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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To caveat a wedding acceptance with this:

63 replies

Schweetheart · 03/01/2015 19:28

"We would love to come to your wedding (a 4.5hr drive away) but it will largely depend on whether dd2, who will then be 7mths and is a staunch ebf'd bottle refuser who wakes every 2.5 hours from 7pm-7am, sleeps better and will take a bottle by then"....

It's likely that dd1 (3yo) will stay over at my parents and then dd2 will stay with PIL. Currently dd2 can only be consoled by me, not even DH. I think she's teething which obv isn't helping the clingyness but I can't imagine she'll be easy to leave in another 6-7 weeks from now.

I find it hard to leave my dc with people anyway and am generally a bit like a lioness when breast feeding so this is worrying me.

The wedding is someone in my extended family who I'm not specially close to. I'd feel lame saying now that we couldn't go but I don't want to spend the next 6 weeks worrying about this. I'm happy to keep trying a bottle but don't have a huge amount of time to do so, and I'm not inclined to try any kind of sleep training yet, and certainly not just for this wedding.

PIL are capable I'm sure but they both work full time, are in their early 60s and haven't even babysat for an evening for us since dd2 was born. As things stand I think it would be horrific and exhausting for them and for dd2.

We'd need to leave around 8am then be back the following day at lunchtime.

OP posts:

simbacatlivesagain · 03/01/2015 19:40

take your parents to the hotel. Book 2 rooms (theirs a family room). then you all stay over and they babysit but you are on site.

Original poster

Schweetheart · 03/01/2015 19:41

Sorry I should add it's strictly no children. The bride did email me before the invites went out to warn me and I wrote back saying thanks for letting me know, and that as I'm bf-ing dd2 we'd have to see how it goes as IMO (dd1 was also a bottle refuser though did eventually give in) the bf-ing makes it harder to leave babies for a longish period of time.

OP posts:

Highlandbird · 03/01/2015 19:41

I would just not go rather than give the bride and groom something they might worry about (last minute seating plans etc)
I've had to decline a friends wedding in April as I have nobody to look after my dc's (4 and almost 2 then) and also I'm not too sure about leaving them overnight even if I did have someone....child free wedding, just the way it is sometimes. I'm sure they will understand.

Highlandbird · 03/01/2015 19:42

And there's no chance I would have left my cd overnight at 7 months as bf is the only thing that settled them! I think it's perfectly reasonable to decline.

NameChange30 · 03/01/2015 19:42

Decline and send them a wedding gift. With a "strictly no children" wedding they have to expect that parents with small children might not come.

WooWooOwl · 03/01/2015 19:43

You can't RSVP with a maybe, you either need to say yes or no otherwise you are just being self centred and inconsiderate.

I'd like to think I'd man up and go, but remembering back to when my babies were tiny, I think I'd have probably felt better declining.

LuluJakey1 · 03/01/2015 19:43

Oh just don't go.
If things have changed by then, you and DH could have a night in a hotel somewhere nice anyway.

MistAndAWeepingRain · 03/01/2015 19:45

Just decline. You've said you aren't particularly close and you've already given the bride a heads up that you might not be able to go.

Accepting with a caveat is really unhelpful. They will need to sort out how many meals to pay for and seating plans etc. Say no now so they have a chance to invite someone else.

Original poster

Schweetheart · 03/01/2015 19:46

Ok thanks - am feeling much better about declining. I was out for 3 hours the other day with dd1 only and fed dd2 just before I went so knew she wasn't hungry as such.. She screamed for an hour solid with DH at nap time (she's a cat napper) then finally conked out doing big sighy sniffs.

I guess if I can't leave her for 3 hours, leaving her overnight definitely ain't gonna happen....

OP posts:

championnibbler · 03/01/2015 19:47

i would not go.

petalunicorn · 03/01/2015 19:49

I too think you should decline rather than send that reply.

If you do want to go have you tried beakers rather than bottles? I had good success with beakers from 6 months with bottle refusers, but mine did sleep in the night by then so maybe not the same. Tommie Tippee was easiest to get them to drink some from, ones with straws the best for getting them to drink a decent volume, once they'd got the hang of it.

OriginalGreenGiant · 03/01/2015 19:50

You have to decline! The bride and groom will be paying £100 per head for food

What?! Says who? Did the op say that?

expatinscotland · 03/01/2015 19:50

Yep, decline.

Original poster

Schweetheart · 03/01/2015 19:52

Btw - I wouldn't have used those actual words!!!

OP posts:

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 03/01/2015 19:57

Definitely decline. Not worth the hassle. If you really, really wanted to go I'd say pay for another room for your parents etc, but you aren't that fussed. Nothing to stop you going away with DH when DD1 is more easily settled.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 03/01/2015 19:57

You sound ambivalent. Decline or start leaving DD2 a lot more for the sighy sniffs acknowledging that she will have to suck it up if she doesn't take a bottle by then.

My DD1 was mix fed from birth. 7months coincided with 4 top teeth at once , total bottle refusal and weaning from bf as I was returning to work at 8 months involving v v long haul travel. She dug her heels in and wouldn't touch milk for another 6 months...v stressful It's not a good time to force the point in my view (assuming you go hell for leather for the next 6 weeks) but keep offeringbut she will survive 36 hrs. Your PIL might never offer to sit again though.

PowderMum · 03/01/2015 20:03

I'd tell you to get a grip, but if you want to continue EBF, then a child free wedding would be impossible, so decline.

I currently have a DN the same age as your baby and if his parents wanted to go to a child free wedding then the baby would happily stay with me for 36 hours but then she happily takes a bottle.

Original poster

Schweetheart · 03/01/2015 20:06

I think I'm more worried about what other people will say rather than actually wanting to go.

Dd2 will likely be our last baby so I'm trying to enjoy all and perhaps selfishly don't want to add in any additional - and somewhat unnecessary - stress.

Thanks, you've helped me sort my thoughts! MN is great therapy!!

OP posts:

Picturesinthefirelight · 03/01/2015 20:07

I would decline if you are not sure.

I had to decline an invitation as the rsvp date was before I found out whether dd had a lead role in a musical or whether she was just junior chorus (rehearsal clashed with the wedding),it was child free & so there would have been issues with someone to both look after ds & take dd to a rehearsal 40 miles away from home.

MinceSpy · 03/01/2015 20:09

OP decline the invite. The bride and groom need to know a firm yes or no, you only think your in laws are competent and you think you EBF. Don't accept its simply not fair on anyone.

Original poster

Schweetheart · 03/01/2015 20:09

Taking parents with isn't an option. My dad and stepmum would be the babysitters. The wedding is someone in my stepdad's family.

OP posts:

Floggingmolly · 03/01/2015 20:18

You can't expect to be counted in and have a place held for you on that basis, surely? . When would you have let them know that your provisional yes was actually a no, and what do you think they'd then do with the places reserved for you??
Just Say No.

SillyBugger · 03/01/2015 20:28

Decline. Strictly no children - they're not going out of their way for you, they are not that desperate for you to go. Don't go out of your way for them - it will be an expensive pain in the arse for all of you. I'm sure you, your kids, and your PILS would all have a nicer weekend if you stayed at home, and then you won't be worrying about this for weeks and getting frustrated, and they won't be worrying about whether or not you'll be there.

Ragwort · 03/01/2015 20:45

You have to decline - it is strictly no children. Setting out a 'caveat' is just incredibly bad manners.

Most hosts expect a few invitees to decline - it can be a nuisance if everyone accepts .

NorbertDentressangle · 03/01/2015 20:50

I would just decline it too.

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