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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and his stupid boats.

39 replies

Squirrelsmum · 01/01/2015 02:54

AIBU?
DH has always had a thing for boats, he didn't have any when we met but speaking with long time friends it is probably the only period in his life when he didn't have one. Now he has 4!
I don't care that he has them, but he wants me to join in his happy sailing shit. I don't like boats, they tip over and people drown, I've been out once with him and when I wasn't helping pull ropes and jump from one side to the other I was curled up with my eyes closed freaking out, but he is convinced that I would be his ideal sailing partner no matter how many times I have told him I don't want to. He's gone off with the shits today because I would rather sleep than spend the day sailing. We spend plenty of time together so it's not like I never see him. He works hard and wants to spend his down time trying to combine me and his recreational activities. He thinks I just need to get used it so can spend a holiday sometime in 2015 sailing the tropics, my idea of hell. It has gotten to the stage where I'm having anxiety twinges every time he mentions the bloody things.
Apart from me not wanting anything to do with them, I have a chronic health condition and debilitating fatigue is one of the things I live with everyday. My one and only trip left me with bruising up and down my legs and I was bedridden for two days afterwards feeling like I'd been hit by a bus. Not my idea of a good time.
So AIBU not wanting to go sailing with him and to tell him to find some other fool to go holidaying with? Or am I just talking myself into it like he thinks?

OP posts:
Minerves · 01/01/2015 03:17

yanbu but try it more than once first?

SorchaN · 01/01/2015 04:15

I love boats, and one of my previous partners took me sailing a few times. It can be very hard work though, and if you have a health condition I can see that you might not find it fun. It's curious that you happened to meet him when he was less boat-mad, and that his boating has taken off again since then. Some people are frankly obsessed with boats, and if your partner is one of these people it's going to be very difficult to find a way through. Perhaps he needs to find other friends to go boating with, and restrict his boating time so that he still has some free time to spend with you on dry land. If he can't commit to that, what kind of relationship can you have, realistically? But also... most of the time boats are perfectly safe and nobody drowns. I've been sailing in some very stormy weather and it was a bit uncomfortable, but there was never any danger. As long as everyone has a healthy respect for the sea, and a full understanding of human limitations, things are very unlikely to go wrong.

HaloItsMeFell · 01/01/2015 04:48

YANBU.

Sailing is one of those things like skiing isn't it? People get weirdly addicted and obsessed by it. I don't understand the attraction of skiing either.

MistressDeeCee · 01/01/2015 05:17

YANBU. You are not a clone of your DH you don't have to love the same hobbies nor have the exact same interests as he does.

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 01/01/2015 05:22

YANBU.
What about pirates and sharks? Shock

BathshebaDarkstone · 01/01/2015 05:22

YANBU. If you don't enjoy it, don't do it. A good philosophy for life in general, where it's possible. Xmas Smile

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 01/01/2015 06:13

Yanbu.

If you don't find it enjoyable and it makes your symptom worse, then there is no point doing this activity

MythicalKings · 01/01/2015 07:28

YANBU

Sailing is 5% on the water and 95% farting around with ropes.

FruChristerOla · 01/01/2015 07:37

YANBU

I agree with Halo, sailing is one of those activities that people either love or hate. I have some friends who used to have a yacht, the DH would go sailing at every opportunity in whatever weather - his DW only went a couple of times in the Summer. They sold it in the end Smile

StickLady · 01/01/2015 07:57

Would he give up the same amount of time he's asking from you to devote to one of your hobbies that he dislikes?

DustInTheWind · 01/01/2015 08:06

I love sailing, but I've found that one of the keys lo a long and happy marriage (and there are many in my family which also hase a number of obsessives) is that if one partner has a true passion for a particular activity or hobby, then the other only joins in as and when they want to.
Be positive about him sailing rather than angry and dismissive, just make him accept that you are not part of that activity, don't want to be and will not be joining.
It's hard work at first, because they can't believe that you don't love it, or think that all you need is time. But be consistent and point out that as an adult, you get to have a voice and make decisions.

Chottie · 01/01/2015 08:08

OP - I'm with you too, so boring and cold and wet. Sitting around in a boat with an awful toilet, dodging the boom, constantly damp, hair and make up mussed up.....

whothehellknows · 01/01/2015 08:34

YANBU. ExH sailed and I could never get into it. If I need fresh air, I'd much rather go on a nice walk somewhere and not be hopping around a boat.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 01/01/2015 08:53

Yanbu

Bloody boats- pah, what a faff!

LindyHemming · 01/01/2015 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Squirrelsmum · 01/01/2015 09:26

Thanks,
Dust yes you're right I do need to be supportive of his sailing. For the last couple of years he has raced Lasers and I've gone all over the country with him, sitting on the river bank regardless of the weather while he is out on the water, so I have tried. And no I don't think he wants to believe I'm not interested in them, it's like my dislike is a personal attack on him.
We are very much chalk and cheese in a lot of ways, but we make it work for the most part, he is a hyperactive adrenaline junkie and is a risk taker whereas leaving the house without a coat is about is risqué as I get. Maybe part of it is that he is always pushing things to their limits and I'm very nervous at the best of times and I do worry about him taking unnecessary risks.
StickLady funny you mention that, no I very much doubt he would, and I will be bringing that up during our next discussion, I might ask him to come to yoga with me.

OP posts:
kim147 · 01/01/2015 09:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheChandler · 01/01/2015 09:35

I do a sporting hobby and I couldn't be with a partner who didn't share my interest in it. Its too disheartening to do your interest on your own all the time and to have a partner who resents it. A previous partner was like that and I used to see most of the other wives and girlfriends supported by their men and I questioned why I was with him when he was so unsupportive and disinterested in stuff I liked, and ended it.

My hobby was also full of people who had done similar or men who would try and get attention from usually younger women who did the sport but who claimed to have wives who weren't interested. It was actually a bit of a cliché.

But maybe your DH deliberately picked a non-interested partner because it suits him? He actually wants to do sailing on his own. Or as less of a risk-taker, you provide him with security?

FWIW if I didn't do any other hobbies, I would be interested in learning about sailing, it sounds to me to be quite a nice way to spend your time. You seem to paint it in a very negative light, and I'm sure it can't be that bad, as its a really popular thing to do. Do you feel like this about all hobbies? Whats the alternative? Surely not enforced yoga - sitting around the house all day? Going round garden centres?

AliceInSandwichLand · 01/01/2015 09:45

My DH sails, and I am not that interested. We have made it work for a long time by him accepting that I am not interested and finding other people to race with and do most of the boring post-sailing socialising with, but with me making the effort to go for a weekend once or twice a year and accepting that it's something that's very important to him. If I had tried to stop him sailing it would have put a much bigger strain on our marriage than finding a compromise has done, but equally he had to accept that if he had wanted a full time sailing partner he shouldn't have married me. As with all these things, I think the key here is a willingness to make it work on both sides. If you don't have that, then sailing is not the real problem here.

kim147 · 01/01/2015 09:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hiccupgirl · 01/01/2015 09:50

YANBU

It sounds like you've given it a go before and it's not for you which is fine - you're not the same person and can have different interests. The problem is getting your DH to understand that you're happy to support him but you don't want to go sailing very much. Could you cope with going now and again to keep him happy but he does it on his own most of the time.

I have a similar situation in that DH has a very obsessive hobby that to be fair prekids I was more interested in. But since having DS it's been very difficult to do for me because I end up looking after DS while DH swans off all day and I'm not really bothered by it anymore. I do go along with him some of the time and look interested when he's excited about new hobby things but I'm encouraging him to do more on his own too.

Original poster
Squirrelsmum · 01/01/2015 09:59

Kim, the two latest ones are 18 and 22 foot, so not far off. I'm happy for him to spend his spare time tinkering with them, like I said he works hard and I'm happy for him to have his down time, our kids are older (late teens) now so the parenting pressure is a lot less than when they were younger.
I've tried to participate in a few of his hobbies over the years, I got my motorbike licence so we could go riding together, I was training in two different styles of martial arts because he needed a training partner, I travelled all over to state and national titles for motorcross because he wanted me to, so I have tried, but since becoming sick I don't have the energy to do all that I want to do as well as participate in what he wants me to do. Something has to be missed out, should I be giving up what I want to do in order to participate in his hobbies so he doesn't feel like I'm not interested? How do I make a compromise between supporting me and supporting him?
No I'm not expecting him to do yoga with me, he'd be like a bull in china shop.

OP posts:
bigbluestars · 01/01/2015 10:02

Stealth boast.

"My OH has too many boats"

Poor you.

TheChandler · 01/01/2015 10:05

I've tried to participate in a few of his hobbies over the years, I got my motorbike licence so we could go riding together, I was training in two different styles of martial arts because he needed a training partner, I travelled all over to state and national titles for motorcross because he wanted me to

That's quite a lot of different hobbies! Maybe you're fed up of all the different hobbies, rather than the actual sailing IYFWIM.

I have more respect for the obsessive doing of hobbies that are serious and not just a passing whim. ie if someone is actually good at something, genuinely loves it and has done it all their life, then I would give them far more leeway than if it is just yet another passing obsession fad. The point being that some people who compete in their hobby could arguably make a living from it or devote a serious amount of effort to it which kind of commands respect. You don't see that in people who switch from one hobby to another, unless it is say an athlete coming to the end of their career.

greenfolder · 01/01/2015 10:12

yanbu- my dh has a different obsession and has done for the 27 years i have known him. I show enough interest not to be rude and do my own thing. i can see in retirement we will probably relocate to an area where he can indulge his interest more but at least he has interests!

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