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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be scared about leaving my baby....

47 replies

Reddottys12 · 01/01/2015 20:34

I've been invited out for dinner and a movie next month with the girls and I really want to go...but...I'm scared about leaving my DS. He'll be 6 months by then but I'm ebf and he uses boob to fall asleep. He also uses boob to get back to sleep when he wakes up - which is frequently.

I can express milk for DH but I just know that he'll have a hard time getting him back to sleep when he wakes. DS just cries and cries until he gets boob :(

What do I do? Do I prepare for this by getting DH to try and settle him now so that DS learns to settle with his dad (have tried this before and DS got so so upset) or do I just leave it and see how they get on when I'm out? The thought of DS waking up and not having mummy there saddens me. Am I over thinking this?

OP posts:
BlackDaisies · 01/01/2015 20:39

Ah, I remember how that feels. You'll probably get lots of different advice. I would see how it goes in the next month. See if he'll take a bottle. Let's face it, if he won't, you're not exactly going to enjoy the night out knowing he'll be upset. Personally I would do the movie night when he felt happier to be left, which will happen eventually.

BMO · 01/01/2015 20:40

I'd encourage your DH to take a more active role in parenting now, it doesn't sound very healthy for a child to be so upset at being with their father. Sounds like this could be a positive turning point for all of you.

ConfusedInBath · 01/01/2015 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Reddottys12 · 01/01/2015 20:45

Don't get me wrong, he loves his dad and DH is very hands on...it's my fault really that DS only wants me at bedtime. I've never really given DH a chance as I've breastfed which has made it a bit more difficult.

Thanks blackdaisies that's kind of how I've been feeling for a while. Maybe neither of us are just quite ready! :)

OP posts:
OwlinaTree · 01/01/2015 20:48

I can really recommend you look at the baby whisperer website for advice on how to get your baby to sleep on his own. I did the pick up put down method and it took 5 days to get him off feeding to sleep. He was about 4 months.

Was harder to get him off night feeds!

If you are not ready to leave your son to go out then don't. There is plenty of time.

canweseethebunnies · 01/01/2015 20:48

I understand your worry. I definitely felt like that about leaving my first baby.

Presumably you're not going to out all night though? He will sleep when you return, and if he hasn't slept much earlier in the evening, then maybe you'll get a lie in? Grin Leave them to it, I'm sure they'll be fine. Personally, I'm much more relaxed with my second and not that bothered about bedtime until she's older. She sleeps when she sleeps. Unless you think he will cry inconsolably without you there anyway? Your dh could just stay with him instead of trying to settle him down? That's what I would suggest, although I appreciate it may not suit your parenting style.

notoneforselfies · 01/01/2015 20:50

BMO don't talk shite. It's not unhealthy for a 6 month old ebf baby to need a boob to get to sleep. Insinuating it is, and that the fact has any bearing on the baby's relationship with the father is bollocks. My DS (12 months) is the same but has a wonderful relationship with his dad. I don't get out much as a result but I don't mind, it's a phase that doesn't last long so I intend to enjoy it!

notoneforselfies · 01/01/2015 20:52

OP it's not your 'fault' he only wants you at bedtime. He's tiny still, you're his mum. It's not anyone's fault, it's a very natural status quo.

BMO · 01/01/2015 20:54

Sorry notone, but for a baby to be upset at being left with their dad doesn't (IMO) sound very healthy for anyone - distressing for the baby, upsetting for the dad and making it difficult for the mum to ever go anywhere. I'd always encourage both parents to take a role in comforting and settling a baby rather than having it as one parent's exclusive role.

Loletta · 01/01/2015 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Coyoacan · 01/01/2015 20:55

My dd was about that age when I had to start teaching her to sleep without being breastfed. I still continued to breastfeed for quite a few months afterwards, just not to get her to sleep. Between the two of us we walked her around in our arms singing her to sleep, it took three days and it was well worth it. My dd however is still feeding my dgd to sleep at 17 months and the poor child still suffers terribly when her mother goes out.

