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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be scared about leaving my baby....

47 replies

Reddottys12 · 01/01/2015 20:34

I've been invited out for dinner and a movie next month with the girls and I really want to go...but...I'm scared about leaving my DS. He'll be 6 months by then but I'm ebf and he uses boob to fall asleep. He also uses boob to get back to sleep when he wakes up - which is frequently.

I can express milk for DH but I just know that he'll have a hard time getting him back to sleep when he wakes. DS just cries and cries until he gets boob :(

What do I do? Do I prepare for this by getting DH to try and settle him now so that DS learns to settle with his dad (have tried this before and DS got so so upset) or do I just leave it and see how they get on when I'm out? The thought of DS waking up and not having mummy there saddens me. Am I over thinking this?

OP posts:

Scotinoz · 01/01/2015 21:18

Aww, I was in the same place when mine was that age - felt to sleep, she was hysterical when her Dad put her to bed, and I felt awful at the thought of leaving her.

In hindsight though, she and her Dad got along just fine. They're clever wee things, know if their Mum is around and drama it up

If you've got a while have a few test runs. And the reality is, if you go out and husband and baby are asleep infront of the TV when you get home it's no big deal

shellbyville · 01/01/2015 21:23

Tough one, I had the same. DH wore DS in a sling round the house whilst I was out which tended to keep him asleep, having said that I only left him of an evening maybe once or twice that first year, I didn't think it was worth the stress on all of us. Doesn't last forever :-)

Viviennemary · 01/01/2015 21:24

If you really want to go out then it's worth trying to get the baby to take expressed milk. If you're not that bothered and don't want to leave him then don't and wait a bit longer.

notoneforselfies · 01/01/2015 21:27

I do agree with all that BMO, but it's a damn sight quicker to settle an ebf baby with a boob than without when they are only 6 months (dinner and a movie is quite a long time span to be without milk at that age, if they're a bottle refusenik. They'd be fine ultimately but it'd be a bloody hard evening for the husband!)
I did take exception, though, to the insinuation that it wasn't the husband stepping up enough and it's unhealthy to only be happy to be fed to sleep by mum. 6 months is tiny still and most people haven't begun sleep training (if they do so at all) at that age, so it's to be expected that an ebf baby will want mum to go to sleep at that age, not bad or unhealthy or lazy on the husband's part.

Noodledoodledoo · 01/01/2015 21:29

I also ebf and am another one in the camp of others can settle them. DH does the bedtime routine, I will feed in the middle but bubba will also take a bottle of expressed milk instead. Settles no problem.

Baby is 13 weeks and has done this since about 6 weeks old as I am out one night a week and went back to this when she was 7 weeks old.

Is it worth you having a few practice runs between now and then to get your DS used to the change? Maybe nip to shop so you can be back quickly if necessary. As you say depends on your perspective but I made a decision that I didn't want to be a key part to the bedtime routine as I wanted to be able to go out some nights, selfish attitude maybe but has kept me sane!

CoolCat2014 · 01/01/2015 21:30

"So long as you're bf, he'll never want anyone else at bedtime"

My EBF 3 month old happily goes to sleep for her dad. Nothing to do with BF, everything to do with the temperament of the individual baby!

OP - totally understand your dilemma. I cancelled a night out cos DD wont take a bottle, and I couldn't bear the thought of her fighting over every feed. Give it a couple weeks and see if you can get your baby to settle on her dad, try everything - music, white noise etc. If it still doesn't work reassess then.

Original poster

Reddottys12 · 01/01/2015 21:35

coolcat2014 did your bubs learn to take a bottle eventually?

My DS does take a bottle - although sometimes when he's upset he doesn't realise there's milk in the bottle and won't suck! Just got to get DH to get the timing right ;)

OP posts:

notoneforselfies · 01/01/2015 21:43

Sorry when I was using ebf I meant not taking a bottle at all. (I tried!)
Yes to it being the temperament of the baby and routines too - not all babies have a feed and part of their sleep routine I know. My LO always has, annoyingly and is a terrible sleeper - only naps on me and always bf to sleep, but then I'm not one for sleep training so I'm happy to live with it. DH does most day time childcare though - meals, nappies, bath etc. (SAHD) so it's definitely not a lack of bond with him, I just need to be there when it's time to sleep.

ToastyFingers · 01/01/2015 21:45

If you're ebf baby settles to sleep for anyone else (unless he/she will take a bottle, that's different) then you're probably quite lucky.

My daughter fed to sleep for about 10 months and still prefers me (or my milk at least) at 16 months, but will settle for her dad.

Op, if you really want to go out, you should! Your little one might cry a bit but being left to cry is completely different to crying while dad cuddles him.

Also, if you don't fancy it, don't go. 6 months old is still so little, don't feel pressured into anything you don't want to do.

Original poster

Reddottys12 · 01/01/2015 21:49

notoneforselfies I'm much the same! Night times is when bubs definitely needs me, all other times DH can get DS to nap no problem. How only is your LO?

OP posts:

ToastyFingers · 01/01/2015 22:00

Sorry, meant 'your' obviously. Feckin' autocorrect.

