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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Re family childcare

71 replies

olafisking · 02/01/2015 00:55

DH and I both work full time. DS started school in September and goes to afterschool club but we made no formal childcare arrangements for holidays as after discussing with both sets of grandparents we decided we could cover what was needed using our own annual leave and support from them. At October half term we took AL and at Christmas my holidays matched, however we now need to think about Feb half term.

ILs always said they would help with this one and so we discussed the logistics today. They live at a distance (about 2 hour drive) and MIL had got the impression that we would drop DS with them and leave him for the week. I said no, he's not 5 yet and has only ever been away from us 1 night, 5 would be too many for him and for me. Maybe when older but not now. I had meant them to come and stay here, if not for the full week then 3 days would be enough.

MIL got really annoyed about this and was trying to push it saying they couldn't come here, jobs to do at home, wanted to take him to see family etc. I just said if that was the case then my parents were available as back up if needed which she didn't like.

It's been left that they will have a think and get back to us but WIBU to not be willing to pack my four year old off for 5 nights?

OP posts:

Eltonjohnsflorist · 02/01/2015 07:34

Yabu to think someone would come to your house and stay 5 days or commute to your house. That is too big an ask- who wants to stay at someone else's house all that time?
I would book a holiday club personally.

KnackeredMerrily · 02/01/2015 07:37

If he's been for a night can you take him for 2 days? Be hard and a lot of driving but if he gets used to it you can eventually get him to be able to stay and have more childcare.

It's totally unreasonable to ask them to stay at your house 5 days whilst you're working

KnackeredMerrily · 02/01/2015 07:38

*1 night 2 days i mean

vintagecrap · 02/01/2015 07:40

I think it is too much to expect them to come to you for 5 days, and they are doing you a favour. You need to think long term here as holidays do happen about every 6 weeks.

Feb is a while away so plenty of time for him to have a one night sleep over to see how he goes.

But i can't see any problem with a 5 year old staying 5 days. It's a bit of a needs must situation.

DurhamDurham · 02/01/2015 07:46

When both my girls were younger I had to take up the offer to send them to their grandparents for the week, it wasn't ideal but it worked for us. We worried they were too young and would miss us. I think we missed them a lot more than they missed us, they were kept thoroughly entertained every day.

We have always used a combination of grandparents and holiday clubs to cover school holidays. Living hub folders of miles from both sets of grandparents meant that overnight stays were unavoidable .
Occasionally the grandparents came to stay with us but usually it was at their house so that they weren't as inconvenienced and could choose to spend their days how they wanted with their grandchildren. Neither set of grandparents saw our girls on a very regular basis due to distance but when they did see them it was for a week at time, my girls have grown up to very close to their grandparents and I think it was the holidays spent with them that cemented their relationship.

BeeInYourBonnet · 02/01/2015 07:47

I did this with my DM/DF although just for three days. I'd go and settle Dd in at their house on a Sunday and go back on Wednesday evening after work. I'd go home next day and essentially had to use 2 days annual leave per half term - which was a lot better than 5! I felt DD from 4yo could cope with 3 days OK, although we did do a few single overnighters in the run up.

I would never have expected my parents to come to stay for a week.

hiccupgirl · 02/01/2015 07:48

My DS is the same age and there is no way I would send him off to either my parents or in-laws for 5 days but neither sets of grandparents live close to us so he's not yet stayed with them on his own overnight. I know he would find it very difficult especially at bedtimes.

But I do think YABU to expect that your in-laws will come to yours for 5 nights instead or do a 4 hour round trip daily if they don't want to. Find a holiday club for most of the week and try your DS staying overnight with them if that is an option you will need for other holidays and see how he copes with it.

Umbrelladilemma · 02/01/2015 07:53

As others have said, I think YABU to expect the PIL to come to you. Both sets of GPs have done holiday childcare for us and it's always been at their houses - I feel it is far too much if an imposition to ask them to come to your house. It's already a lot to ask for them to look after the DC for the week.

The way we have done it is for one of us to take DC first thing Monday morning (then go into work slightly late) and the other pick up at the end of the week.

Could you and DH take a day off each so it was only Tue-Thu?

Also, I would start asking around to see if you can find other local options as a backup.

WilburIsSomePig · 02/01/2015 07:59

I think you are expecting quite a lot. They said they would be happy to look after your DS, not that they would come and stay for 5 days. There needs to be a bit of give and take if you want their help rather than you dictating to them what must happen. And telling them that your parents are there as back up sounds like emotional blackmail to me.

honeysucklejasmine · 02/01/2015 08:02

I used to love my week at the grandparents in summer. Went from a very young age (about 3 I think) and never thought twice. It was exciting and I still hold very fond memories of the traditions we made.

YABU to expect them to come to you. You will need to find an alternative, but explain to your MIL that this is you not being ready and nothing to do with your judgement of her ability to look after your child.

DraggingDownDownDown · 02/01/2015 08:07

I agree with previous posters. If you want them to help then you have to fit in with what works for them.

I use a mixture of annual leave, grandparents and holiday clubs for my boy's. They stay with the grandparents for a week during the summer and love it.

If you don't like what your in laws want then it is ok to say thanks but no thanks. However don't rub their noses in it by implying that your parent's will have them instead as that will create bad feelings and surmounts to blackmail.