BMO · 01/01/2015 20:56

Also, it is perfectly possible to EBF a baby and still have other people settle them and put them to bed!

findingherfeet · 01/01/2015 20:57

Perfectly reasonable to feel like this! Both for mum and baby, he's ONLY six months!
I'd say go out, see your friends knowing baby is being looked after by his dad who loves him and will he be fine but don't feel you have to stay out long, get hubs to update you by text and see how you feel.

Writerwannabe83 · 01/01/2015 20:57

I've been there!!!!

I didn't leave my BF baby until he was 9 months old for the exact same reasons you mention.

I left 5oz of EBM with my DH and nervously left them to it.

Don't go if you won't enjoy yourself. It's just dinner and a movie, it's hardly anything life changing that you can't miss!!!

Your baby is so little and needy for such a short amount of time so stay with him and enjoy the sleepy feeds Smile

Loletta · 01/01/2015 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Beatrixemerald · 01/01/2015 21:01

I totally understand how you feel and am in the same boat. dd is 6 months, I have been out twice for about 4-5 hrs and latest I got home was 11ish. I expressed enough for dh and basically they stayed up until I got home but dd napped in the sling on dh for an hour or so, was in good spirits when I got home.

BMO · 01/01/2015 21:04

Loletta - you can choose to have just one parent do bedtime or you can choose to have both be involved, method of feeding is irrelevant.

LiegeAndLief · 01/01/2015 21:04

This is why I didn't go out in the evening until dd was 14 months old.

She was my second child, which actually made it easier for me. With my PFB I felt obliged to force myself out, went to a Christmas party when he was 3 months old leaving him with a friend and gallons of expressed milk and was miserable (and bursting out of my dress by the end of the evening!). With dd I knew that the not going out phase would end eventually, and was happy to stay with her.

This was nothing to do with the inadequacies of dh, who is a great dad, but more the restraints of breastfeeding!

I know there are people who would think this was mad and leave the baby, which is fine. Both are fine. No harm to the baby either way. You just have to decide which you are happiest with.

Loletta · 01/01/2015 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

girliefriend · 01/01/2015 21:09

I think by the time baby is 6 months it is fine to go out and catch up with your friends but then I had my first night out when dd was 11 weeks!! I also exbf but felt it was a good idea for dd to get used not always having me to put her to bed. I was fortunate that she would happily take a bottle of expressed milk though.

Also its nice to go out and remember the world outside of motherhood for a couple of hours!!

BMO · 01/01/2015 21:10

OK Loletta, but that's what you have chosen to do - always breastfeeding to sleep. Your way works for you, fine, but to say "So long as you're bf, he'll never want anyone else at bedtime" is just rubbish.

Original poster
Reddottys12 · 01/01/2015 21:12

Thanks ladies. As always, very helpful advice! DH can do as you suggest and keep DS entertained or let him nap on him if he won't settle - something which hadn't even occurred to me. Doh! This is why I like the different perspectives.

I promised myself I wouldn't leave DS unless it was something I really wanted to do so I'll see how I feel closer to the time.

OP posts:
fixyourgardengate · 01/01/2015 21:14

I understand your worry. But if you DH is prepared to deal with it, my honest advice is just go and let them work it out for themselves.

Easier said than done, and you'll possibly have to get one of your friends to take custody of your phone Wink

My DD was ebf (and is still bf now at 16 months) and if I am around boob is all she wants, but she slept on DH on the odd occasion I wasn't around when younger (like when I was out doing the food shop - wild child me Grin)

Iggly · 01/01/2015 21:14

My two preferred me for a long time when younger. But when I was out they were and happy with dh. So I've had plenty of social life etc etc.

Original poster
Reddottys12 · 01/01/2015 21:14

Btw I love the time I spend with DS at feeds so I'm enjoying it while it lasts. One day he won't need me anymore! :)

OP posts: