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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Re family childcare

71 replies

olafisking · 02/01/2015 00:55

DH and I both work full time. DS started school in September and goes to afterschool club but we made no formal childcare arrangements for holidays as after discussing with both sets of grandparents we decided we could cover what was needed using our own annual leave and support from them. At October half term we took AL and at Christmas my holidays matched, however we now need to think about Feb half term.

ILs always said they would help with this one and so we discussed the logistics today. They live at a distance (about 2 hour drive) and MIL had got the impression that we would drop DS with them and leave him for the week. I said no, he's not 5 yet and has only ever been away from us 1 night, 5 would be too many for him and for me. Maybe when older but not now. I had meant them to come and stay here, if not for the full week then 3 days would be enough.

MIL got really annoyed about this and was trying to push it saying they couldn't come here, jobs to do at home, wanted to take him to see family etc. I just said if that was the case then my parents were available as back up if needed which she didn't like.

It's been left that they will have a think and get back to us but WIBU to not be willing to pack my four year old off for 5 nights?

OP posts:

dixiechick1975 · 02/01/2015 10:24

Mine goes to grandmas but usually 3 or 4 nights as I work part time. Has done since starting school (stayed over for shorter periods before that)

Childcare will be easier once her turns 5 - a lot of holiday clubs will only take from 5.

I do a mix for DD some holiday time in various clubs, some time at grandmas.

It is a massive favour by the grandparent and you can't expect them to put their life on hold.

Makes a change for DD - she can visit attractions local to grandma.

Makes an easier week for me too - no school run or ferrying to afterschool clubs just work and home.

I speak to DD twice a day on the phone.

theeternalstudent · 02/01/2015 10:25

I would much rather that my DD stayed with loving GP's over the holidays than go to Out of School Club or equivalent. I also try and make things as easy for GP's as I really appreciate their help. So, if that means DD stays at their house, so be it. They have a fantastic relationship and DD has lots of fun. I realise that I am very lucky with them.

BarbarianMum · 02/01/2015 10:30

Seems like the perfect situation for compromise. Ds spends 2 nights w your inlaws and you/your dh/ your parents cover the rest of the week.

mimishimmi · 02/01/2015 10:57

I think YABU if you expect grandparents who live over two hours away to provide holiday care and travel each day for that or to stay at yours at their inconvenience when there are things they need to do at home.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 02/01/2015 10:59

Sounds like a genuine misunderstanding and it is easy to see why it happened. What matters most is making sure DS is happy with the solution so that he doesn't start to complain about going to stay with your pils. I agree with the other posters who suggested starting with one or two nights. He may well love it and you can build up to longer periods.
Yanbu to put his needs above those of pil - that's your job!

Mammanat222 · 02/01/2015 11:02

Can see both sides of the argument here, but ultimately you know PIL live a distance away and you should have probably clarified how it would work with PIL when you initially discussed childcare?

Any room for compromise? DS goes for a few nights and then you or Dad cover the last two days of the holiday?

Aridane · 02/01/2015 13:26

YABU

florentina1 · 02/01/2015 15:32

I do not think anyone is being unreasonable. The question is not should a child of that age stay for away from home for an extended period but whether your child should. You know him best, you know if he will cope, you know if he will be homesick. Therefore you are not being over protective.

Now for the Gps. My Gks have stayed with us for extended periods from a young age, no problems, but they are all very self confident kiddies.

Because of collecting the older ones from school, I quite often have to stay one or two nights at there own home. I get on well with my kids and their partners HOWEVER it is much more tiring doing that than minding them in my own home.

On a final note, it is quite possible that the GPs have underestimated how tiring looking after a youngster can be. If they are tired, the child is homesick, then it will not be happy experience for anyone.

In you circumstances I would make alternative arrangements but explain you reasoning so that you MiL does not get offended.

muminhants · 02/01/2015 15:33

As Fish has suggested, in your position I would find a holiday club for 3 days in February half term and ask in-laws to have your child for 1 night (so 2 days) and gradually build up the days each holiday until you are up to 5.

mummytowillow · 02/01/2015 17:06

YABU my daughter has been going to her GP's a three hour drive away since she started reception.

I'm a lone parent, and need help with childcare so I suck it up!

I don't want to be away from her for a week but that's the tough choice I have to make

YellowTulips · 02/01/2015 17:14

I think you are being a bit precious tbh (assuming your child has a good relationship with grandparents).

My DS has stayed at both sets of GP's for half term/in the summer for a week since he started school and always loved it.

It's been great for his relationship with them and vice versa. He's always seen it like a mini-holiday.

My parents are pretty near and IL's 2 hours away so for them we meet them half way and do a handover when we take him and usually combine the "pick up" with an overnight at their house where we take them out for dinner as a thanks.

It's good for your child to get some independence from you and assuming GP's are responsible the only downside is that you will miss your child far more than they will you - as they will be having a great time and likely being spoilt rotten

BikeRunSki · 02/01/2015 17:18

In my experience - and observing others' - family childcare only works on the care giver's terms.

campingfilth · 02/01/2015 17:32

My DS did this in the summer and he stayed for 6 nights, had an absolute blast and can't wait to go again.

fluffymouse · 02/01/2015 17:50

The problem with family childcare is that you are unable to set the terms as it is offered as a favour.

If you are unhappy with the terms offered (ie staying over) then you need to look at paid childcare options like a childminder, holiday club or nanny.

mynewpassion · 02/01/2015 17:52

If they stay over, I bet the OP will likely have a post about the ils.

Saki5000 · 02/01/2015 18:17

I can understand why your in laws would prefer it if your ds stays with them during the holidays but you know your child best and if you don't think he is ready to be away from home for five days they shouldn't pressurise you into letting him stay with them. Your ds will probably be happier at a holiday club or with your parents (assuming they live nearby and he won't be staying with them).

MrsDiesel · 02/01/2015 18:21

I wouldn't want my dc going for that long but that is totally my issue. In your circumstances I would use your parents or holiday club Mon & Tue, drop off dc Wednesday am going into work late and making up the tine at the end of the day. Then pick him back up Fri after work, three days childcare for 2 nights away.

SpiceAddict · 02/01/2015 18:43

I think the issue is that your mil still work so she would also want the time to have a break & do 'jobs'.

My parents and pils stay over when they help with childcare as dd is not ready to stay without me yet ( we tried & she got hysterical). She is only 3 though so will try again when she is older. Ds is 6 and would be fine. They are all retired so they enjoy staying with us & treat it as a break!

I don't think either party ibu but your child's needs come first. If he will not be comfortable staying away then mil should either come to stay or you will have to arrange something else unfortunately

GertyD · 02/01/2015 18:49

To be honest, I probably would allow them to have him from the Monday to the Friday. It is good for them to spend time with him, good for him to go on an adventure to his grandparents, and spend time being fussed the way grandparents do, and good for you and your DH to get some quality time together in the evenings. I don't think 5 days is long in the grand scheme of things.

Saki5000 · 02/01/2015 18:56

My eldest dd would have been okay at that age but my youngest certainly wouldn't have liked it. I don't think that anyone will have a nice time (including your in laws) if your DS isn't happy being away from home for that long so you should do what you think is best.

DoJo · 02/01/2015 18:59

I don't think YABU - it's just a misunderstanding and you both had different ideas about what holiday childcare meant. It's not the end of the world, but if you have an alternative that you are happy with then they are being unreasonable to get sniffy about it.

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