SorchaN · 01/01/2015 22:10

When my daughter was about that age and I was ebf, I went to an opera that went on for several hours (Wagner..). My husband very kindly brought the baby to the opera house and I sat in the car and fed her during the interval. She was still awake when I got home later that evening, but she settled easily enough. But most of the time I simply took her anywhere I went - admittedly I didn't see many movies during my breastfeeding years...

notoneforselfies · 01/01/2015 22:18

He's 12 months now. Terrible sleeper, always had a high frequency of feeds. He suffered from severe reflux though and needed small frequent feeds because of that. His reflux is better now but he's in a pattern that's hard to change. I survive by co-sleeping, and I'm yet to have an evening out, but I'm not the sort to be too fussed by that. He basically read the book on attachment parenting and decided that sounded right up his alley

Never went out too much of an evening anyway, and I know I'll get them back one day

It's easier to leave him for longer periods during the day when he can play with DH and has proper meals and his sippy cup etc, but after bedtime only I will do!

I plan on following Dr Jay Gordon's night weaning plan soon, but that's only recommended for 12 months plus (I'm a fan of very gentle techniques!)

If your LO takes a bottle now do keep it up! It's a very useful tool to have. DS used to, when he was 0-3 months, I stopped for a month when we got bf sorted (tt snipped) but then he never went back on one.

cantbelieveimonhere · 01/01/2015 22:31

It's not an easy one, most likely a head vs heart scenario. I'd suggest it's one to weigh up the pros and cons, and decide whether to focus on the small or big picture.

Small - stay in, you miss out on evening out, but you, hubby and baby relaxed at home. The pattern remains unchanged.

Big - go out, baby wakes and most likely baby cries and hubby has to cope with baby crying. Baby might even cry until you get home. Baby learns you come home (giving you freedom to go out again) and pattern is broken.

You might find break does you good.

talk to hubby and jointly decide what to do, as you will both be involved in scenario. You might find hubby wants you to enjoy evening out and is willing to facilitate it by looking after baby, even if they cry.

HaveTeaWillSurvive · 01/01/2015 22:37

A lot can happen in a month, around that age DS just started self-settling - just happened overnight - so you never know. I wouldn't stress too much about preparing him just see how you feel at the time.

Why don't you commit to going to dinner - bit of you time / girl chat - then call your DH and see if all is well before you decide about cinema?

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 01/01/2015 22:56

Could you just do the dinner part of the evening? Dinner and a film is quite a long time and you may fret about being out of contact when in the cinema. If the point is to see your friends (which I totally get) then the dinner is the most important bit anyway, no?

Original poster

Reddottys12 · 01/01/2015 23:08

Yeah cinema and dinner is probably a lot. I just don't think my friends without kids really get it when organising stuff (in the nicest way possible of course) and I hate to be a moaning Minnie all the time!

I think I'm going to see how I feel closer to the time and as havetea has said....see if anything changes before then.

notoneforselfies we used to co-sleep when DS was younger but he suddenly just started being so fidgety that when I do it now, neither of us sleep well. Also lying on my side with boob available all night is uncomfortable - how do you manage?

OP posts:

Littlef00t · 01/01/2015 23:10

For me, the question is whether the feeding to sleep and only being comforted by you is something you want to work on.

You have a few weeks to see if you can reduce dependency you so you can go out in the future.

You might not be ready for this particular evening out, but you might want to aim for it and see how it goes.

Lucylouby · 01/01/2015 23:13

My DH has always been able to settle our babies. If I was there they would be fed to sleep, but if on the odd occasion I was out, he would do the bedtime routine a bit differently so it seemed different for baby and they wouldn't expect a feed. I think he used to bring them back downstairs after bath and have stories etc downstairs, try them with a bottle of bm (which they may or may not take) then he would cuddle them to sleep on the sofa. If I was there, it would be bath and feed upstairs in our room.

I agree with the pp who said could you only go for the meal? That could be a good compromise for you, your friends and your baby. You would always be contactable, be gone for a shorter time and baby might not even notice you have gone.

I don't think you can accurately predict what will happen until you have left baby with DH at least a couple of times. But if you are not happy leaving baby, don't. The dependant baby stage lasts such a short time, so if you don't want to go, don't. There will be other films and other meals out. But if you want to go out with your friends for a couple of hours, your baby will be in safe hands with your DH who will love and care for your baby like you do.

Plateofcrumbs · 01/01/2015 23:32

I've just been reading the Baby Whisperer and beating myself up for rocking and feeding 5mo DS to sleep, so good to read so many people encouraging it! That said I have reached the end of my tether with rocking/bouncing and feeding to sleep has more or less stopped working for us, so I have just started some gentle sleep training to try to teach self-settling. On that basis I'd say Yabu, but only because I'm trying to justify sleep training a 5mo to myself!

cottageinthecountry · 01/01/2015 23:39

Great! You've got a month to get DS used to being comforted by DH. Work on it slowly but go out so you're not interfering (hard not to) and see how he does. It will all be FINE - he's a baby, not a wild animal, he will want Mummy, but Daddy will also do.

AnneofCheese · 01/01/2015 23:58

Just wait and see how you feel, but don't go if you don't want to. Absolutely nothing wrong with a baby that young being 'dependent' on you to go to sleep. They are still really tiny! This stage is really short so do what you're comfortable with. I always saw it like - I've been going to the pub since I was 15; if I don't go to the pub/theatre/etc for a year a while, I really will be ok :) (I was when I had DS)

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