley then say no you can be accused of giving it a fair go

I don't think you have aduty to say yes but do have a duty to do research and give it a proper think

Bulbasaur · 04/01/2015 00:26

That child would have been with his birth mother first, then foster family and then to you

What about international adoptions? Here in the US it was a big "trend" for a while to adopt girls from China, because they all kept getting abandoned in orphanages due to the 1 child rule.

Threesocksnohairbrush · 04/01/2015 01:20

Okay! Well the potentially reassuring bit is that no local authority would be likely to want to take you on until DD is at least 3 to 4, as they would want to approve you for a child at least 2 years younger and the youngest 'range' they'd go for would be 0-2.

Strikes me that all sorts of things might have changed in your life over those three or four years. You and DH might develop your careers, get used to the freedom of having school age kids, and really not want to go back to basics. Or you might not. DD1 at 10 will undoubtedly have a view on the subject and that will be a significant part of the assessment.

Could either you or DH cope with the idea of leaving it and agreeing to revisit the subject in a couple of years? It might be you'd feel differently, or he would - but he should not be guilt tripping you now or ever.

It's very difficult to get the right balance when advising people as an adopter, and I remember some of the threads you're talking about. I think some of them were driven by the particular situation of the original poster. It is very hard. As an adopter I will talk anyone's hind leg off about adoption, love to hear of people embarking on the journey and go misty eyed when I see new adoptive families - but would hate to see anyone going into adoption who didn't really want to and didn't feel equipped for the challenge.

All the best.

CallMeExhausted · 04/01/2015 01:46

My DH and his sister were both adopted as infants. My DH was surrendered only because his birth mother was 15 when she got pregnant, and 50 years ago, it was the only option.

However, his sister was born alcohol and drug exposed, and to be honest, his parents are still, in their 80s, dealing with the repercussions.

In all reality, unless both parents are 100% behind adoption, the likelihood of being approved is slim. I understand your DH's rationale behind wanting to adopt, I do, but being the rescuer is not always the "white knight" picture.

He could make a huge difference working with fatherless children on a voluntary basis if you can't come to an agreement on adoption.

luckygirl322 · 04/01/2015 10:19

I'm an adoptee. BOTH parents should ABSOLUTELY want to adopt. This is not something to let your husband push you into-it's a lifelong commitment.

Original poster
farmersmarket15 · 04/01/2015 10:24

Well I do know that it's a lifelong commitment!

OP posts:
woundbobbin · 04/01/2015 10:33

I think that most areas do adoption interest days they are led by social workers who specialise in adoption & fostering they give info about the process you could always go to one with your husband and then you could have a conversation re remember when the sw said about the impact on birth children that's what worries me or when she said about contact with birth family that what makes me not want to do it. It might give you more clout to close the subject.

letsgotothebeach · 04/01/2015 10:35

You both have to be 100% behind the decision, and you would be unlikely to be approved for it otherwise. You spend a long time discussing with your social worker about your reasons for adopting and they would certainly pick up on anyone not being completely committed to the idea.

littleleftie · 04/01/2015 11:13

To be honest there is no way you would get through the process so it's all a moot point.

I agree with PP that he should be looking at other ways of making a difference, rather than trying to bully you into making an important life chaging decision that you are unsure of.

Original poster
farmersmarket15 · 04/01/2015 11:20

Look, I didn't post to say 'will we get through ' - I already feel rubbish. If he/we started the process and were turned down because of me that wouldn't make me feel good

OP posts:
PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 04/01/2015 11:21

Not 100% sure but chinese adoption is even harder.

www.internationaladoptionguide.co.uk/from-which-countries-is-it-possible-to-adopt-from/adopting-from-china-into-uk.html

littleleftie · 04/01/2015 11:32

Sorry farmers, didn't mean to upset you. I think what we are saying is that with the way things are, you certainly couldn't start the process, because, as you say, being turned down because of your reluctance wouldn't help your relationship any. To be frank, if the SW realised DH was "adopting not a child but himself" they might exclude you because of concerns about his motives.

You come across as very balanced and measured. I am afraid DH might have to accept that he isn't going to get his way on this.

Would counselling help do you think?

AcrossthePond55 · 04/01/2015 17:00

I think that, unfortunately, you and he have come to an impasse. But I think you have the 'higher ground' (IMHO). The decision to NOT have (or in this case adopt) a child trumps the decision to have one since it's the innocent child that is impacted by having a parent that didn't really want (or to adopt) the child and/or only said yes to pacify their spouse or keep their marriage intact.

It simply remains for the person who truly wants a child to leave and find someone else who does. If you read threads about "I want a child, he/she doesn't" that's pretty much what they are told. No one says "Oh, go on just get pregnant over your spouse's objections" or "You are a meanie, have a child for your spouse". In a way, you are in the same situation.

I really think you both should see a counselor to try and work this through.

But, FWIW, I never told my mum that she 'wasn't my real mother'. She was and is, in every REAL sense of the word.

CateBlanket · 04/01/2015 17:13

YANBU in not wanting to adopt. You are being VERY unreasonable (along with Piperchocolate) to suggest the adoptive mum is any less a "real" mother.

TeenAndTween · 04/01/2015 17:13

I agree with what the other adopters have said.

One thing you could possibly consider when your kids are older is respite fostering. It's not full time, and it's not adoption. But it is a valuable break for the main carers of a child, either because of behavioural or medical/disability needs. (Or maybe your DH could give up his current work and become a SAHD and foster carer.) Fostering of course comes with its own set of uncertainties and problems, but the type of commitment is different and the emotional aspects of contact with birth family would be way different too.

We adopted siblings and it has been fantastic. But I really take my hat off to those who have BC and then adopt because of the massive uncertainty of the effect on the BC. Not for the fainthearted.

Original poster
farmersmarket15 · 04/01/2015 17:27

I'm not, Cate. I am saying if the child said to me 'you are not my real mother' it would kill me.

Bit of a difference :)

OP posts:
RhiWrites · 04/01/2015 17:29

You won't be allowed to adopt if you're not both all in.

Original poster
farmersmarket15 · 04/01/2015 17:36

Yes we have established this. It's the pressure on my relationship rather than the hypothetical adoption I am most concerned with.

OP posts:
Threesocksnohairbrush · 04/01/2015 17:38

Just again fwiw, my DD who's 6 can and does tell me 'you're not my real mum' in the height of temper. Because she can. It's somewhere on a par with my best friends dd announcing she's going to go and live in Africa (because they have relatives in Africa and therefore this seems a viable option)

It actually doesn't bother me any worse than the rest of the tantrum. Because I AM her mum. Yes, she has a birth mum, and the relationship she develops with her as an adult will be up to her. But I am and always will be her mum by adoption, love and (least importantly) law. She has the security that every child needs of being stuck with me, however awful she or I are Smile

Don't know if that helps at all.