Original poster

olafisking · 02/01/2015 08:07

Thanks all for the thoughts, they are very useful a quite a wide range. To address some misunderstandings, FIL doesn't work and MIL works in a school so no one would be commuting. DS has stayed with them in the past but just for one night. When older I would be happy for him to stay longer, I just hadn't anticipated him staying 150 miles from us for 5 nights - I would miss him, he would miss us and I think MIL is underestimating the amount of work when doing all meals, bedtimes etc. If they can't do it we can cover with AL. Due to our jobs DH can cover May half term and I can cover half of Easter. There don't seem to be appropriate holiday clubs for young children except in summer when we will definitely be doing it.

I know we need to discuss it more but to be clear, both they and my parents offered help before we asked. We just need to work out the fine details more and if they really can't help we will work something out - no demands.

OP posts:

ProudAS · 02/01/2015 08:10

How about two nights and three days at in laws with you and DH taking a day off each?

skrumle · 02/01/2015 08:11

You were unreasonable to think ILs should stay at yours. Not unreasonable to take cold feet at him going away for 5 nights with no preparation. I'd proceed with caution though as you may really want/need their help in the summer. Suggestions about splitting the week so he stays a couple of nights seem the most sensible way forward.

MaryWestmacott · 02/01/2015 08:17

I think by commuting, people meant if your PIL didn't want to stay at yours, they would be driving back and forth or you would be driving DS back and forth to theirs.

I'd start with one night if he's never stayed before and scale up if that's how they want to do childcare and you're going to need them in the future. Also worth asking around about any childminders who might have spaces in the holidays.

turningvioletviolet · 02/01/2015 08:20

how can your MIL underestimate the amount of work involved? Surely she managed to bring up her own child(ren)?

We used to send ds (who's now 17) to stay with my DM for a week at a time when he was a baby (we were in London, DM was in the NW). It was great for them and their relationship. But then i'm a slap dash parent at the best of times. Just imagine those free evenings for you and dh.

DD2 (8) spent nearly 3 weeks away with her cousins and Aunty and Uncle in the summer. She missed us, we missed her. But she had a great time and the psycological damage to her delicate psyche appears to have been minimal.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 02/01/2015 08:27

There is also the fact some grandparents offer but when it comes to the crunch realise they don't want to do anything that limits them (my mum offered to look after my niece after school and in holidays when my sister moved back to live nearby, but quickly took it back when in practice it limited her newly early retired lifestyle of long lunches with friends and days revolving around middle of the day hair or nail apts - she had offered utterly forgetting what having sole responsibility for a 4 yo is, and then wanted to get out of it without seeming selfish...

On the other hand if the in laws look after our kids it'salways at their house... They have them for a visit (rather than child care as such) one or two nights every school holiday, and will have the youngest only (3.5) for 3 nights soon while we take the older 2 on a city break that he isn't really the right age for yet.

5 nights is a long time to be away though and will feel weird as you are home in the eves. I'd split it and take the Wed as AL (or your DH take the AL) and take DS to MIL on Sunday afternoon, pick him up Tue eve, or Wednesday morning, and ask your parents to do Thursday and Friday.

MaryWestmacott · 02/01/2015 08:28

to be fair turning, I've met a fair few grandparents who've got very rose tinted view of having small children around, also forgetting that 30+ years ago they had more energy and then complaining how tired they are looking after grandchildren in a rather surprised way! (I guess you do just remember the good bits)

Plus 4 is a tricky age to do something like this for the first time and it be a whole week. one or two nights for the first time might be best, see how he copes.

treaclesoda · 02/01/2015 08:32

Personally I wouldn't have wanted to send my five year old away for five days - not because I think there is anything wrong with it, just because I would have missed her.

But, like others, I'm afraid I do think YABU to want your inlaws to come and stay with you.

It honestly just sounds like a misunderstanding, nothing more. They offered, thinking you meant grandchild would come and stay with them. You accepted, thinking they meant they would come to you.

A wee chat should hopefully sort it out with no hard feelings.

TendonQueen · 02/01/2015 08:34

Agree with MaryW and Fish. You need to work up to longer stays for the future, and find a holiday club. As someone who doesn't have family nearby so doesn't get family help with childcare on anything other than an occasional basis, I am struck by the number of people who are determined to avoid using paid childcare at all costs, even though it costs them in other ways (which it always does). For many people this is the norm and it's absolutely fine, not something you have to go to huge lengths to avoid. You have to budget for it like everything else.

CalleighDoodle · 02/01/2015 09:18

Yabu: let your ils have them for the week. You could even stay with your ILs the sunday night yourself and collect the fri eve so thats 4 nights.

TrendStopper · 02/01/2015 09:19

I dont see the big deal of a child of any age being apart from their parents for a couple of days.

My sisters kids stayed with me for a week when they were 1 & 5 while my sister went on a well deserved holiday. Her kids settled in quickly and i just carried on as i normally would day to day.

If u dont like it OP you will just need to find an alternative childcare arrangement.

Chunderella · 02/01/2015 09:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

drudgetrudy · 02/01/2015 09:32

Does it have to be all or nothing? Could he stay with your in-laws for half the week and you or your parents cover the rest?
It would be quite easy to say to MIL that he isn't used to being away so you'll try him just for a few days this first time.
He will probably enjoy himself.
I can quite understand that your in-laws would prefer to look after him in their own home.

Apricota · 02/01/2015 10:11

We do it. The kids get to know their grandparents, which I never did. Hey know them and like them. We have done this since start of school. We also do a meet you I. The middle I.e both drive a hour and swap the kids at services. I can hear th a gasps of horror form here...but it all allows the best for the kids and us, as we work when they are away.
Do set up phone call times in advance.

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